i pretty much do not like any university students ok well i like the first year ones that are very shy and insecure and polite and walk with their hands clasped behind their backs but the ones who do their grocery shopping the same time that i do are very annoying them and a million per cent of the rest of the population and yes i know i am crotchety and impatient but so what during summer you are like cool life is cool and then after labor day you are like oh yeah YOU GUYS AGAIN.

yesterday on our way back from the cottage we stopped in beaverton to eat at subway and the sandwich artist knew that i was cool and i was being nice and let her think that i thought she was cool too and then when we went to leave i experienced a random wave of friendliness and yelled out BYE to the entire restaurant and 1. no one said bye back 2. no one looked at me 3. i am a loser

and then i had a cigarette and half put it out and tossed it in a garbage can with four mean bees flying in and out of it and then i went back and poured some water in it cos i wasn’t sure if it was truly out and then the rest of the ride home i was like OK THAT ENTIRE PLAZA IS GOING TO BURN TO THE GROUND AND THE NEWSPAPER WRITE-UP WILL BE SOMETHING LIKE:

FUCKING LOSER SETS PARKING LOT ON FIRE COS NO ONE SAID BYE TO HER

ps if i make the effort to say bye or thanks when i leave your fast food chain you had better say bye to me like you are allowed to yell out bye or arigato when you leave japanese restaurants but in a plastic food chain establishment once you pay and eat, the relationship is null and void between you and the cashier?

anyway I HATE EVERYONE


ghostface cottage rap


ladytron cottage drive


kenny rogers’ jackass – madtv

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING ANNOYING

last nite outside the loose moose, we were there cos we went to a jays game anyway outside smoking and this complete douche of a university guy who thinks he is a really funny badass cos likely in his circle of loser friends he probably hears that he is SO FUNNY a lot anyway he is standing with a carlsberg pint glass on the sidewalk that was full and he is bragging to us that he just ran out on a 300 dollar tab from jack astor’s. !!! surely he was expecting a HEY WAIT TO GO FIGHT THE POWER from us but all i said was WELL THAT IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL and he’s all yeah well that’s what i do and then he starts talking about afghanistan and how he just signed up what are the odds anyway the only redeaming thing he did was share his beer with this homeless woman as we were walking away.

the more i think of this the angrier i get, i wish i took the beer and poured it on the sidewalk and said well since you didn’t pay for it it’s just as much mine as it is yours and then i would have walked the glass to the patio and screamed that some drunk asshole who ditched his bill is standing right over here, but i didn’t so i am a loser.

Subject : made up?

Dear Raymi,

I liked your friday bit on mascara. you gotta do some open mike to test the limits of your dry hilarity. I live in Ottawa now, it is a city in canada where peeps are either withered, luke warm or lava lampish. ill get used to it. better than the beaches. good night

shaun

May you stand sturdy on one leg and gaze towards the sunrise of a new and, actually, quite pleasant day

thank you for your email shaun
someone wrote that i should post a foto of me and my old mascara and then one of me wearing the new one but because i am a paranoid hermit i think they just want to make fun of me and say AHAH THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE CAKE FACE or something
ok bye -raymi

words i can’t stand

so all the little kids are back in the park wearing their brand new clothes and so far i have seen at least ten of them rolling around in the sand and fully biting it and the teacher/minders just stand there like haha your stupid fucking parents spent $300 on that outfit and probably $100 on the tiniest friggin pair of mini timberlands ahaha. i know that’s what i would be thinking.