so everyone ended up making out with each other saturday nite on account of my drunklor split personality and then samir was all why won’t anyone make out with me!? and he couldn’t handle me and sharpie being trashy bulldykes at the horseshoe, but it’s not my fault, she said that i talk too much and then mouth-raped me after i shoved her up against the wall and slobbered all over her. and then after i told her and fil to kiss i immediately regretted it cos i got all jealous and on the way back in the taxi i was all DID YOU ENJOY IT TELL ME THE TRUTH!???
and everyone gave me the silent treatment and the next morning fil woke up still drunk and talked really loud and wouldn’t shut up meanwhile steve was going to jump off the balcony to go get some food cos he didn’t want to leave the door unlocked.
so i won everybody I WON and now as your fearless leader and president of the girls with long hair club i will um i will uh, carry on like before, except skinnier yes that’s right i vow to be skinnier and funnier and hotter and 50% more shallow and offensive and catty oh when it is time appropriate of course.
for example last nite during dinner at fil’s mom’s i made a period joke when fil was having roast seconds and it was mentioned that he likes his meat bloody and i piped up OH I GUESS I SHOULD MAKE A PERIOD JOKE and that was the joke. another time during sunday dinner fil was going through my purse for something and being all ginger about it and someone made a guys-going-through-girl’s-purses line and i said WELL IT’S NOT LIKE THERE IS A FETUS IN THERE OR ANYTHING.
in case you forgot or are new, this blog is about THINGS THAT I SAID IN REAL LIFE BEFORE TODAY and it is awesome.
this blog is also about IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS OF THE BOOGIEMAN as well as MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS and OLDSCHOOL TELEVISION SHOWS AIRED SOLELY ON THE CHRISTIAN NETWORK.
it’s funny, fil and i couldn’t be further from christianity but we like to get geared up for friday drunkenings by watching some good ole wholesome shit it’s comforting and this is where some psycho-babbler says THAT IS YOUR INNER DEMONS CALLING OUT.
fil was on his first glass of fancy wine friday nite and the simpsons were on and in the episode they were also drinking fancy wine and i called out to fil from the bedroom DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU ARE DRINKING RED WINE AND THE SIMPSONS ARE TOO IS IT LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A LITTLE PARTY RIGHT NOW?
did you see that two-headed girl thing on tlc yesterday?
i had a bunch to say about it today but i forgot everything oh well one thing fil told me to SHUT UP when i was talking over the tv cos he was obsessed with the piece on them. um not to be a sicko but when they masturbate who gets the orgasm? i doubt they both experience one i don’t think an orgasm that powerful even exists. the right head seemed to be more dominant of the two and anyway ya wow. if i was in the car with them when they were driving i would probably be so scared and anxious i would jump out the window and roll into the gutter and get my skin all road rashed.
i think that i am going to start a club for girls with long hair and the stipulations are if you want to join
1. you must be a girl with long hair
or
2. you must be a girl planning to grow your hair long
3. NO BOYS ALLOWED but they are allowed to offer opinions though they will not be official members
these are the things we will talk about/do in my club:
-long hair -brushing -what long hair looks like with little stickers and barettes and tiny miniature trinkets in it -hats -celebrities with long hair -how cheesy guys look with long hair (most) -hair balms and pomade -shampoo&conditioner brands -blow drying -contempt for short hair -ms paint long hair drawings -discuss my sexual discrimination case of not allowing male club members
and more!
the club will be called GWLH and it will likely disband after 4 hours bye.
after the third spill i had to cut fil off from drinking wine last nite from a grown-up wine glass and demoted him to a tumbler he sploshed it everywhere i think drinking after two days of sobriety puts him/us over the edge we didn’t even drink that much.
we watched a few episodes of huff season 2 we have a cd of every episode so psyched about that except we can only watch it on fil’s computer so i won’t be able to cheat ahead of him and the thing skips majorly.
oh i discovered okra/potato rotis lise, they’re awesome.
I can’t remember where it was published but I used to forward the link to all my gf’s. They loved it as much as I did and I’m glad to have found you here.
I plan to get Marketable Depresssion, I know what you mean about how it’s been used to target people in advertising etc etc etc.
I have bouts with the big D myself, it was trendy for a while now its a pain in the ass.. Anyway your words have brought me great amusement…
Thanks for that.
Cheers,
Jeff
PS- What about a compilation, you published anything like that?
dear raymi, gratuitous applause congratulations on the INTERNATIONAL blog award dealy-bomb. it’s well deserved. because you don’t suck. damn good stuff, i say. me and mine love your blog with the heat of a thousand burning celebrities at sassafraz. -ben sandwich.
I SHOULD BE FIRST PLACE FOR BEST DIARIST BECAUSE I AM THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON ON THE INTERNET AND HAVE BEEN FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND I AM VERY VERY EXTREMELY REALLY REALLY GOOD LOOKING AND I DESERVE AN AWARD FOR SITTING ON MY FUCKING ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY AND WRITING ABOUT MY EXOTIC LIFE AND EVEN VISITTING YOUR BLOGS AND ARGUING WITH YOUR READERS AND EVEN WHEN I WENT CRAZY FROM POST TRAUMATIC STRESS IN 2003 AND SLOWED MY BLOGGING DOWN QUITE A BIT I OVERCAME IT AND MADE A FIERCE COMEBACK AND PUBLISHED TWO BOOKS AND SOON WILL HAVE A THIRD OUT.
I AM THE #1 BEST CANADIAN BLOG, #1 BEST CANADIAN HUMOUR BLOG, AND #1 BEST PERSONAL CANADIAN BLOG.
NO NOT NUMBER 3 NOT NUMBER ELEVEN, BUT, NUMBER FUCKING 1.
and i would just like to congratulate myself in advance for fuckin’ rocking best INTERNATIONAL diarist i wasn’t sure it would/could happen but it seems to be so at this point HAHAHA.
TO WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS AND MAY THE NEVER MEET CHEERS SUCKAS!
ps vote for me more again etc up til midnite thank you.
