a few radiohead minutes.

me and cid sing paranoid android

but this is what you really want

SOOOOooooo sick.

that fucking chipotle mayo secret magic sauce gets me everytime.

lost my appetite, you win this round sickness.

oh and here is what i look like right now it rhymes with death, oh wait, it IS.

HAHAHAHAHHA

+++

did you guys watch the two corey’s last nite?

in the words of dynasty handbag, how umburrussing!

if anyone wants to have a dynasty handbag impressions hang-out sometime this week where we watch all the deephouse dish clips then talk like dynasty handbag for the rest of the afternoon, call me.

OOH WHEE T-SHANE DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID I JUST PAWSED YOU! B’OK!

definitely a jhonen vasquez homage.

oh good news, we think i’ve been sleepwalking. the sickness prolly. the other morning when we got up the garbage can that is under the sink was in the middle of the kitchen floor, and this morning the hospital beach blanket was in bed with me and i distinctly recall throwing it on the floor beside my side of the bed last nite. can’t wait to see what i do next!

oh and i have crazy sweatface right now and my head feels a million degrees afv stories time, fil is playing zelda, time for him to stop.

no make-up, no shower, sick as hell, partying.

awesome couple, she’s like 20 years younger, at least AND she’s flipping me off haha.

nice black beach socks, nice towel dress, go back to europe.

strange loner beach cruiser woman kept walking up and down the beach, had her little backpack and towel nearby.

oh man this is going to be funny, get ready to laugh guys.

i forgot to complain about how my entire life everyone has been saying my name wrong, it’s luh-ren but you have to say it fast like it’s no big deal and it’s a deep Luh sound so on top of waiting forever for my name to be called, they call me Loren – BARF, call me barf instead why don’t you! or Lorne michaels. and then the teacher makes this big grand showy effort to pronounce all the last names of my fellow portuguese and polish classmates, (polish last names are mental) and yet YOU CANNOT GO THE FUCKING DISTANCE TO GET MY NAME RIGHT!? the most whitest standard easiest 80’s name. if i was some ukranian chick you wouldn’t think twice about saying marta instead of martha, i have been discriminated against my entire life and yes i DEMAND reparations for it. like, now.

also, you can gauge if i like or give a shit about you based on whether or not i correct your mispronunciation. the nurse at my family doctor’s office calls me Loren, meh don’t care, she’s a cold bitch, not worth it, not like we are going to be pals.

hmm now that i’m thinking of it i feel like really sticking it to her but she would be like yeah so? then call me loren again.

i liked when supply teachers would fuck up my name then try and fight with me about the spelling of it like it should be spelled differently, yeah oh really? did you write a letter to the word “gnaw” as well? it was funny when my peers whom all of course loved/feared/were in awe of me, would correct the teacher/s on my behalf and get in wicked shit for it the hyper-spazz ones i’d be sitting at my desk looking down at my shit ignoring the teacher (passive aggression) and somone would snap IT’S LuuuhREN! then they would get a lecture on attitude and talking out of turn and i would give them the eyes like play on dude fight the battle you’re awesome!

sigh, elementary school, i’m gonna coast off your reputation ’til i’m 50.

+++

AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR A RAYMI DREAM!

another dream email featuring you

Hi there Lauren, or Raymi if you prefer, this is the commenter you know as
Helmüt.

Since other people always seem to email you about dreams they had, I thought I might too. Basically, I went to your blog as usual and turns out you had written 3 posts about my aunt and uncle and cousins whom you had somehow met, and you had pictures and everything, and you were making fun of them (not maliciously, deservedly). I wanted to leave you a comment saying Guess what, that’s actually my family, it’s a small world, etc. and tell you more about my cousin who likes expensive things, like his $2000 Gucci wallet (true story).

That’s it. PS: Now that you’ve posted several of these Raymi-dreams on the blog itself, how many nutjobs email you with stuff like this every week??

K

i get one everyday or every other day, somedays i get three dreams at once! and your cousin sounds like a limp tool, i would totally make fun of him and his wallet love raymi.

i just watched black snake moan and it cured me of my horrible stomach pain nausea and now i just want to nosedive a bucket of kfc. the power of my illness has fil convinced his stomach is fucked too i swear to god if this is because of that mackerel i will flip, no way of knowing though, and i think cid would be heaving by now or dead.

yesterday i google image searched fish ‘n chips don’t do it cos now i can’t stop thinking about it.

oh i have been awake since 6am hunched over on the couch clutching my stomach and convincing myself i have meningitis and i am too fargone haven’t caught it in time and i will die in a hospital bed later with lesions all over my face like rene russo in outbreak, that’s how fucked i get about puking and feeling nauseous, it is like the apocalypse. we crashed around 1 or so, best long weekend ever!

i can’t believe i know rene russo’s name.

remember when sars happened? it coincided with my nervous breakdown so i of course thought i was a carrier monkey for the disease and oh man nevermind, EMBARRASSING!

i guess i probably picked something up from the clinic when i had my physical.

haha i just looked at this post-it note i scribbled on last nite in a wine sickness hallucination daze so i wouldn’t forget to blog about it today.

the first thing is to blog about the alphabet (i know, awesome) and then talk about how my last name is white and do you know how it feels to be close to last on the roll-call at school and i was going to make it really impassioned and you guys would probably weep for me fuck global warming i am oppressed! i got the idea fom mad tv and how the cast is listed alphabetically. gem i tell you, you’re welcome!

the next thing i wrote down was a new blog title:

bipolar hilarious!

i re-read some of my raymistore descriptions last nite and was like who wrote this whoever they are they are fucking hysterical oh it was me? goddamn! and so on then i read some of it out loud to fil too cos i just couldn’t get enough of the funny and it had to be shared.

christina ricci sings in black snake moan and she sounds like a six year old and it made me uncomfortable.

we went to the island i am sick as hell i do not need to see another overweight spoiled loudmouth kid ever again. i brought one of those wine bags that look like something a piece of shit hippie would drink out of, but something like water. we hung around ward’s island it’s so great there so laidback and i dunno, like the south, no one cares, everyone is fucking weird and blows the annex’s whimsical out of the sky, there’s a clubhouse and lawn bowling thing and weird pointless ironwork art creations it felt like the wickerman.

i am typing to fil from across the room right now on gchat and he is answering me out loud saying oh come on lauren! just wait until he catches this shit, he is a million per cent more of a pill when he is sick.

me: you don’t love me
im sick deathly ill and all you care about is your camera
if something happens to me just remember that i always loved you
farewell
….

Phil: we’ll always have… the islands…

oh i met with amy today and gave her the cougar sweater from raymistore and i gave her a bunch of other shit too she asked if i wanted more money for it i said no man it’s good to get rid of it, i showed up unshowered and late.

i have some shitty funny anecdotes but i am too ill to bother i didn’t wear make-up today that’s how sick i am!

oh i went for a tan.

at the beach fil didn’t even take off his shoes, buzzkill enough? so then i put my shoes back on and we looked like the biggest losers. i wore my purple sequined ‘kini top cos of the you know, “mental problems” or something. why are kids so fat these days? or were they always fat? they wobble around demanding and screaming like, uh, fuck off? i’m pretty sure 6 is too young to have a thyroid problem.

+++

MADONNA COMMENTED ON MY BLOG!!!!!1111111

From one superstar to another I just wished to say that Guy and I enjoy your blog of a Sunday morning. Your escapades certainly brighten my weekend!
M | Edit comment Delete comment | Homepage | 08.04.07 – 6:10 pm | #

i checked the ip, it’s from london, so maybe someone isn’t fucking with me for once?

email me madonna i love you! raymitheminx@gmail.com

*probably not her, fil did some sleuthing and merkley is having a field day over telling me how NOT madonna that is hahaha.

in the words of flava flav, you know what time it is!

i LOVE it when these ones get posted, i think it’s a total intentional burn on people, like, you are demanding whiners how about NOT relying fully on a blog for your happiness and ability to carry on with your life? just a thought, do with it what you will. what else oh yeah i like that this guy is in a shame spiral now because of it what the fuck? could you be more unstable? the name of this card’s file is Sorry-IGetAbout1000AWeek hahaha. i bet next sunday’s post will have a similar message. YOU IGNORED ME. ME! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME I CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT PAY ME ATTENTION NOW! VALIDATE ME AND POST MY GODDAMN SECRET ABOUT BED-WETTING I HATE YOU! just kidding i don’t hate you but i KNOW you hate me i can SO TELL!

oh i thought it was a pill who knew? i know! GO ON ZOLOFT! the time you took making this card should have been spent seeing a shrink and getting a ‘script, you know it takes 6 weeks to kick in right? way to be forward-acting.

EWWWWWW! i’m pretty sure that i most definitely did not ask.

woah nice “best” “friend” there. did you fucking murder them when you found out? burn on you for being duped for two years. i bet your friend is a pathetic weasel and is in love with you but too afraid to let the world know they are a raving dyke lesbian and you would probably reject them so they virtually jacked off with you for two years EVERYBODY WINS!

what, you quit molecules? WHY CAN’T I QUIT YOU CHEMISTRY!?! that grammar is pretty confusing too, fil and i are in a fight about it right now thanks asshole.

BARFTOWN! what the fuck are you waiting for do you not live near any available earth are you living on an island built entirely of cement? if i was your roommate and i found that in our fridge i would have you formed asap. also, GET OVER IT! i can’t fucking stand women who have abortions then moan about it and say MY BABY MY BABY you are a headcase and you made a choice, people make choices everyday, NEWSFLASH, how about you are lucky to even have that choice and don’t have to shove a coat hanger up inside yourself.

oh i’m so shocked someone with low self-esteem sent in a postcard to postsecret. if we were in a bar together and you unleashed this gem on me i would be so furious that i had to humour you for ten minutes about “being worth it” ungh.

first of all the term “make love” makes me HEAVE and secondly what the fuck hurts are you being pile-driven by an entire football team with dinosaur cocks?

there in my closest? you didn’t happen to steal one from a spelling bee did you? oh you must have been over at YOU’RE mom’s house that day.

haha yeah right keep telling yourself that. nice dramatic postcard, very serious, i can REALLY tell that you are in a LOT of pain i will never dump someone, telling from your representation of it i would rather save myself from all that physical anguish i also am not a warlock who is able to shove their hand through their chest so delicately ps. there is nothing gayer than red roses you deserved it.

hmm i’m not clairvoyent or anything but i think it’s safe to say you haven’t lost hold of the stupid.

i am happy to report that my passive aggressive treatment of this one chick at the movie store has finally paid off, it only took 6 months of purposely going to a different person to pay for my movie and outright ignoring her existence, she was super nasty to me once so that’s the reason for this george costanza-like treatment, she saw the nice exchanges between me and her fellow employees (fully hammed up) and wanted in on that, yesterday she was so beyond cheery to me and ass-kissy it blew my mind she couldn’t be nice enough in fact, i wish fil was there to witness it, he was waiting in the car. we take turns going in for movies sometimes, usually it’s me and when i get back to the car i tell him in minute-detail every facial expression she made and thing she said to someone else while i am being served by her coworker/s and i feel her eyes all over me i know it pissed her off (being ignored) but that’s the beauty of the passive aggressive, it isn’t tangible, if she mentions it everyone will be like you are crazy what are you talking about that customer is a sweetheart haha.

I WON.

also, i am siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

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!!!