did i use this picture on my blog already i forget
ok i am drinking espresso and we are cool with one another, phew. if i had to cut out caffeine entirely then i would have to cut out booze, and i am not ready to do that yet. cut down, yes, out, no. in the mornings pre-espresso i do not think i can even be considered as alive, nowhere even close to functioning. i need to do one of those cleanse things but i would need to be on an island away from every single fucking temptation that there is i have zero will power and all you have to do is say a word like hamburger and i will obsess about it until i eat one. i have not had an actual hamburger in a long time, i’ve been successful in that department at least, i have not stopped thinking about hamburgers though, not so successful when it comes to that. it’s basically, booze or hamburgers, unfortunately hamburgers do not make me feel witty at all like booze can, booze wins.
this is me before eating a hamburger:
i am going to eat a hamburger
this is me after eating a hamburger:
i want to fucking kill myself
this is me before booze:
i want to fucking kill myself
this is me after booze:
isn’t it weird how as humans we live amongst the dead i mean we keep our dead close by in cemetaries and we visit them? humans are fucked yo!
i’m not wasted right now so i cannot provide an accurate this is me drunk anecdote i will in the future drunk post for you, maybe i can do a once a month drunk post and you have to figure out which post it was, i’ll link to five different posts and you have to figure it out. fun right?
on another note we watched the good shepherd last nite and it is the longest movie ever and a lot of things happen and it is hard to follow and a lot of whisper talk scenes which beyond infuriate me and (stop reading now i am going to spoil something) there is a part where someone is tossed out of a plane and it was really scary. **ok start reading again** angelina jolie was ok i guess but it was hard to disassociate her character from her in real life like RIGHT NOW SHE IS THINKING ABOUT ADOPTING AN ENTIRE SMALL COUNTRY BECAUSE SHE IS THE NEXT MIA FARROW and has something to prove but what that is is unknown. i have to go re-read jamie‘s review of it i remember he said it was super long and annoying but angelina is sketched-out in a couple scenes and it is cool so everytime we see angelina i kept saying THIS IS THE PART WHERE SHE IS A JUNKY but she wasn’t a junky and in hindsight jamie said she was drunk not sketchy so i am an idiot. i can’t believe jamie saw it in a movie theatre i would have lost my mind sitting down for that long sober in the dark holy annoying.
if matt damon does one more conspiracy movie where he is wearing glasses i am going write to his mother and complain.
the moral of the movie is TRUST there now you don’t have to watch it cos i did that for you. it is about the beginning of the CIA. there is no wang or tits in it but it is rated R, there are sex scenes but sneaky covered up flesh who the fuck walks to the bathroom with an entire bedsheet if i did that fil would fucking explode on me. well he wouldn’t explode but once he caught on to me pulling up the bedsheets we would get into one of those covers tug-of-war fights which would be totally ridiculous to see in a movie after the leading character boned some girl and was laying in bed all post-coital then turns zero to rage on her.
despite all of this it is still a good movie to see if you don’t have ADD and have over two hours of time to kill.
i am afraid to drink caffeine now, last nite in bed i sweated out a fucking lake and began to feel nauseous and decided fuck that i am NOT sitting up in bed feeling pukey til 5 in the morning cos i am too much of a pussy to ralph so i concentrated really hard on coma-time and it worked. right now i feel like shit pretty bad, i typically feel like shit every morning, is this extra-zoloft withdrawal? i think someone mentioned to be prepared to not go out in public for a solid week when the zoloft withdrawals really kick in. hmm sounds like a job for jameson’s.
i am afraid of caffeine cos i do not want to feel like last nite ever again, who sweats that much? ewen mcgregor coming off of junk in trainspotting, i, am not, coming off of heroin.
i think espresso should be fine, i’m just going to have to stay away from those chemical drinks, bipolar people are not even supposed to be dabbling with the caffeine devil to begin with, it’s true, and while i think i have more of a mood disorder combined with depression, i find that i do have certain similarities akin to bipolars with my personality and how certain things affect me ie. weed, caffeine.
my next post i will be having an espresso i will let it slip if i am feeling cuckoo or not.
for the last month or so, fil and i have been pounding a variety of energry drinks (sometimes two in a day), the least disgusting of them all i think is the full throttle (by coca cola) cos it isn’t cough syrupy thick like red bull or the rock star kind, sadly, my relationship with these guys must now come to a close as today i feel like the biggest skecthbag ever, like, coke jitters but different, random waves of sketch coming at me out of nowhere, i have noticed them before, mild waves at random, don’t last long but still, creep me the fuck out, fil said he felt sketchy yesterday. anyway, i went out with lise for sashimi and today was suppose to be sober day/nite but i had to have a beer to even out this fucking feeling, the weather also is not helping me any. so yeah, do not drink tallboy energy drinks everyday for more than a month you may as well get an eight ball. now i have the severe caffeine withdrawal to look forward to yeah!
then we went to dufferin mall i thought why not i feel like a junky i may as well be amongst my kind, and it actually helped a bit but the last ten minutes i was all um this was enough, there are not enough words to describe the scene what is wal-mart at the dufferin mall especially near the prescriptions/pharmacy area, wow.
there is also an h&m at dufferin mall now, do not go to it, it could go on a date with garbage, no not the band, but actual garbage. you have been warned.
as per request here is the song someone put samples of that crazy god warrior christian lady to, the song is called slag kick. thanks blogfart. this chick had slag kick playing in her myspace profile that is how i learned about this magical song. i want it to play sometime when i am out at a bar if you are a toronto dj play this song somewhere i habit. it is in your best interest to read this post on blogfart’s blog.
miss minx, funny, after having the following issue, and no one to really talk about it with, i decided that you could possibly be my guiding light.
the story starts with me and a female friend. we were in a beautiful relationship, but i didn’t appreciate her. i knew it, just not enough to do something about it. needless to say, she canned my ass. during my resulting insomnia , i discovered, i truly do love this girl, and as the saying goes, i would do anything for her. i’ve tried to talk to her, and of course she wont have any of it. so, i sent her flowers, and got nothing. as pathetic as it is, i wake up from actual nightmares. the first and last feeling of the day consists of butterflies, and grossness. i guess my question is, where do i go from here? i cant sleep. im not hungry. do you believe that there is one person for everyone? what if i threw it out? any help is appreciated. please, dont publish my name.
this is my advice:
if she dug you she would open up the lines of communicae communique and give you a second chance if you truly treated her like garbage like passive aggressive meanness you have to admit to it and apologize admit to all faults maybe you treated her so bad that she fucking hates you now my ex did that to me for 6 months and after i dumped him he went loony for awhile he thought i would always be around took me for granted controlled me hit me yelled at me all of that now i want him to die you might have to move on but if u didnt do nasty things to her then there is a chance, also i think there is always more than one person for someone so dont sweat it too much, it hurts for a little while but the pain goes away eventually and the more relationships you have will layer over the hurt and then it goes away completely
arran: the worst thing about having something like that happen to you is to be wearing that wonderboy outfit at the time
me: he fucking deserved it
arran: amazing he should get a croc tattoo on that arm or like a note that says “don’t be a retard”
me: he should have died
arran: haha
me: they prolly killed the thing after right
arran: man
me: isnt that what happens fil is mad at me for sending it to him
arran: nah… they probably sold more tickets to keep it alive for another show
me: haha well slapping it on the nose will not train it to not bite your arm off if you stick it in its mouth in front of a bunch of people making it all nervous with their crowd audience noises
arran: The Croc probably just thought that was the kind of relationship they had
me: blogging this soon it will likely be eclipsed by the other convo i post
arran: what do you mean eclipsed?
like “more awesome than”?
me: what the hell do you think i mean by eclipsed what can eclipsed mean other than ECLIPSED
arran: wooooo
me: woah i told you i was on my period
++++
Phil: how did you come across this? [flickr stream]
me: but the flickr stream is this chick who is friends with ******
Phil: oh
me: she is a year younger than me
Phil: oh
me: typical ******* chick who thinks they are funny and smarter than me i think she called me a whore once i met her once the end
Phil: cool story hansel
me: better than your fil stories
Phil: says you
me: the thing about your fil stories is they are predictible the moral of every one is that fil did something that lauren is suppose to find cool and therefore, fil is cool. fil went here, the end. ahahhahahah.
Phil: stop picking on me
me: are you a fragile old lady in a sweater wearing glasses
Phil: yes pretty much there is a rice cake sitting on my desk from friday and it is staring at me
me: i am sure it will be delicious thanks to that fucking crocodile video i will not have to eat until tomorrow
Phil: right
me: mmm but now i am hungry anyway i must make espresso i want to email lindsay lohan and ask her if part of why she went bonkers is cos of all the energry drinks she consumes
now i am going to talk about anti-depressants and menstrual flows it won’t be long. so i can’t remember exactly how long i’ve been off the ‘loft (how fucking cool am i for rhyming off and ‘loft, as in zoloft? the answer is extremely) anyway i read somewhere that zoloft can be an aide in allieviating cramps and makes you not bleed as much and to this i say yes it is true, for the past two or so years of being on zoloft i have not had suicidal menstrual dementia and all the other shit that comes along with the red tide, not saying i was cured of emotional distress or anything, and/or was cramp-free, just less harsh all around, and now that i am off zoloft, 7 monthsish? maybe 8 i forget, it takes roughly a year to be fully out of your system and now that enough time has passed my period is back to how fucking insane it was pre-zoloft teenager times i think i might have to get anaprox again, i have not experienced pain like this in awhile and i did not miss it at all, cramps spread out three days what the hell? and it is just going to get worse each passing month.
we saw great lake swimmers at church of the redeemer last nite, amazing, beautiful, touching, v. johnny cash grassroots hometown vibe, loved it.
i cannot see another show in a church though unless it is something loud and obnoxious, i cannot do the sitting not moving be silent and quiet thing for 1.5 hours, my mind wanders way too much and i get sleepy and crabby and moody and the dude beside me was loud-breathing THROUGH HIS NOSE so during the quiet parts of the songs all i could hear was his breathing also i am on my period so my 0-rage meter is extremely sensitive. despite all that i put forth a good effort in the giving a shit department and i wish we grabbed a cd before leaving.
then we got our drink-on at hemingway’s and bumped into fil’s old school chums ruth and kerri who were having girl’s nite out, we had a good conversation about kindergarden and i told a bunch of stories and kerri was all wow you had a ton of bad experiences in kindergarden i said no, i just dwell on the negative ones cos they’re funny, happy is boring, she said that’s awesome she is the same then said well sometimes she likes to tell happy stories too, then i said see? tuned you out. boring. no idea what you just said. they win cos they laughed at all my retarded jokes, i’m sure their martinis helped some.
if i ever do stand-up i will have it in my contract that everyone in the room must consume a minimum of 2 martinis, any style, before i go on, they can even be on their second when i hit the stage, i don’t care, i just know i get a lot funnier the more sauced you are and i go the extra mile.
some british dude bummed a smoke off me on the roof i said it was my last one, my walking home cigarette he BETTER not fuck me over he said he would give me one when he went back down to the bar so fine alright i give him my last one then i go back to our table, fil and i’s, and we are talking and i see the guy come back in and he’s totally forgot about my cigarette or he was lying so i made fil go over and get it and then i got really nervous cos it looked like they were being snarky to fil and i thought fil would get punched out but really they had just forgot and they were sharing a laugh about it but in my head i am picturing clearing the table with their faces. i was pretty close to going over there reeking of attitude, i am fucking glad that i didn’t. i think pitt’s paranoia is rubbing off on me.
in that video we were discussing fil’s fart jar, i am mind-blowingly trashed and samir is sammered. it is over a year old.
sign up and vote for me for best celebrity blogger. i am on the eighth page right now cos i have one vote only so far, i’m up against perez hilton and whil wheaton, it’s suppose to be celebrity bloggers, not celebrities WHO blog or blogs ABOUT celebrities. i don’t expect to win, xiaxue is in the running too. i dunno when the voting ends but the winner will be announced june 2nd. who knows who knows.
this is their synopsis of me, sounds about right:
20 something Canadian girl, journal style writing, insane. Loves herself and her hair and that is about it. People either love her or loathe her, quite interesting to watch the hate she can generate.
it’s shitty that you have to sign up in order to vote.
*update: i’m on the fourth page now with 3 votes, i think i am going to win.
