here is a video of my papa dancing to sexyback your heart will sing.
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here is a video of fil’s reaction to that little baby thing fil’s mom ordered, she doesn’t think there’ll be a grandchild anytime soon, so she’s making do.
it smells like baby powder too.
the catalogue, after thumbing through it i kinda wanted one of my own, i know! shut up!
this post is brought to you by creep central.
my mom‘s blog has loads more photos from the anniversary party and HER OWN interpretation of the events of that nite and things that “were said” and i look gross and fat in most of the pictures.
oh my god i wish i was there when the social visionary piece of shit tagged that. man it really makes me think. that backwards N is just too much and the contradicting question mark, wow, you blew my mind kid! fucking oakville.
fil’s mum really wants a grandkid.
so we slept in the scary house in our tent and all the windows of the house were open and it was kinda chilly so i slept in my socks pants cardigan hoodie spring jacket toque then at five in the morning i got up cos i had to pee but was also so totally dehydrated and we neglected to bring water from the other cottage, fil woke up at the same time to take a whiz and when he came back to the tent i said in my most desperate voice fil please crack open that (warm) tallboy for me i am sooo thirsty so he does and it was like drinking sand, i was so pissed off i didn’t have the energy to get up and squat so i just took off my jacket and toque and passed out again and woke up a few hours later with the fullest most in pain bladder ever i swear it was an hour long squat then i went over to the cottage and drank a huge glass of water poured another then had some bailey’s and coffee then the room started spinning so i walked back to the scary house fil was awake blah blah do you really want to know the rest? oh remind me to tell you about folding napkins fight!
oh wait here is something funny sort of but now i feel kind of mean anyway we were on the boat everyone was loaded and chris was like where are you sleeping i say in a tent and he says a tent in the house that isn’t camping (there was no previous boasting that we were camping) in this i am right you are wrong tone of voice (don’t use that tone of voice when i am on my period btw) so in feeling upstaged i said DO YOU FORGET WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO in my scary voice and he kind of fake-cowers and says yes and something else kind of lipping back and i snap WELL WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS BURST OF CONFIDENCE COMING FROM THEN!? it received a nice laugh.
i only feel mean cos after that i felt i was on a roll or something and i guess i was the only one who knew i was joking for the rest of the nite it’s ok everyone else was schizo drunk too. hopefully. well shari was she kept insisting she only had two beers pffft wait til i put up those photos. we had hamburgers at midnite and i was like fil you are WASTED eat this hamburger NOW i mean it EAT IT then i inhaled it.
then i decided i had the strength of a rhino and tried to take dave down in the sand a bunch shari tried to help me i think he feigned weakness or he really is that limp, anyway to shut me up he said i was strong, it was pitch-black and we were all just standing in the sand talking at once and shoving each other, pretty fun. oh fil kicked him in the balls cos he thought he was a tree stump then told everyone the story fifteen times and they re-enacted it too.
there’s loads of photos from the island on my flickr.
here is a nice story, we were rushing to get out of the city to go to my nana and papa’s 50th anniversary last nite and we were about to get on the gardiner expressway but these fuckbags with their shopping cart filled with harbourfront trinkets and food thought the little curve turn was their secret magical safety street crossing corner and the traffic lights are just decorative, so we are behind two cars that can’t go because of these yuppie dinks so fil hammers the horn blant blant blaaaaaant and i have my finger on the window button cos i KNOW there are going to be words and this is raymi’s time to shine so the two cars ahead of us gun it finally when i swear, ten of these dicks finish crossing, and one of them looks at us and puts his arms in the air like alfred e newman “what me worry” shrug which puts me zero to rage, of course (there is nothing more infuriating than someone who thinks they are right and have the audacity to make a dig at you when they are WRONG) so i zip down the rest of my window, stick my head out (i look like a total babe at the time i might add) and scream yell at the skinny twerp (everyone who just crossed are all standing there waiting around too) NOT YOUR TURN IDIOT! then fil zoomed us away, i know that guy probably killed himself after my most wicked delivery and timing, i wish i had time enough to say shove your puny little stick arms up your ass! i’m trying to remember if i said you idiot or y’idiot, i think it was y’idiot but when i said idiot i put tons of emphasis on the IDIOT like it was the F word man i am so awesome.
if you want to leave a comment but the link isn’t there, hit refresh and there the link she’ll be.
dream report
Hey raymi,
Good work on appearing in my dream last night.
I was at some apartment.
Not your apartment, not mine.
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and you were in the hall yelling,
“hurry up, man!”.
I responded with, “Sorry Lauren”, pronouncing it the way you’ve instructed,
and you smiled and laughed .
i just spent ten minutes brushing out the rat’s nest of my hair in the shower, i called fil to bring me my brush, and because once upon a time he was a long haired sensitive ponytail guy, he likes to think he is an expert on hair-brushing, he said NOW REMEMBER TO START AT THE BOTTOM as he passed me the brush. that’s fine and all if you have time to kill and want little butterflies to float delicately around you as a pony laps up cartoon water in the forest clearing you stopped at to hum a little song about ribbons and honey, women however, typically do not have the patience for that, i at least do not and i’m used to the pain anyway so i drag that motherfucker from the top of my head, down to the tips and then write fuck yeah! with the piles of hair i ripped out on the shower wall.
next time i will just play dumb so hard that he brushes my hair for me.
tarley enjoys ketchup and maple syrup on his not a breakfast sausage.
sigh, island cottage.
slutty outfit meter is turned to tramp.
i am wearing my wedges right now i dunno why i haven’t put them on all summer long, well, we walk everywhere, but i still walked KMs in them last season. anyway, i’m sorry if you can’t handle that i had miles of leg BEFORE wedges and now i am mt. everest with big period tits oh man i’m so glad i will be without internet in a half hour i’m starting to write like this whimsical slut. oh did i also mention how tanned i am, my legs? if you were looking for your barbie’s tanned legs hi, over here.
before doing it last nite i was like zzz then i whipped off my underwear threw it at the wall then did the gameshow hand model swoop across my tits stomach and vag and fil exploded in laughter what the fuck was that? hey man, sometimes you gotta add some pizazz. then he copied me then i did it again then we were just both lying there air-swooping over our bodies like we were food processors and car buffers then got busy before fil’s boner was completely killed by my stupid jokes.
haha fil came in the door and i was just sat here winking at him like a sleaze he said why are you winking at me? and i just kept winking and he crinkled up his face. we take turns perving each other out, i usually win. calling him lover is the best for ew-reaction.
i don’t have time to listen to any of these right now, but you should it looks hilarious. thanks jamie.
i keep thinking it’s thursday, yesterday felt like friday, cos i knew fil would be coming home early today. we are going up north for the night for a birthday party which will lead to drinking the entire island. i’m going to try and drink as little as possible, being hungover at family events (saturday) is just not the way to do it, little cousins running up to you, uncles you never see all interested in your life and you are like uuuuuuuuuh is someone playing a tambourine inside your head too? being on my period and in nature is just awesome too, there aren’t bears on this island but there are scary wolf dogs.
i read in some cougar magazine years ago that when women menstruate they dress like whores (not exact wording) some hormone makes them think i have to show cleavage and be the hottest most earthy barefoot goddess (barf on that word) ever, and, it’s true, so right now i am tearing apart my wardrobe (in my mind) so when fil gets home i will be a sexy puked up eccentric rainbow then i’ll start crying because no one understands me.
i dreamt someone was harassing me in my comments and they forgot to clear the form so i found their website, oh wait, that happens all the time. anyway, their website sucked and they were ugly.
blog dreams, my favourite, consume my entire life much!?
i like how in my comments my mom said she likes that red shirt painting i did, because i was high as hell when i drew it. yeah mom, just some of the trimmings and trappings you get from reading your daughter’s blog.
i’ve been sort of ignoring you too, did you notice?
she told my dad about my numbness episode and got him going he totally worries about me and so i’ve been deleting all her comments and not replying to emails.
one time at my nana’s i can’t remember what i said but my mom went LORD, TAKE ME NOW in this totally overwhelmed southern belle tone of voice and since then my brother and i have added it to our burn collection, we immitate it every chance we get around her and pretend we are on a fainting couch haha.
ok HERE is what i wrote for laist i was too busy eating and slamming to go back online and link it last nite.
