seven seconds in is my favourite thing right now i can’t stop laughing oh man where’s my brother when i need him.

ok so every summer when i was a kid we went away for a week to sauble beach or wasaga, or to the cottage, sometimes we did all three in a week. the older we got the more beach it was over the cottage. anyway, before each trip my grandpa would give us (my brother and i) a couple twenties to spend on our vacation. thanks grandpa! usually i blew it on truly ridiculous shit like whoopie cushions, water guns, a plastic switchblade, inflatable toys, whatever. i remember i had this teeny little cushion shaped like a heart that my grandma made and it had a little pocket on it, it was a tooth fairy pillow thing, she made one for my brother too, very whimsical and it had lace trim, pretty gay actually but very sweet. anyway, i decided that this thing was going to hold my forty dollars, so in my 2 bills went and where did i decide to keep it? i hung it off the dry cleaning hook in the back seat of the car above my head and stared at it for the majority of the ride to sauble beach. i remember at one stop my dad was like what the fuck is that and unhooked it and i flipped out. seriously this thing was probably the least stealth flimsiest dumbest money hider ever. anyway, i only lasted maybe a couple hours having it hanging there, why i couldn’t just put my money in my pocket to begin with? as i stared up at it i fantasized over all the things i would spend that money on.

i didn’t end up spending my money until after we got back from vacation and i bought two huge trolls of course, with purple hair, in wedding attire, one groom one bride. they were the monster-sized ones. prior to vacation was my uncle’s wedding and i was a junior bridesmaid and my dress was purple and i was OBSESSED and CONSUMED with weddings now cos i had so much fun that nite and i felt heartsick about it being over oh man so gay i know. i even bought a flower girl and ring bearer troll to complete the set. i also had like 30 other trolls.

L-O-S-E-R!

ok i will go get my journal and transcribe all the entries that revolve around that wedding it’s pretty pathetic. oh wait i did spend some of that money on a beavis and butthead t-shirt that made me wicked fucking cool once september rolled around.

i seriously don’t know how parents can keep a straight face when their kids are being total morons. my kid is going to be so over the moon oh man can’t wait for the zingers.

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ok and remember i said i am never blogging about diets again? well i still get asked about it a lot, i found the post i wrote finally when i did phase two of dieting and lost more weight. here it is FUCKING BOOKMARK IT THIS TIME.

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Highwaisted: OH MY GOD DID YOU NOT SEE THE TROLLS I TOOK OUT LAST WEEK AND DISPLAYED THEM IN FRONT OF MY TV?

Highwaisted: amazing

so far she hasn’t written back

wine attack birthday girl.

snicole/theletterpurple were on the scene last nite. lovely ladies.

just a little for now so alicia can get on with her day. she and steph had themselves a funnay cigarette then disappeared for awhile. steph was very excited about going out on the town with the big girls. haha. alicia left her id at the front door and i have it on me now and am about to take some pictures of it for my blog.

so i have this thing where i think i’m really fucking funny right?

i think it got funnier as the nite wore on, at first i was like haha look at me in your jacket but NOW look at me giving you a painting of your jacket while wearing it.

leave me alone the last two mornings some dick has been hammering the bedroom wall and conveniently stops once i get out of bed wtf? guys i prefer your shitty guitar music!

see this was yesterday morning. the hammertime i was treated to this morning was far worse, harder, faster, louder BUT stopped the second i got out of bed. can’t wait to hear what tomorrow’s performance will be like!

woah i didn’t realize my roots were so light.

were lindsay lohan and i wrote to you and told you that you looked at me once before in real life (true story), would you write back?

what if i also told you i painted a picture of you?

oh man, i can pretty much file that one under NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

fuck, i should have followed it up with i have a card of this picture on my fridge (also true):

she at least straight away accepted my friend request on myspace and it was her real account this time, unlike the fifty other times i wrote to “her”.

Phil: she probably needs your friendship

me: well its not like 4895458745340

LINDSAY IF YOU ARE READING I SWEAR I AM NOT CRAZY AND I MEANT EVERY WORD IN THE COOLEST WAY POSSIBLE AND NO IT’S NOT BALONEY I ONLY SAID THAT TO MY BOYFRIEND TO SAVE FACE.

CON

i was just drinking some coke out of the bottle and the cap fell out of my hand and bounced off my second from the left little toe on my left foot and it actually fucking hurt. yes that’s right, a little plastic cap.

PRO

i was also attempting to swallow a vitamin D (cancer fighting power!) pill at the time (hence the coke chugging) and the pain startled me into swallowing the pill effortlessly in lieu of pill swallowing limbo i am typically stuck in where i stand there with my arms out trying to grasp at invisible tables (? i know) and the ratio of saliva to liquid in my mouth to direction of the sun and silence in the room etc must be just so before i have the courage to gulp it all down.

i over think shit, basically.

hello iamneurotic.com much?

i had issues learning to swallow pills as a kid. true embarrassing story. there is nothing more disgusting than a tablespoon of OJ and some mystery white powder mixture floating around in your mouth.

get ready for ten minutes of stupidity!

please don’t make fun of all the dumb things i say.

hi there i love your cooking videos you 2 come across well on camera..i work for the cooking department for the bbc here in england and we have a show coming up and would love to put your video in it..the show will be based on poultry could you do a video on how you cook and carve a turkey please let me know if you can do it thanks *******

i have never cooked a turkey before in my life, this is nuts.

ahhahahahaha

this guy is serious.