i bought fil a new camera bag for his birthday (i buy his present early to get it over with before the big xmas shoppingathon and before i spend all my money on myself), the one he was carrying around got on my nerves too much, it’s like hey guys i brought my cooler to your party/concert/bike ride – i suspect docked him some coolness points, and me too by association, not good. it was an expensive bag, i could have bought a shitty digital camera for the cost of that thing. i almost wanted him to get the national geographic safari-looking bag but the NG logo was a bit too big, and we don’t really go on safaris, so there’s that. i had no idea how much camera stores are camera-geek mecca and how many looks i got, and even my picture taken paparazzi-style, i jumped on one guy and said can i see what you took and he showed me a picture of me as deer-caught-in-headlights looking. for you single lonely ladies go to henry’s, not the main one, but the one where all the discounted merch is, and if you don’t come out of there with a new boyfriend then i dunno, you must be phenomenally disfigured-looking or something. we bought the bag from downtown camera after looking in both henry’s, we like to choose the little guy and they matched the price of henry’s bag.
lip piercing holes come in handy. it’s closed now, it’s not even a hole, just an annoying divet. i had that in there a solid ten minutes and no one noticed.
when we walked into downtown camera two cops were in there and i was thinking oh great can’t wait to see the bloodshed, but no, they were just looking at fancy cameras. i had to go up beside one to ask the price of the camera bag and i think one took my picture i was too scared to look at him though and ask about it i almost peed in my pants and then another cop came in, then they all left and as they were walking past us fil was moving to look down in the showcase and i was moving to the left to avoid him and the cop walking by me and i was so nervous and hot and stuffy in my winter jacket that i ended up tripping over fil’s foot and punching him slightly in the glasses!
then i looked at one of the camera dudes and we gave each other a wtf? look and i mouthed that was weird and then the camera guys talked about cop guns.
speaking of national geographic i bought fil the special wildlife issue and it was 14 fucking 95! i didn’t find that out until i was taking a wizz and looking at my receipts, i intended for it to be a surprise but the price changed that, it is too expensive to be a surprise, i had to let it out.
if you want to see some big balls you should go on over to bmv on bloor.
Jamie: and figuring you were talking to a more exclusive clientele
me: its like talking to someone who has a puppet on their hand, you believe the puppet to be the one doing the talking did i just say a meme?
Jamie: are you trying to tell me that i’m talking to a puppet??
me: no i am comparing the BUSY chat icon to someone oh nevermind my brain is too complex for you
Jamie: i know! i was just trying to push it to a more absurd level it’s my specialty
me: it is
Jamie: someone says something funny, then i push it one step beyond funny to not funny
me: yeah thanks for doing that what are you going to do today napoleon
Jamie: going to deborahs jewelry shindig she has to be there all day i’m not going until later
me: you should show up wearing all of her pieces
Jamie: she already called me and said it was super boring and that the other designers are “poo-pooing her”
me: and unbutton your shirt like sting
Jamie: being snooty yes! i’ll have to see if she left anything behind for me to wear
me: its cos shes tall and hot and they all probably look like trolls
Jamie: a pair of bold earrings she said that everyone is boring
me: bold is as gay as saying handsome THESE DISHES ARE SO HANDSOME thats an inside joke me and fil have about his dad referring to the dishes he gave fil as handsome i said it when we visitted once, i said it about the new rangehood
Jamie: and the people who are there to shop and poke around are mostly crusty old upper-east-siders
me: fil almost busted up laughing ew
Jamie: handsome ha that is pretty gay “my, that’s a handsome tie you have on”
me: deborah should make herself look uglier i bet she’d get more business
fil told me she’s suing over this cos she hasn’t had anything done.
Jamie: you’re ugly, but your tie is handsome
me: oh dont be so bold she should wear a dusty grey wig
Jamie: i started getting paranoid that other people googled her and found my blog and saw naked pictures of her and that i ruined her career
me: career ruiner well then she could advertise to porn stars she should email bust magazine and get them to do a piece on her
Jamie: do porn stars wear jewelry?
me: make it all punk independent woman angle im going to email bust and plead my woman case to get more fame pornstars wear necklaces and earrings im blogging all of this
Jamie: pearls oh no you’re not it’s dull you never post when i’m on
me: yes i am its funny! well maybe you should think about that ha
Jamie: i mean “on”
me: i know you are talking to doctor on right now duh
Jamie: can you write prescriptions?
fil wants me to clarify that I drew the penis bush and that he wrote ‘lauren loves the’ even though it is inherently obvious and thus ruins the joke, fil doesn’t want you guys thinking he’s some penis bush egomaniac for some reason.
c got herself some new hair, took a thousand ugly pictures of us, put them on flickr, then went to work so they can’t be deleted. fil is finding an ugly picture of her right now to put up. funny anecdotes to come once my eyes open up a little more. last nite we were supposed to have one glass of wine with dinner then watch pirates of the caribbean whichever the last one is that we haven’t seen yet is called, anyway, we had nice thai then walked to the movie store then on our way back i say hmm should i have a martini just to have a nice buzz while i watch this stupid movie and christie said i’m in and fil of course caved, we go to the labyrinth lounge wherein i notice it is 3 dollar jack nite.
fil had 6 of those and 1 dirty martini.
me and christie had 4 dirty martinis.
sober nite <3
oh and we stared at the noah’s party across the room too and made jokes that are probably hilarious once i can remember them. i guess i should watch it cos i left some of my cards in the bathroom there. oh i remember i said hey look noah’s is annexing the annex! then i turned off a lamp and sat back down on the couch just cos.
dear noah’s hi how are you, uh we bought some lactose free milk the other day and the expiry date is dec 9 and my boyfriend just dumped it down the sink cos there were chunks in it, why yer products gotta be so shady? this is what i wanted to ask you last nite because i can see through time and i knew that this morning the milk would be foul. ps. you guys are panty waists, your bar tab sat at 99 dollars all nite long and there was like 20 of you.
today is the anniversary of john lennon’s death, also my grandfather’s too, who was a great man. party on you guys.
so these people from niagara falls came up to our table near the dancefloor at the horseshoe because they are friends with one of us, and guess what, it’s so dark back there you are basically in a dungeon, you can’t see shit, so we did not know that they were even there to begin with, and then they vanished. i go outside and someone in our group said yeah my friends said you were all rude to them and sneered at them, no wait, i can’t remember the word, i think it was sneered, anyway you get the point, apparently we all sneered at them and were really pretentious because we were all taking pictures of ourselves, and we are really rude. whatever niagara falls i don’t have night vision goggles ok? i DO remember introducing myself and fil to one of these people who did not run away crying actually, which would classify me in the NOT-rude category.
it was stated that these people have a hate-on for toronto because toronto is rude to them. WRONG. it is actually them being rude to toronto and have an incorrect pre-conceived notion about how they will be treated by toronto and ps. it’s called social skills, use them next time. also they think toronto hates niagara falls. dude, we don’t know anything about niagara falls other than the falls, the casino, and the wax museums, and the american tourists – there is nothing to hate because THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. build yourself a cultural identity not solely based upon hating on the rockingest city in the country that you are not and maybe party down a little bit hi nice to meet you.
and btw, taking pictures of yourself is not pretentious at all, it’s pretty much the complete opposite, mayhaps if you joined the year 2007 like the rest of the world and their grandma and bought a digital camera you would know that and another thing, we are a travelling gong show with zero capacity for pretention, lots of dick jokes and booze, no pretention. nice try.
i don’t even think any of us are originally from toronto, we just live here.
these peeps told my buddy that she has “changed” now that she lives here. serglreiugIUAVGVABK>C:Freh!!!! people who say that are the biggest most insecure penises ever hi maybe focus on yourself instead?
i don’t know why they had to make it a niagara falls vs. toronto war, i don’t have a crystal ball (sadly) so how do i even know where you are from? oh wait, drast! you figured out my secret powers i can tell where everyone lives! ps. WHO CARES! i will even talk to a rock if it will pay me attention for crying out fuck!
Elizabeth: I am meeting my only female friend here for a walk with the dogs shes from toronto born and raised so I actually like her have a good friday night – and PS I hated bianca all season, oh and I think jenah is going to win
me: do you know how many times u tell me about her and say she is from toronto
Elizabeth: ha well shes no raymi
me: i almost forgot i thought she was actually from greece
Elizabeth: oh well
me: shes not from greece right?
Elizabeth: she’s actually from toronto!
me: are you sure she is from toronto she might be lying
Elizabeth: no
me: you might want to do some fact-checking
Elizabeth: she is from TORONTO
me: not sarnia? she might have LIVED in toronto but is originally from sarnia, maybe even barrie? still, im not ruling out greece
i was asking him if he wanted to be my email friend and he said no then i said ok how about real life then and he said something poetic with NO at the end (i think) and then wendi whispered something unintelligible in his ear and he said here’s something my good friend neil young said keep on rocking in the free world and left, i asked wendi what she said, she says i don’t know, i asked did you blow it for us, she said yes. that’s great, and i wonder why i have social anxiety?
on my way to grossman’s everyone was walking really fucking slow, wendi and liam were TRASHED and liam kept swinging his commemorative beer glass and it made me super nervous so i threw ice balls at him.
i started the balloon beer thing, it only spread to fil, what else is new?
hi i don’t know if we’ve met before, i am the creepy awkward loser at your party, i like playing hangman and collecting beanie babies.
here is an excerpt from sundays with vlad i have been meaning to transcribe since i first read it (great book btw, i’m still working on it, these days i read pretty slow).
excerpt:
in a live-action role-playing game, or LARP, like the one played by the camarilla, everybody dresses up like their character and they act out what their character does. the players use a complicated system of signals and hand gestures to tell other folks what they’re doing as they wander the[hotel]halls–a vampire who is using some kind of special seeing or hearing ability might point to his eye or his ear with his left index finger. while i follow hermann, i hold up my hand with my first two fingers crossed – the signal for being out of the game, as well as the universal symbol for “i’m lying to you about not stealing your pop-tarts” on every schoolyard in america. a player might also cross a hand over his chest to indicate that he’s invisible or make an L with his fingers to indicate that she’s speaking a different language.
end excerpt.
he’s talking about this yearly hotel weekend gathering of nerds doing live action role play, pretty hilarious. if i wasn’t so hung i would transcribe some more.
we are on the last roll of tp, we fight about who should buy it all the time, i use more than fil cos i got two places to wipe, fine, but now that he’s home with me crapping up a storm i think it’s closer to equal now. one time we fought so hard about toilet paper we didn’t speak to each other all the way home in the car. he likes to mime that he is wrapping a tp mitt around on his hand, i don’t even do that. anyway fil this is a head’s up it’s your turn to buy tp memo. oh i can already hear him slamming on his keyboard across the room writing me a flame in my comments.
i have never ever looked at the ceiling at the shoe before thanks to these balloons it finally happened.
too bad kiefer sutherland is serving time, we saw him playing pool once on canada day, maybe he woulda turned up oh man that would be so awesome.
i started the ribbons thing then everyone did it go me go.
i love britt’s camera it makes my skin look all dewy.
my face sucked up all the flash because gill is not tanned at all. these are britt’s pictures.
we went to the horseshoe’s 60th anniversary party last nite, gord downie did three songs, one being search and destroy, i got em all on video. this mental guy in the front beside me kept pumping his hand out for gord to shake the entire time and while filming i was like ok i gotta give him my card but the guy’s shake my hand desperation got me anxious and i was starting to worry for him that gord wouldn’t shake his hand, but then at the end he did and then some others and the give him my card moment passed.
i met one of the barenaked ladies (tyler stewart) and he said he already knew me and my blog, he is in the elliott brood video i’m in too as a mounty, he said it [my blog] is a really good blog. k-os ignored me it’s ok fil took my picture beside him sneaky-like. i ignored jian ghomeshi. there was free labatt 50 all nite long and food and cute decorations. you’re not supposed to drink 50 though or any labatt products cos nq arbuckle said at a show that they sponsor ku klux klan rallies. when we first showed up the door guys laughed at fil and said oh of course he’s the first one here, fil is basically a fixture there like that homeless guy who always parties at the shoe, he was there last nite too. i kissed him once on his beard and it had wet all over it and the next day i got lock-jaw i’m amazing don’t forget it.
my hands have begun their winter-transformation into scaly wrinkly british old lady lizard hands yes! i swear if i didn’t have some french in me i would look like a prune with mascara on already thanks dad for slummin’ it! heh.
update again
i decided that going out in search of a holiday shirt will only stress me out more so i am going to sit here and enjoy my stress in a sweater i have only worn once before, as a lesson that buying things when you feel on-edge is not a solution even though it sounds funny when you write it down, in reality the funny, not so much.
this sweater has a rainbow on it and a hipster(dubious)-looking yellow cloud i want to suck my thumb until new year’s. at least there is oprah. i swear she was invented for the mentally unbalanced, here is something to kill an hour by and feel like you are actually bettering your life. suckers.
we are going to another party tonite, i think my stress/nerves have something to do with it. anticipating the ten millionth nite of debauchery and being “on” for strangers then throw in some minor “celebs” where i continually say something stupid or yeah hi we actually met months ago at such and such event/party/show, they remember me and i never remember them but i have to act like i do. or sometimes they talk up fil for ten minutes and ignore me, you see a tall dude flanked by five bitches, it makes other girls think he is single for some reason or NOT with me, so to deal i either tune it out passive aggressively, get very introverted, or get (most likely) absurdly buzzed and whisper angry comments in fil’s ear. it’s not a jealousy thing even though it comes across that way, and yes i fully admit i am wickedly jealous, what it is i think mostly the first thing, bad nerves, and anxiety in social situations, coupled with bipolar where i feel trapped in being “on” and then feeling obligated to keep track of everything that is happening, mainly fil. now do this 5 nites a week.
i plan to scatter some of my cards around tonite and fil told me i have to be subtle about it, yeah i know thanks manager, way to psyche me out i do that enough as it is already i don’t need any extra help with it.
oprah makes me feel even more depressed than i was to begin with.
i wrote her a letter once when i lived in maine, she did not reply.
