Here’s a few jams and tales from the past whenever. I feel like every time spring is upon us there’s an uh why am I doing this, who am I, look at how warm it is out there, what’s the point of talking about some cheese I ate last nite again? collective internet moment. Then it passes and you’re like oh right, i’m awesome, time to churn out some more everything-insensitive humour.

nana and her giant beer, she copied me, asked if it were a shandy, newp just straight coors light. hey remember that week i was grounded (one day ask me what i was grounded for) and held captive at your house when i was 16 and there was a street dance and you let me get ripped on shandies? grounded ruled! (note the scratch tickets, nana’s got the gamble fever).

i love how my mom looks here, all 70s miami beachy.

cid and i having a moment.

there’s a pretty (please give me a new word for gay please, please?) nice video of this moment also an even funnier picture i accidentally overrode (saved) with a picture of stupid mario kart scores.

see? ugh. anyway i kicked ass and dave was doin’ pretty good until he had himself a funny cigarette.

so as previously mentioned the makeup i use has been discontinued and now they’ve hiked up the price of the remaining jars of it in shoppers, so i’m switching to liquid. i am notoriously known for wearing loads of makeup, and apparently all wrong at it too i just can’t bring myself to ever go makeup free cos the dark circles under my eyes are terrifyingly ugly, they’re like, ball sack red veiny-looking (most effective comparison i can think of no probs) thanks to my british ancestry. anyway, i never really learned how to properly paint my face and am interested in any makeup artist out there game for giving me a lesson and suggesting the best makeup to go with (preferably cheapest too) on the regular. i heard there’s this awesome makeup for car accident/burn victims too that’s good for day after a wicked bender fyi, don’t think i’m ready for that yet ha.

this

plus this

equals this.

cid loves steak nite.

we had a few different boxes going for him then it just got retarded so we pitched them with the rest of the recycling and now everything is back to normal with his envelope box that he will inevitably bust through which i totally hope to bear witness of.

during saturday’s buzz from across the room i found this to be real arty-looking, good thing i got 4 blurry pictures of it pfft.

this too spoke to me.

artist at work.

we barely made it through SNL (wasn’t JT great though).

mother’s day happiness.

pose deux.

little red raccoon friend showed up saturday for a little while and dave became very interested in his well-being much to the chagrin of fil (also sensitive about animals) so this guy disrupted each mario kart race a tad.

we’re sure he’s fine, just woke up a bit early.

here i am at my whitest sitting directly under a skylight.

sorry for the lack of err uh everything lately? been busy. last nite was the NXNE conference where-in i legendarily tie one the f on but not this year, thanks to twitter, this guy sat in a booth hunched over attempting to live-tweet the event but thanks to the internet provider being down, no one could get online so i had to use an iphone, a funked-up blackberry then fil’s once he finally turned up. if you know me i am not good with the change, i’m still using that free phone i got at least 3 years ago (big-ups mads!) and it sure as shit doesn’t connect to the internet.

thankfully i had the keynotes of the speech pre-printed out, brendan and i tag-team status updated the shit out of ‘em til we got through ‘em all then i finally got up after three+ hours and went to the bathroom where i stuffed the entire back of my stevie dress into my tights. i swear to god if that generous lady didn’t tell me about it before leaving the john on top of how sweaty on edge stressed i was feeling i’d have fucking exploded. she said wow you sure woulda made a lot of friends. ha ha.

inevitably (like last year) to kick us all out they force you to cash in all yer beer chips and then your table looks like this:

can we do this at a winery next year please?

last year the following day bunny turned up to spend my two day hangover with me. this year i’m feelin’ fine for se’ers.

in-part thanks to brosz7 who came to lend a hand. i got a god burn in on him last nite he’s like gill looked at me in the middle of talking and said you cut your hair i go yeah a home haircut he goes shut up it was my first time i blart out IT SHOWS!

zing.

we all turn into our parents someday.

hi KR!

girl time. they all went to watusi. jeals.

nostalgic shot for my bro.

rowan has no recollection of dancing with me last year.

brendan is a champ.

andy and some athAletes.

babysitting fee is $10 an hour or, beer chips. rowan copied my hello kitty mousepad then we had a serious discush regarding HK, super dupes serious. here and here.

fighting with 16 year olds on the internet

we drink nag drinks now which = white wine + ice cubes haha.

dude pass the ketamine.

bunny is coming.

may my first pair of skinny jeans rest in p-ieces ahha oh punny i have to tell that one to my dad.

broszkowski and i were dancing and i hear RAYMI RAYMI and ignore it cos fil says i am narcissistic and imagine all the time that people are looking at me or screaming my name, turns out i was right!

i bumped into an ex-fling last nite and he reminded me about the time we went to see the get up kids and i screamed out to the opening act HEY REGGIE LETS FUUUUCK! just as they were getting into their next song and they stopped playing it distracted them so much.

and my pants fall down the entire time, ah yeah, ma hips don’t lie.

no one even noticed i drew that on but open an umbrella inside a bar at last call and ten million people come up and tell you to close it you’ll hex the entire bar

the dance face respect it.

my friend says it isn’t racist because it isn’t a negative thing, yes it’s a generalization and stereotype but does it make you racist to point out the obvious like while we were discussing this my polish friend was also simultaneously vacuuming his ceiling.

crappy picture taken during yesterday’s downpour, looks like she chose the wrong day to wear a white shirt.

had dinner with my dad yesterday i could tell he was somewhat embarrassed by my outfit ha.

still have that apostle of hustle shirt ha.

back to black.

my ridiculously important opinions concerning the movie JUNO.

fun for the whole family (not really).

what is up classy bitches?

i remember that hangover well.

that shirt was so fresh.

cid vs the dishwasher

mother’s day presents.

like clearly it is a goddamn tree and don’t talk to me annex!

skjgweu;oghweghsodbnsdl;

KIDDING i meant slit my wrists.

many wonderful comments in below that vid.

ALICIA’S MARIJUANA TEXT:

this video has been viewed 41,278 times.

more nola

lets look at the nite backwards

i stared into the universe and the universe stared back. woahness.

new look please advise.

i ate a sausage before they were “officially” serving dinner and got told off by the help and then this dude sees me coming up the stairs with it and says where did you get that so i show him the spread downstairs and say you will not believe your eyes when you see it and then he gets in trouble too stuffing a hamburger in his mouth pretending to be mournful about it going oh i’m so sorry shove stuff stuff chew chew swallow really truly terribly sorry chew chew swallow, it was funny.

more from the funny farm

happy mother’s day!

welcome to my update

you do realize that the way the media worded that was to get ratings right and that arnold schwarzenegger movie was A MOVIE and that it is not possible to get a dude pregnant and that “dude” was a chick WITH TITS AND FEMALE ORGANS and maybe you should spend less time reading the bible and more time reading a science text book.

GOOD LUCK!

the way the sun is hitting the trees right now i want to launch myself off the balcony into them and hug and hold on tight

we were discussing how old we were when we first started talking on the phone to our friends, fil said he was like 2 (yeah right) i said oh really and what the hell did you talk about? mud.

notorious nxne conference hangover this time i have to be on better behavior. that hangover lasted two fucking days!

bunny got to spend my hangover with me.

how to make lemonade like a pro-star (that’s me).

ok more of this ginger kid.

another day in the life of awesome.

dan deacon’s mushroom gauntlet experience.

i am ashamed at how not close to finished this thing still is.

alright i got shit to do this’ll have to be a two-parter xoxo.

there was more but fil got bossy about them so i will have to fight him on them later.

fully under-dressed, so stupid. tanning yesterday made my weather perception a little skewed. more like way. also one should always note the island’s temp is likely five degrees cooler than the mainland. oh look at me all hoity-toity “mainland” haha shut up lets get on with it.

we love to rip on the weird white people who live on the island but are secretly so fucking jealous of them. they all know each other and chat their balls off on the ferry over with their ratty bikes stocked to the tits with groceries, bold sense of entitlement I WANT THAT FEELING. we are seriously considering renting a B&B sometime over the summer. this year i mean it. and i’m not wearing shoes.

so it’s funny the only people who visit the island can be categorized as the following: weird white people, tourists of all nationality/race, funny lookin’ europeans (chicks in high heels wtf) and art students/hipsters (whom also fall under the weird white people category) don’t care how offensive that sounds, it’s the truth. sorry for like, having eyes man. *sidenote i may have some regrets later on. *regrets not guaranteed.

we took a different route this time in the hopes of outsmarting the biting wind and happened upon this madness.

oh look it’s me falling into “the pose” big surprise much.

one more for the road. fil got a slew of massive nip-on shots. wild.

when we left the condo i was like oh, kinda chilly eh but we’ve gone too far, lets keep going. meanwhile we were only downstairs in the lobby ha. fuckin’ lazy ass.

discovered sleepy hollow hidden hangout and hung for a few, it was warmer in there.

then i took a hundred pictures of myself. yes yeah i’m vain, i love vanity, i love other people’s vanity in fact i fucking admire it but anyway, when left to my own devices while fil is off shooting pictures of twigs and dirt a girl’s gotta entertain herself somehow yeah?

now this angle.

is my bun too pointy?

out came the fireball to warm things up a bit.

i’m somewhat freezing my hands and feet off here, later on i was so cold my hands clenched up into fists and i could barely open them. fil had to give me his socks even.

shit’s goin’ ocad.

ok fine sorry.

pan’s labyrinth.

my bangs were funny to me at the time. so aren’t right now.

so artistic can’t possibly stand it.

remember this stupid pose for some reason it caught on yeah sorry about that ha ha.

oh shit here we go.

fil‘s pictures are way better but he’s too busy playing motorcycles with dave down in the garage right now.

snack attack. oh man speaking of gotta get through this dominoes just arrived.

COLD.

fil got artier ones of these guys.

so cold look at my clenched fists.

hippie socks time who’s in the mood for watching singles? turn up the pearl jam dude.

like brushing a tumbleweed.

this is what a winner looks like.

very true. super hysterical to me at the time and still is. i’m all get it? BECAUSE people put their opinions on bathroom walls hyuck hyuck. (fuck you)

icing on the fucking cake we got back just in time for the dane cook audience to barf out of the ACC into union station what a bunch of douches. check the one givin’ me cut eye oh whatever purple shirt you don’t see me giving you cut eye for buying a ticket to see dane cook (and i was trying to get a shot of the crowd and no one in particular you egomaniac). here’s a riddle how do you fill the ACC with every white kid from the GTA? get dane cook.

totally forgot we had planned to get off at osgoode to head to matt’s.

he gave himself a home haircut.

nice.

what a view.

oh hi there.

so plowed.

then matt made us watch a bunch of weird videos. one of which was a 70s polish cartoon with nudity in it that totally blew my mind but is typical of those polacks and matt kept telling me to shut up every time a tit cam on the screen cos i was all WHAA OMG. i forget the name of it and so does fil cos he was completely blasted. matt even commented when we left on how he has never seen fil so gone before (likely cos matt is usually ten times more destroyed).

i guess i thought i looked skinny despite annihilating a big bag of ketchup chips and that’s a wrap.

lookin’ good allison. coincidentally the girl behind you i awkwardly sat with for a bit, she came alone as well (gill took FOREVER to get her as down thanks) her bf bought her ticket cos he rides. funny thing 1 i totally clued out that it was a ladies nite only event and 2 there could/would be biker enthusiasts there i dunno what i was thinking, i wasn’t, clearly. so basically i had zero relevant conversation prepared and thank god fil has a bike, albeit a triumph not a harley and i haven’t been on it in ages.

very decked out.

doin’ my room sweep.

loads of food. traci wisely pointed out it’s a women’s event, of course there’s going to be a ton of food. even so, i asked allison if i needed to eat beforehand cos you never know with these things. i had a boiled egg is the answer to your question.

three vats of! pad thai, stir fried rice, and something else i forget.

make your own jewelry station.

hair/make-up station.

sex station ha i mean torture station.

learn to lift a harley station. i was too pussy to try it and by the time i wanted to the horny mob of women with shirtless models had taken over the stage.

i said to one woman so it’s like tipping a cow? yeah i know, i’m awesome.

gibson represent. obvious pink theme a-foot here (breast cancer charity). bumped into tina and she said to amanda get out of the line of fire raymi’s here (with camera) ha ha.

SHOW US YOUR TITS! (kidding)(sort of).

seconds before she swung the pole. kidding again jeez.

then things got weird. reverse exploitation! also the photographer dudes (who let them in couldn’t find chicks?) were super pushy and blocked everyone’s view (not that i was looking, i mean, this was purely a work assignment ok)(pfft).

oh whatever, fil’s taken photos of playboy models and for what, they weren’t holding guitars.

guy not wearing cowboy hat must have taken some deeply intense eye contact lesson or something because he held that gaze all nite long but never actually made any direct eye contact (with me at least) sort of like look present but transport your mind out of body for the next few hours for self-preservation or something.

i have a video of the women swooping in, pretty funny.

finally one chick gets the courage to pose and then EVERYONE follows suit. took the chest spray painter all damn nite to finish the harley logo.

what was that again oh yeah, self-preservation break, right.

went through my drink tickets needing to lubricate some more to deal, gill still hasn’t shown.

slightly less cheesy than the print out version?

god can you imagine if i dropped that thing. i’d just leave. humiliating.

photo station.

traci and her sprouse bag (thanks for the in jamie she’s a super fan).

made it inside in time to catch this amazing performance as previously blogged.

adorable mini shake that’s actually mousse. eating that thing was no small feat, first i went at it beej styles and hoovered what i could then was forced to just dig it all out with my finger.

horny mob.

nice root fade ugh ha. fil digs it and that’s all that matters yeah? at this station you were to pick two different jackets and if the tags matched up harley and davidson each, you won a $50 gift certificate. i lost. so did gill. tina won.

my first choice i got harley, thinkin’ i have it in the bag. not the case. their trick was having more harleys than davidsons.

first nite out in my new kicks. loving them.

gill and her tiny little friend.

door prize/raffle time – i didn’t win.

then this guy was brought out!

the expression on that woman’s face pretty much sums it up exactly. i had like ten mini rice crispies omg so good. i was looking for bananas, they didn’t have ‘em.

i took her picture because she said i looked like sofia coppola and that i must get that a lot. actually, first time. anyway, an actual babe complimented me, awwright. in hindsight i wonder if it was a come on so i would get a massage from her station? i have no clue when it comes to being hit on i am pretty stupid in that dept. to be honest and you can imagine how many times it happened this nite (biker event, ladies only, think about it) and how full of shit i must have come across. i still stumble over saying my fiancé when referring to fil in lieu of boyfriend so by then woman chatting me up is like oh please ya big dyke nice try meanwhile my mullet-like bangs and leather jacket at motorcycle event is doin’ all the talking.

finally the logos are complete.

jill barber’s second performance. her dress is to-die-for, voice too.

ok bai happy friday time for a free tan on the balcony i didn’t realize it was so hot!

here i am doing stuff.

photos by the ever lovely dinklor.

i have an appt in the burbs today derno if i’ll be able to get another post up before i have to dash out. heated discush in the comments in the post below this one if yer bored. obvs i have more to say on the matter but it’ll have to wait.