I had this really vivid dream last night that I came to visit Canada and I went to your house and Phil and one of your chick friends were there and I kept waiting for you to show up and finally I was like- Where is Raymi? And Phil told me you were dead. You died in a plane crash. I was all shouting and upset and Phil and your friend were totally calm which was just upsetting me more. They were like- she’s dead, there’s nothing we can do. They just kept walking around doing their normal thing. They were saying you would’ve wanted it that way. I was really so unexplainably upset though. I don’t even know you.
does anyone know if clay aiken is in toronto right now cos if so i totally saw him at rolu last nite, i kept staring at him in the mirror and he kept looking back like SHE KNOWS I AM CLAY AIKEN or WHY IS THIS GIRL LOOKING AT ME A HUNDRED TIMES I AM CLEARLY ON A GAY-DATE LEAVE ME ALONE. i was going to ask to take his photo but what if it wasn’t him hi can i take your picture why? cos of who you are dude! who am i? you’re clay aiken. no i’m not not. ok sorry. now i am depressed for that guy looking like clay aiken more than that guy maybe BEING clay aiken.
on my way home i saw a girl jay-walk in front of two cop cars and then lipped them off then they got out and yelled at her for a half hour made her cry meanwhile these big groups of people are jay-walking across the street stupid girl how can you not notice police cars?
i brought fil back some tuna sandwiches and a three muskateers bar and this totally disgusting veggie wrap that was like 80% shredded carrot. at g’s grocery last week i spotted a bunch of mouldy cheese and yesterday i picked up the only lemon and my finger went right through it so i bought a plastic lemon filled with citric acid instead ew.
we rented school for scoundrels it is 60% good 40% not so good but funny all the same, billy bob is a really good scumbag as usual and the special features are worth it (not the gag reel though) cos john heder does napoleon and billy bob does slingblade ALSO i like sarah silverman now i always thought she was annoying like always being ON and her jokes weren’t that funny but they actually are, some are easy-lame not funnies to me but to fil cos my sense of humour is far superior and he can laugh at the word pooh. she is still always ON though that’s kind of annoying.
before we watched SFS bridget jones’s diary was on and we had to be fat girls on the couch and watch the majority of it while fil ate my chocolate bar he asked why i bought it cos i don’t really dig sweet stuff anymore and i said cos i am fucking with his mind i also like blowing money on stupid shit i almost got him one of those ridiculous popsicles that are a thousand different colours filled with sugar syrup fluff whatever.
i am getting my camera battery today and seeing my dad’s new house.
lisa: can i get wasted now please? i didn’t drink a drop last night which is just not right
me: woah i drank a lot we are major hungs
lisa: are you going to hit er again?
me: maybes we are too fuckied to go out we will go to lcbo and rent movies i am thinking maybe beer nite but the thought of booze is like ew i am like still buzzed right now it feels
lisa: pauly and i will probably go out and drink alone like always
me: i walked to fresh and in my head i was like i am on a magical fucking journey like my balance was off and i was smiling at nothing to myself like a goon like a crazy
lisa: totally still wasted i love that but oh man at some point are you ever going to be fucked
me: then i went in there and wanted to murder everyone
lisa: the key is to start drinking again before that happens
me: before what being cuckoo?
lisa: well before the cuckoo turns into just plain fucking death hangover but if the rage set in you are probably already too late that’s why weed is great when you’re hungover – keeps you crazy all day
me: oh man the paranoia i cant really toke anymore i have to be major wasted i get supes paranoid like oasma bin laden knows where i am paranoid haha
lisa: i went through a period where i was like that but now i’m pretty much a pro at it again the first 8 times i worked at the store i was so baked and i sold so much shit i was in love with everyone and now i’m sobes i want everyone dead
me: you’re like excuuuuuuse me lets talk about how fabulous this shirt is right now i dont know you but i feel like i know you like really know you
lisa: yes! i basically played house with them i was like I’M GONNA TRY THAT ON TOO! and we would PARTY
me: oh man
lisa: now they are all dead to me
me: do you ever sell stuff or do you fuck it all up
lisa: naw i sell stuff but i can never …. ah customer
lisa: and another thing people fucking toss things on the floor and don’t even pretend they didn’t notice
me: i know
lisa: and then stand in the way so i can’t pick it up fucking fuckers
me: FIL IS SECRETLY EATING ALL OF MY CADBURY MINI EGGS
lisa: oh my god! i don’t think we have those here!
me: they are loud and crunchy i dont know how i didnt notice
lisa: oh no i must go to the store post-haste! but i can’t be bothered so forget it
me: u want some too?
lisa: well duh but i think they have the regular cadbury eggs here but do they? i’m not into those though
me: who knows america is so fucked there are prolly marshmallows in them
lisa: strawberry marshmallows
me: excuse me our kids could be fatter
lisa: i swear to god i once saw diet cherry vanilla dr pepper how about you just pile every flavour on earth on top of eachother you fucking pigs
me: totally thats like my what are you a rainbow burn when someone is wearing a lot of colours
me: hello stop not talking to me i am majorly hung so is fil he is on the couch dying i wanted to go for a drive today haha go for a drive i am an aunt
i just ordered this shirt i have been waiting for my cafecash to clear for fucking ever. i plan to wear it on the hour you hear that george? i got it from this cafe merchant they have oodles of good shit over there.
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an example of saturday afternoon conversation with my boyfriend
raymi: oh man i hope i don’t shit my pants
fil: well if you have to go, go now, cos i am getting in the shower
this chick is psycho, has been leaving cuckoo comments here for a long time now. she said i look fat from far away meanwhile take a gander at her. i have not done anything to warrant this shit from her, she probably comments on all of your blogs too. the awesome continues:
I don’t usually stoop to retarded behavior, but I’m going to now… I’m prettier then you, and your a BIG blah face!
And your Creepy.
melissa
seriously what is wrong with you? do you not have friends? and by the way look in the mirror you are ugs dude you are fatter than me and i can see what is going on behind your head, your eyes are so wide apart way to delete my comment too fugly little coward how does it feel
Your the Mutant not me… Your eyes look like there right next to your ears, and unlike some people I actually step out my front door, and only looser men like looking at your Fat ass.
learn how to spell you ugly little girl
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what is wrong with american girls?
*cuckoo update:
HAHAHA…
I’m beginning to enjoy this. LOSER
of course you would because you are pathetic and obsessed with me how long have you been stalking me?
pitt came into town last nite many stupid things happened, one thing we were at embassy and outside and this group of people go by and they’re shoving each other in the slush and i jokingly say snowball fight and they laugh and then chuck a huge boulder of snow at us so fil and pitt go to throw snow at them they both miss then i try and do it with a cigarette and a bottle of corona in my hand i trip over nothing then fall backwards into the wall/corner of the patio into my spine and then fall hard on my ass, my left cheek, and it is killing right now i need one of those hemorrhoid donuts i am a reject. fil asked why i fell he thought i slipped on ice. i didn’t. i think someone put alcohol in all three thousand of my drinks last nite.
i was talking to the embassy guy about having my art hung there and he said email me i’m like cool then a half hour later i am fighting with him on behalf of genius pitt who decides to buy everyone at the bar a drink and got fucked over as in overpaid but not everyone got a drink. i wonder if that guy will remember me BEFORE i turned into slurLOR. oh and i was talking really loud about djs in front of the djs kind of dissing them to make pitt feel better cos they wouldn’t play his song, turns out he didn’t even request a song so i’m like sorry i was talking loud about you and the girl is like i didn’t even hear you and i go oh well my friend is a fucking retard or something basically blaming everything i don’t know what on pitt and then he requested a bunch of irish music buys them drinks that they get free anyway then dances sings and screams until the bar is closed and everyone is annoyed at us and he tried to dance around the girl bartender and she was not cool with it i said sorry when we left in a I AM NOT SORRY kind of way and she goes YEAH! and made a bitchy face. she at least ponied up an extra beer when the owner was too tired of my talking and went outside to smoke.
i got a free bushmill’s at the loose moose cos i said i wanted to fucking kill myself cos overtime went into shootout must file that away for later.
the spin jockey at the LM asked what my name was i said raymi he goes oh uh how do you spell that it’s interesting i say r-a-y-m-i he goes oh what is that? i say uh indian, you know, native. he goes as opposed to east like he is a fucking comedian. raymi is actually south american but i didn’t want to start speaking spanish incan or aztec whatever so much for dazzling the common folk with my going out on the town name.
last nite i tried to be all stealth whilst walking along the brick/cobblestone tier around the perimeter of the varsity theatre, i am wondering if i can sue them for having doors that open internally only, doors that go nowhere from the outside, doors that make you think oh ok this is the entrance. anyway at the point where i got to the archway overtop some concrete stairs going below to wherever the fuck fil encouraged me to go on and i said no i’m scared, he on sidewalk-foot continues on so i decide to end my scaling of the mountaineous varsity and make my way down to street level – ALACK! my foot slips on snow on the three foot last descent to the ground and my legs tangle up inside each other and i do a three sixty and come THIS CLOSE to falling down twenty conrete stairs on my face – i caught myself at the last second and my left shin is jammed between a railing and drags across the bricks and i yelp out, “YELP.” and fil is already many moons away and turns in slow motion to see his pathetic partner in the lamest pile of herself ever.
he had to half-support me into the varsity and not laugh. i wanted to laugh but i was in too much pain.
now i have the biggest fucking goose-egg puffy bruise on my shin.
oh and then we watched the pink panther and i laughed louder and harder than everyone else and fil was embarrassed.
brendan called jakalope last nite so i could apologize for the post i had written about her music video sucking and i think i also said that she talk-singed her stupid goth poetry, pretty funny i think and brendan agreed. she sounds like a 4 year old on the fone. i told her i was all about making fun of shit and she said well maybe you shouldn’t i dunno i said no no for entertainment purposes i wanted her to know that i wasn’t dissing her as an artist i was dissing the shitty music video which as it turns out brendan filmed or worked on i dunno. anyway i said to her i would make a public retraction on my blog about my post. i still think that video is gay but it’s not marketed to me so i understand, she’s cute she sings at things in jars and on the stairs, i’m sorry katie/jakalope.
stupid brendan showing my post to the actual artist i am making fun of NICE GOING BLOWHARD! i can’t remember if i asked her if she reads my blog, ha ha.
now i feel like a mean tabloid. wait what? good!
yeah she pretty much hates all things raymi, she wants to start an i hate raymi site. do it!
i’m sorry but people who think poetry slams are cool are fucking lame nerd losers. everytime i have been at victory cafe there is always nerdy shit going on upstairs, last nite it was poetry. this black lady was screaming that she has tiny hips and big lips and she is black power when i went to the bathroom. people were actually nodding their heads to this shit like they understand what it means to be a black woman in toronto, it was all very the real world 90’s style. last time it was a bunch of university kids playing tubas and violins and cellos – GAY!
i can’t decide which is worse, poetry readings, book readings or spoken word.
i was gonna go up there and read the menu in this pretentious long drawn out voice.
“STEAK…PEPPERCORN, SAUCE? GREEN BEANS, TABASCO, BUTTERED……MASHED POTATOES?”
