florida, i am barely 3 here and afraid of swimming and my brother is taking off with that thing and i’m holding on tight cos i wanted to float on it too. my brother was a selfish dick to me all the time. so, i threw some decorative rocks into the deep end of the pool my dad had to dive in and get then i locked myself in the poolside bathroom cos i was scared i’d get in trouble over it. didn’t.
my first kindergarten bf’s birthday party. that was my ballingest outfit at the time especially with ghetto braided crimped hair. that shirt has shoulder pads. i decided that backwards crossed suspenders would suffice and after an afternoon spent eating chips and playing pin the tail on the donkey my shorts could do whatever they felt like, no need to showcase the fluorescent green embellishment cos this party is DONE. it was also hard to have game when you are taller than every boy in your class, that lasted til grade 8.
in case our daughter goes missing, here, take this picture of a 60 year old man.
preschool, circle time made me nervous.
me exposing papa, i just couldn’t go with it, god kids, ugh!
another halarious afternoon was spent betwix shawn and lauren, jokes were shared and many laughs could be heard blocks away.
get a load of that homemade popsicle but jeez mom put some mascara on me, where are my eyes???
birth of the notorious point i am so big on.
dude right behind my head would later become my first serious boyfriend of 1.8 years.
those chicks are obvs stoked on being placed near me at the table what is that shit all over my face?
i asked my dad if he was baked in this picture. the answer is not known.
pointing at that present, that’s right, mine.
i’m pretty emo here, guess i didn’t really understand this whole winter thing.
performing for my great g-ma. see how i come by my short shorts affection honestly, thanks mom. holy babe much?
gross! already at it with my weird fingers folding over OCD tick.
a kid my mom used to sit for. check my fridge art.
i am so a cat right now.
no eye lashes, exactly why i glob that crap on.
another fantastic halloween get-up. my mom actually paid some woman to make those for us. uhhhhhhh…yes.
brother’s communion, my mom made us both pose by the cake this way, i was trying to force one of my loose front teeth out during it cos i was not vibing with the lord at all. the tooth came out during a group photo. burn.
still playing with it.
i remember this day well because we were obnoxious fucking monsters in these back to school clothes at my nana’s and by the time we left to go to my other grandparent’s house we were complete messes and totally hyper.
i have those tights again and that watch thing on my arm was an xmas gift from first kindergarten bf, it had lip balm in it, no watch.
weekend my dad’s folks sat for us, we were brats. my brother convinced them to let us watch robocop.
junior kindergarten graduation i am super nervous to be near the principal.
if you can figure out what it says on that box i will be forever grateful, i had almost everything in that series and it used to be a cartoon show i was obsessed with. cannot remember the name. MOON DREAMERS THANKS SAM!
that was the villain witch of the show, this doll glowed in the dark. we used her head in a game we played in my nana’s basement, my brother cousin and i. two would hide in the dark while someone came down the stairs holding the glowing head so we could see that person and while trying to find us we would throw toys and crap at that person. v fun and dangerous.
this is what i am opening in this picture!
80s toys were the best, so inspired by acid.
k sorry for the little derailment there, just a few more and i’m good
i am so sick of that costume.
loved that dress.
look at my pipes!
my brother was the cuter one.
see how much i hated having my picture taken, i felt so naked.
hahahahaha.
preschool teddy bear picnic.
montreal, nice ‘stache dad.
that’s mocha, sigh. this picture is very a christmas story. i remember feeling extremely stupid posing for it.
ha way to go drawing a widow’s peak on my brother’s forehead with blue make-up.
yeah, my wardrobe pretty much hasn’t skipped a beat since this period in my life. i felt dumb posing for this picture too. v insecure and shy when it came to pictures as a kid. obvs i got over it.
you are number 1, happy garbage, just wanted you to know it.
if only all garbage could be as happy as you are happy garbage, the world would be such a nicer place.
BYEZIES!
cid is not a happy garbage.
happy sunday!
don’t forget about this thing
i’m going to upload a video of probably my worst/best karaoke performance ever in a couple days to get you guys jazzed for this. tell me in comments or email if you plan to attend.
alicia was cast as the token whitey in a hip hop music video and they told her no arms above shoulders, that’s white girl moves, not allowed. these shots are for you, kid.
i’m sure matt will love this one he’s doing serious guy posing with babe face. look how much of a tranny i am in heels.
so last nite i got 3475943 pieces of cut-eye from yuppie white lady celeb groupies it was great. we went to this film fest party on the parking garage roof in yorkville, free booze and food that’s all that mattered. the drunker the women got the bitchier their facial expressions. waiting in line for the port-o-potties there’s 4 line-ups for the women only stalls, meaning no dudes, it doesn’t mean women can’t use the other four johns that no one is lining up at so i of course take the initiative and a cool chill wall of tsks and clucks are at my back as i walk to the “dude” toilets, leslie came over behind me immediately and said oh i can’t let you stand there alone those women are giving you the foulest looks right now. i said i know i’m so nervous you take the next toilet that opens do me a solid here please, then two open at once so i take one cos doofus guy is all after you to me yeah thanks guy can you not detect the pile of tension we are surrounded in right now? it wasn’t even worth it cos there was piss everywhere and i couldn’t even see and there wasn’t a mirror and of course when i got out of there a huge line of women waiting. what are you mad about? the fact that i thought of it first? really, you are mad at yourselves for being stupid and wasting your own time.
when we arrived there was this red carpet you had to walk and the hired photog nabbed the group of us for a picture and i am giving blazin’ hot stink-eye to these two women who are eyeing my stupid socks (GET OVER IT) and looking away, eyeing up down, look away chat whisper so i held my gaze on them until they got to my face and shook my head with my eyes like slits and then our picture was taken, for the next one i overdid open mouth happy face pose.
the only reason i wore what i wore is cos fuck, i’m going to be myself, i’m not going to don the same get-up as you boring rich clown nobodies just cos it’s film fest. newsflash, you all look the same and have the same useless boring conversations, you’re bitter and i’m just trying to get along.
sorry PMS over here.
this lady made me feel tons better about my tickle trunk outfit:
at one point leslie and i were making our way to the stage cos ronnie was ripped on scotch and talking really pervy about all the hot women and we wanted in on that but on our way there of course one drunk woman was like OH YEAH OH YEAH STAND HERE IN MY WAY like making it impossible for us to get by, she was like the chasm by which the entire traffic and flow of people had to pass duh so i say in my sweetest voice WE ARE TRYING TO GET BY YOU and she goes ‘oh’ in a tiny oops voice then goes back to dancing and swaying and clapping and witching about. hostile audiences are so cliche, like really first concert in 5 years? why not take a relax pill. so anyway we are at the front and ronnie didn’t say one fuckin’ pervy thing to us, everyone around us though, and only chicks 50 and up, didn’t want to disrupt the flock i guess. lesson learned. those birds buy his records.
now i will say some positive things about last nite, we had fun, we love our friends and they love us, it rained but that was alright cos between us we had two umbrellas and it didn’t pour just sprinkled, the bartender we favoured was drunk and queer (his words) and had the best one-liners and made our drinks ridiculously strong which is why i’m partying with a chill pill right now and some pepto on the couch, perfect way to greet the red tide. ugh.
abusive old guy next door just fired’er up again, i opened my door wearing only my towel, the yelling was even louder in the hall, i put my face up to the door and said really loud (practically yelled) STOP YELLING AT HER! then slammed my door. he was yelling at the time so i am not sure if they even heard me. i think he did. the yelling continued a little longer but now it’s over. i have the adrenaline shakes like mad i just put some clothes on so i’m ready for round two. i am prepared to face this geezer fuck makeup-free face and all. a door on our floor just opened and closed, sounded like someone left? now i have to wait a bit to leave. i know anyone else around on this floor totally heard me so now they can’t fucking pretend anymore that it’s not happening. there’s weird noises going on in the hall, moaning or something, ugh. i feel like i am going to faint. i hate that guy so much, every time the vacuum lady does our floor he waits for her and comes out to chat her up like he isn’t the hugest prick in the world.
the only thing stopping me from telling this guy off before was guilt over how much noise fil and i make when we have friends over or if we are fighting, which is stupid because when we fight we aren’t verbally abusing and screaming bloody murder at each other. we have normal fights if that makes sense.
i have a mini fantasy of kicking his door in and throwing cid at him.
oh fuck i do hear crying.
PLEASE be my imagination.
it isn’t.
here comes rambo.
ok it’s more or less quiet now thanks for tuning in.
me: i yelled at old guy next door thru the door
Phil: whoa crazy
me: yeah i feel tense!
Phil: no shit
me: it was bad yelling im sick of it i dont care what he thinks she does wrong, he is senile and abusive and crazy
Phil: yes
me: i almost wimped out and wrote a note and was going to tape it to the door like you are an extremely abusive man, stop yelling at your wife, it is disgusting.
Phil: you could still do it
me: next time now that i finally got over the fear of saying something i have zero tolerance
Phil: good
me: but it means that u and i cant fight anymore, unfortunately
Phil: oh no!!!!
me: we can write each other terse notes instead
Phil: sounds good
me: in pencil with lots of underlining and exclamation points
Phil: i will use red marker
me: i am going to copy the angry faces my french teacher used to draw
in other news i watched like 4 episodes of sweet sixteen last nite, i was a bit sad and moody to begin with, and with each passing episode i hated myself more and more but for some reason i still intend to watch the rest of the episodes. then i watched baby mama, it’s alright. steve martin’s character is my FAVOURITE though!
WOAH just got the craziest news! found out a family member who had MS for the last 6 years, turns out, actually doesn’t. so pumped!
