sass’ roommate is hilarious he’s constantly talking like a dirty old man and in his funny accent too, “my harem is growing and now i have TWO game consoles” and “there’s half naked women walking around constantly” and “my girlfriend is like a mistress, a wife, a girlfriend all in one” haha he’s austrian and i called him gunther accidentally cos i worked with one once. his name is similar to gunther. there was a lighter crisis yesterday morning during my hangover i got up and out of the fog and delivered one and am now considered angel house guest. i love people who talk as much if not more than i do and just utter nonsense at that. anyway going back to the ‘burbs later today to sort out my ish. waiting on guy to vacate room before i can get my crap in there. it’s a v spacious room with wrap-around windows. the house is like a labyrinth all these doors and passageways, awesome dark wood features kinda reminds me of an old brooklyn brownstone i used to know.

awkward face posing in front of everyone in the living room.

pig ear salad. coating tastes exactly like kfc chicken skin. fabulous. i could eat a pile of that and would if it were placed before me.

sass has been spoiling me with delicious meals since i touched down. have been eating like a little princess.

yum.

i love you too luke.

last nite’s course of action was to scour the city for rich husbands. well, rich guys (for a joke relax pants!) howevs, rich dudes tend to be d-bags so we were forced to head directly into the belly of the beast what is doucheland to find these treasures. one walk along king west a collective fuck that was made, turn about face back in the other direction to spadina then up to czehoski’s for a primer. i am not paying cover to immerse myself in cascades of rank people in ankle-length london fog jackets just to be ironic about it. YOU should be paying ME to swirl through the room and make everyone feel better about themselves. one door guy was all hey what’s ten dollars? uh buddy, a lot, considering the faux medieval times flames billowing oh so knightly by the useless red carpet out front. i know what’s just behind those doors and i don’t like it. you want to fill the room with loose girls? charging them cover is not the way to do it.

shall we begin?

douchebags were here and for the record i hate the term douchebag so if you know of a better name let me know but what’s more, they cannot even commit to their d-bag constitutions. uh guys you forgot your nausea-inducing penis wands! i’ve never seen black cigars. hyper-douchey.

introduced mer to the czehoski liquid salad which is hendrick’s gin, tonic and lots of cucumber slices. tonic is too sweet for me but i had one too anyway for old time’s sake.

sat by a group of guys who steph reeled in on the spot. the rest were not for us so we tried to be as disgusting as possible. sass was not feeling that. sorry i’ve been in the isolated suburban wilderness for a long time it was my intention to be anti-peen to help steph’s game as much as poss. not that it required any aid but you know, i love to laugh.

i did this to my hair a lot. i am never curling it again until it sorts itself out. it’s drying, on its way to straight town presently so it should be good. looking better. bought some anti-brass condish.

magic pony has another gallery space beside czehoski. i believe tania is the mistressmind behind these darling shrooms.

douche target bullseye: the paddock. rich trust fund kid (our age) nite. it was a scene for certain. out of control. i put this lamp on these people’s jackets cos they threw their shit in the corner and knocked it over. i just love decorating!

preg’rexic impression. i think i would be great inspiration for a pixar-animated ant-type character. or a grasshopper. maybe a praying mantis. every time i start thinking of insect-comparison jokes i remember the time my mom referred to the teenage mutant ninja turtles as the teenage mutant ninja ants HAHAHAHHAA. i laughed my head off about it for days.

try and keep a tally of bird sightings

trying to blend. sass looks amazing.

boring rich white chicks. now before you admonish my wealth-hatin’ let me say this. rich people born with silverspoons in their mouths made it so they never had to develop personalities. they’re arrogant (generally) so they don’t think trying is necessary. yuh-awn i can barely get through this paragraph about them even.

white girl dance moves arms raised no-no. we just love it and can’t help it we feel the music and it’s like ahhhh ceiling i have to let you know about this. this one was especially for me though, my flash got them going.

steph laughing ass off about it. that chick’s cardi looks amazing wish i saw the front.

i may have lost my temper at points. some of the people were truuuly awful and insatiably rude. we knew there was no love to be found so we got mangled and shitty, also known as “giving” and “er”. there was a dance throw-down.

the smiler look out she inches up behind you in the bar and has weedbreaf.

exactly.

mess.

REVENGE!

TAKE IT SLUT!

whenever somebody yawns, rush up to them quick and pretend you are holding a trowel. or a big juicy penis.

cali has turned this girl into a doper.

the one hitter has been such a hit. raymi’s guide to making temporary friends. also a great way to increase your lighter collection.

nice to know the girls didn’t skip a beat while we were out front.

these guys were blasticated and encroaching upon our territory.

and the reddest guy i have ever seen.

uhm yeah.

move bitch i’m trying to fox-trot.

orgasm face! this would be a good photo for a call girl ad. SEE THE RESULTS FROM ONE SATISFIED CUSTOMER! he looks like his prostate is being milked.

then went to eat our feelings at sneaky disease.

late nite scene there is good i’d forgotten all about it. everyone’s trashed and singing along to tunes waving their arms in the air it was nice to be among our kind.

BYE THANK YOU FOR LISTENING YOU ARE SUCH GOOD LISTENERS!

experience the point.

balloons make any outfit look amazing. especially one that already is.

and then she changes into some money pants.

happy birthday aliciakins! you are oh so lovely and deserve all the spoilings that come your way. lookin’ great twenty-eight! xoxo.

my hair is way too yellow. bought some crazy purple condish to anti-brass it. hair lady says i can’t go as white/blond as i want cos i don’t have greys it will frazzle my hair. whatever i’m going back to my old girl asap. oh i lost my bank card. first time ever in my life. AND i got the job. training starts next week. goin’ out for brunch with mother asss now then checkin’ out pdale pad. xoxo.

i’m at the salon right now with gobs of dye on my scalp and it’s itching and burning like craaazy gahhhhh ughhhhhhhh i’m scratching at it with the end of a comb. i had a one-hit on my way in and that was fuckin’ interesting haha some old lady was here and apparently i was to “know” who she is? so i played along. while baked. i hope my hair doesn’t turn out as brassy this time.

tonite i am going out to my first big girl party in aaages i am stoked for. i don’t even care what i’m going to wear i haven’t been social in forever. and i might have a bartending gig lined up too i love talking about things before they’re finalized but if it happens you have to come drink and watch me work at the wrap-around bar. checking out new pad tomorrow. funny cos it’s lucasaids/melodie’s place in parkdale. if you know the history, lucas and i were roommates many years ago. we’re all grown up now so this time it won’t go to shit. the room doesn’t have a closet though so i’ll have to get multiple clothing racks. big room apparently too. i’m super jazzed. i tried really hard to make burlington happen but the novelty wore off. dave is movin’ to the ham for a change of scenery also.

i am way less miserable now. go life!

ok this shit is burning off my makeup gotta go.

do you remember when i said i think i am dyslexic now? duh obvi you do. anyway i only collected four dyslexic fuck-ups. there’s been loads more but what can ya do? here they are, don’t be so jealous all the time ok?

foten = often

adicated = addicted

repdict = predict

witnessing = waitressing

gonig for going is a big one, as well as any word with ‘ing’ in it.

please do share your frequent mistypes with me. there’s a good lad.

hey raymi

sophie

hi sophie (one of my favourite names)

i really like your usage of cosmo.com-y very very nice

i have never tried acid you are quite brave and stupid for going there. your email made sense so i don’t think you’ll have lasting effects. some people never come back from it though so i’d hazard against more of that in the future.

i got to where i am by kinda going to the beat of my own drum and blowing in the wind. opportunities present themselves along the way and you either take them or don’t. if you have a bad feeling about poetry snobs then maybe it’s not for you. i was coincidentally just considering blogging things i thought in the shower in the exact manner in which i think them, kinda poetry. kind of obnoxious too but who cares. poetry is probably the hardest way to make it in the writing world. you only make it once you’re dead. or if you’re an old white eccentric man.

the internet is a wonderful way to get what you want out of life, thats what i did. my laptop is my car. and so on.

you’ll figure it out soon enough.

write anytime xo your pal raymi

i am going to blog this too because i am a blogortunist.