uh i just thought i was listening to someone beating off in the park outside the window, i cautiously snuck on over to the balcony.

it was a woodpecker.

that is all.

S Says:
08.18.08 at 3:57 pm

I like hearing wannabe suicide girl types bemoan how hardcore they’re living being some fucking two-bit weed and coke dealer’s girlfriend. Yeah, babe, you really lived the life. it’s going to be a great memoir someday when you’ve squirted out a couple of kids and are bored with your upper-middle-class husband.

FWAHAHAHABAAhahaahAHAa ah haha.

can we retire that line of reasoning yet? is the square police going to show up at my house someday and go excuse me the jig’s up time to straighten up and fly right your days of being unlame end right now.

sorry to break it to ya kids but i intend to be an obnoxious dick pretty much for the rest of my life, and no little shit kid i might birth is going to change that. do you know that it is actually 2008 and not 1950? since when does starting a family equate packing in your personality, i don’t even think it is humanly possible to undergo such a drastic change like that. i know my parents didn’t. my kid is going to be 1000% mouthier than i am and it is going to be hilarious until they hit their teens then BOARDING SCHOOL IT IS SEE YOU WHEN YOU’RE 18. haha. nuh i kid i kid, all my money is going toward holidaying as much as possible and leaving the kid with fil’s mom.

anyway the point is, what kid wouldn’t be elated to discover that their mother reigned supreme a tiny little nook of the nets for awhile, embarrassed you say? ok well i can just send you right back with the stork you ungrateful little twat, thanks to me you have a dazzling quick-witted personality and jokes up the yin-yang and are really really exceptionally good looking.

so in conclusion, no i will not regret this blog, and yes this will be a great memoir thanks for reminding me, i haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of all the stories logged in my demented brain.

sorry it didn’t occur to you to be interesting on the internet when blogging started.

raymi contest time come out and be socially awkward with me!

oh right i said it was a contest ok uh, to get on the list with me you have to just 1. not be a retard and 2. email me!

the paint is still wet so it looks a bit muddled i just could not wait to share this masterpiece with you guys.

this painting incorporates two of my most loathed things chicks do when they’re drunk and posing for pictures:

1 bullshit sign
2 faux doggy-styling each other (am i right or does that not make you want to throw them down some stairs?)
3 my really long arm, which i do not actually loathe.

also i gave her tits. ew? ((((art))))

don’t worry it is even shittier in person. oh shit fil just came home and pointed out my thumb is on the wrong side of my hand hahahahaha.

what am i going to link to today you ask? oh, well just this little A-Z guide to dating a drug dealer i wrote, is all.

one time on oprah she was going on and on about these special mini watermelons that were shaped like basketballs, circular, not oblong like typical watermelons are, anyway, she would not shut up about them how they were the latest thing and she asked for them to be created or something (some food scientists bred them just for her!) and then at the end of her spiel she flips into AND YOU’RE ALL GETTING A WATERMELON overdrive excitement normally reserved for when giving away cell phones and cars, seriously, a watermelon? thanks oprah, thanks a lot, this totally makes flying to chicago, booking a hotel, buying a new outfit and getting my hair did very worth it. you could see on everyone’s faces how underwhelmed they were about it and all these asshole staff come out with watermelons under their arms and people are looking under the seats and holding up watermelons and oprah is jumping around on stage fists in the air tom cruising all over the set going YES YES YES MINI WATERMELONS. most unintentionally hilarious thing ever. or maybe not, maybe oprah’s actually a comedian.

ps. watermelon did shit all for my hangover thanks matt.

Ryan: did you ever hear that tom petty song girl on lsd
that’s what it reminds me of i like it
i’ll send it to you in a minute i gotta restart

me: nice

BEING SHIPPED MONDAY!

chinese food is on the way over, i had to bail on the burbs we got in the car and the heat hit me like a ton of bricks and i started getting panicky (hangover anxiety is a new joy in my life) so had to come home to take a chill pill, fil went on w/o me sigh le sigh i can’t wait for the fluorescent yellow moustache i am about to receive. i’m sad i can’t go to agabi though, i don’t think i could handle the creamy garlic sauce right now anyway, i still asked fil to bring me back some, he said if he remembers he will. what will i do with it other than pour it all over my naked body?

and cos the anxiety attacks i’m currently experiencing aren’t enough…

hi… your super hot im seriously serious… check my attached pic!

uh, thanks?

just had to wear sunglasses to be able to withstand the kitchen light to make an espresso. is it embarrassing to call a variety store and ask if they have watermelon and then show up and buy one? cos i can’t like pretend that it wasn’t me who called. unless i show up in a disguise and buy something as well as the watermelon to distract from the watermelon and the phone call. what would that other item have to be? a knife. TO CUT THE WATERMELON ahahahahha. oh god i slay me. maybe i could buy some friends too.

still wearing my elvis shades it is that kind of afternoon.

i have a million more videos of this. one of the games we invented was raymi and steph sit and talk while matt and fil take turns kicking the ball at us and it’s not the other guy’s turn until the first guy makes contact. another one was simpsons/tv trivia and if you get it wrong, hit in the face, if you get it right then you get to hit the person who asked the question in the face. it of course got out of hand. then when i went to the bathroom fil shoved a pine needle through the ball to see if it could pierce it. steph covered the hole with the band-aid. it wasn’t even our ball too! some kid’s, when we left we gave it back to the family, they were content in watching us destroy each other with it all afternoon. they’re like crazy white people look at those idiots you call that fun? yes, yes i do.