we are going to hit up this GTAbloggers party tonite after we make jumbalaya if you are a cool nerd and want to hang then show up. i have been meaning to go to one of these social gatherings since i was 19 for fuck sake.
Jamie: oh yeah also that guy who “reviewed” your blog how come anytime anyone “stumbles” onto your blog, (they never know how they got there) They always try so hard to sound non-chalant about it. “I guess she’s some kind of this or that…” they’re never committed or say, “this blog is great, and here’s why.” It’s always, “For some strange reason I can’t turn away.”
me: what guy reviewed it are you talking about
Jamie: it drives me nuts. You linked some guy who liked your paintings. He didn’t exactly review it, but you know what i mean. He sounds so defensive about liking your blog, without ever really committing to liking it. Sorry, i just went off on a tangent, but it was bothering me
me: oh yeah he botherd me too cos he said he didnt really get into it but then said all this super specific shit about older tit posts
Jamie: exactly
me: meanwhile there were zero tit shots up on the main page area he had to actually go looking for them
Jamie: People always mention you “being naked a lot”
me: totally pompous liar
Jamie: you aren’t really naked that much
me: i know its prolly cos i am so fucking amazing looking it is very memorable when i am naked like WOW *mind blown
Jamie: probably
Jamie: People do that with me, with the pics i post of deborah. When it comes up, they make it sound like I post wide open beaver shots every other day
i guess, but you look good in ALL the pictures. EVEN the ones with clothes on
me: right people just need more reasons to complain about me zzzz people often have all these opinions about me and then get really upset when it turns out that I have opinions about them like somehow they were suppose to be invisible and perfect
last nite i got poor sleep one because i was excited about my camera and two because of the cracking ice all over the balcony last nite it was like -18 something terrible like that and every two minutes this loud bang sound would happen it sounded like a murderer trying to come in and take my camera. fil went out in his underwear to secure the chairs out there we thought it was the chairs duh but then finally at five in the morning i asked uncle phil what the FUCK!? and he said it was the ice cracking and the cement shrinking but i think the ice got between the wood on top of the cement and it was the wood planks making that noise it was very scary it seriously sounded like someone was trying to get in even cid was scared.
and yesterday i was in the bath reading a scary book what lise leant me called the road and the buzzer rang and i sat very still until the person outside went away why do you need to buzz me to give me the condo newsletter stick it in the door as usual i didn’t hear them buzz any other units what the fuck anyway i am scared from this book still and thinking the book is after me then a half hour later my phone rang (it was fil) during a very scary part and i almost had a heart attack i am a wuss.
i really like the book but i can’t read it when it is dark and fil is asleep cos then i hear noises and the room settling which means i am going to die.
one time i was home alone in my room as a teenager reading an r.l. stine book in my bed it was so scary i couldn’t stop reading it though and i don’t think i even blinked when i finished it i just sat there in bed with the lamp on staring at the door and the hallway through it and stress-ate a bowl of regular humpty dumpty’s and waited for death to take me but then i ran out of chips and had to go downstairs in the dark to get more because eating chips can save your life. i hate that feeling when you turn off the light and are going up the stairs it is like someone is there behind you about to grab your ankle or your neck. i always turn off the light and am like feh this is fine i am fine but once that light is off i turn into a chicken and launch myself up the stairs three at a time.
after watching single white female with my brother and mom my brother was behind downstairs getting a snack before bed and he took this antique wooden ruler to defend himself ahhahaha. my brother is two years older than i am lets figure out how old he was when this happened, we likely rented it right when it came out on VHS he was born in 1981. oh i checked he was about twelve.
Jamie: your hair looks really nice i saw an old pic you posted and thought it was new — i thought you dyed your hair light again
me: no way
Jamie: i’m glad i like it the way it is right now
me: i am never going light again my hair is going to be down to my ass
Jamie: really? is that the plan?
me: yes and i am going to be a skeleton and i am going to twirl around in a white cotton pixie dress in a forest near a shire and my hands are going to be above my head and i will have flowers in my hair just saying dont copy me
merkley???: very funny its not my fault your rss doesnt work
me: what does that have to do with instant messaging
merkley???: they are connected
me: i barely look at your blog even though i wrote a report that i do and i still try and keep our relationship going http://raymitheminx.blogspot.com/atom.xml hmm it is a little fucked i will go find a nerd to fix it
merkley???: ha i do my part i texted you the other day and you didnt text back
me: cos i was punishing you
merkley???: ah
me: oh i just got badly electrocuted by my missing s key so there
merkley???: yeah but the thing is that i never ignore you on purpose if you IM and i dont back its because i’m not here
me: there have been times i have drunk texted you extremely important jokes and you don’t write back
merkley???: whereas you sign on and sign off like a spaz thats not true i always text back
me: i sign off cos i get overwhelmed and i have a routine and blocking people is too mean so signing off is what i do then i come back on like a whole new day
merkley???: ha ha does everybody try to talk to you at once?
me: also i sit talking with you until i feel like we are finished yes sometimes
me: when i sign off without saying bye the bye is implied by me signing off
me: when there is a long period of us not talking on IM i take that as the conversation is closed there is no point to be like SEE YOU a half hour later what are we cousins? i will try harder in the future to not be a gchat prick
merkley???: i’m not attacking your abrupt IM departures i’m defending my honor
me: i am defending my lack of rss
merkley???: i wish you would fix it
me: yes but that doesnt mean u cant talk to me on gchat
merkley???: i never actually GO to blogs anymore just rss
me: theres people on my list who have blogs i never look at and it doesnt stop me from calling them fags on IM
merkley???: and i am constantly busy being famous
me: famous growing pubes out of your face
merkley???: tons
me: why dont we have a variety show where we discuss rss feeds for a whole hour?
merkley???: you are NOT the father thats all i say to people anymore if they suck i say they aren’t the father
me: i have been saying oh man a lot i dont know when i started i am in grade 4
merkley???: and if they are cool i say: you ARE the father try it at the bar tonight you have to be really drunk
me: we dont talk to strangers at the bar
merkley???: duh friends
me: well only fridays and saturdays we only have two friends we have more but barely see them
merkley???: all my friends moved away
me: i am too busy spying on people’s conversations for my blog
merkley???: i drove them off
me: how did you manage that
merkley???: by being unavailable emotionally and then following that up with loud bouts of neediness mixed with resentful texting and insecurity disguised as arrogance
me: way to go
merkley???: it’s a winning recipe
me: you need a girlfriend and you need to hang out with people who dont make you feel superior all the time
merkley???: ha ha i need my life to be like my dreams because they are great
me: we are not having a dreams conversation merkley
me: i like how our convos are always reduced to talking about not having friends
merkley???: well worse yet is that its a competition to see who has less
i saw my old friend yesterday in a ghetto mall, stopped to get catfood and booze and shared a slice and i got girl things from shopper’s anyway he was by himself on his way to eat at the zeller’s diner, i feel bad for him, he is living with his grandfolks now cos he got evicted cos he went nutzo. his parents died when he was 5 in a car accident he and his brother were both in the car when it happened and survived, this has i’m sure shaped who he is as a person, i do wonder how he would have turned out had he not lost his parents. anyway he is a loner he purposely outcasts himself cos he doesn’t trust people and their motivations who knows, i tried for a long while to be friends with him so did our mutual friend thom who went to school with him but thom just gave up, i didn’t really have a choice, mark just fell off the radar, phone disconnected all of that.
it was thom and i who got mark to finally get himself a phoneline so we could call him before that we would just drop in on him and it always kind of freaked him out like it would anybody, but mark especially. he was raised basically by movies and he has a titanium case full of ridiculously valuable comic books, there is this comic geek dude who runs a comic store in my old town and this dude totally took advantage of mark’s cashflow, at first mark thought they were friends but he eventually figured it out. he use to go to the guy’s house to play dungeons and dragons but eventually tired of those nerds and how upight they all were BRING YOUR OWN SNACKS AND TEN-SIDED DICE!
there was a period when he was starving himself “fasting” he claimed, he got to be very disgustingly thin, thom and i couldn’t deal with it and we would often fight with mark it seemed that mark liked that attention, it was about this time mark was starting to go squirly, he started dressing weird and barely bathed. i’m not going to go into detail about what happened but he did eventually start eating again. thom suspected he was secretly eating all along in small amounts and only in front of us wouldn’t to piss us off who knows.
mark doesn’t have to work cos of the allowance/money he gets from his parent’s will i forget how that worked out but anyway cos of this he doesn’t have any responsibilities, doesn’t go anywhere learn anything he has way too much free time we use to talk about him just getting some kind of useless dinky job even pushing a broom at mcdonald’s SOMETHING to get out of his apartment and he said he couldn’t do that, he is emotionally-handicapped i think.
anyway i saw him yesterday and he seemed to be ok, still lost, but coping, he was pretty aloof and spacey as usual i find that i am always pulling info out of him and eventually i am just too tired. mark if you are reading this email me.
i am super bummed it’s not the battery that was the problem with my camera, it’s the camera that’s wrong with the camera. LE SIGH. i don’t even feel like blogging today i’ve been feeling kind of blah towards it for awhile now probably started when i busted fil’s camera.
trying to select the most emotional song to play over and over today. it is very windy.
my dad’s house is neat it is four levels, has two basements and the previous owner left behind all this great old junk, an old projector, a fridge from the beginning of time, basement bar paraphernalia, a super old tv and so on.
fil went to this great deli and got 549 grams of smoked beef and we ate too much of it last nite i felt like everything about me smelled like meat it was pretty overwhelming we gave some to cid and he turned feral. then we were watching intervention and i said fil move your leg i have to look at cid so he moved his leg for a second then i asked do you like that i have to look at cid sometimes and fil said yes that is the extent of our conversations on sunday nite.
speaking of intervention last nite’s was over the top, it was about this girl cutter but the camera angles were all arty and totally stupid like egging this chick on and she’s down to her leopard print bra/undies and cutting her stomache and wipes the blood all over her face OK. her parents are complete christian fuck ups too instead of helping her deal with being molested for many years they pray for her and other people in the community prayed for her and they thought that would fix it, her dad totally sucked i don’t know why the interventionist didn’t call him on his bible shit. praying is selfish, when you pray you think you are praying for someone else when really you are just praying to ease your own mind which DOES NOTHING WHATSOEVER FOR THE PERSON WHO NEEDS THE HELP. praying is a waste of time. when they were all finished saying their please get help speeches the girl was like OK the end. plus her boyfriend was like the age of her dad and she is younger than me. i could go on more about this but i would just end up annoying myself more than i already am.
aw fil said he is buying me a new camera on his lunchbreak it will be my birthday present now i don’t have to kill myself.
