Dear Raymi,

This is an early valentine for you cause you’re probably the coolest chick

ever.

You have most dudes by the balls, most girls by the heart and fucking

everyone by their tongues.

Please don’t stop writing.

Much love,

Maggie

thanks maggie. that was the best valentine because it was a picture of some nerdy guy on a hospital bed having his heart examined by a boring-looking nurse-woman and the expression on his face is like, sigh. i am too lazy/hungry to upload it so for now it is for me and me alone.

yo. i ordered some things from magic pony and they threw in a blythe doll for me for xmas and i called fil and i said i opened the package and they threw in a blythe and he is like WHY?! and i said BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME! fucking right!

i gave that other little blythe to my neice (once the big-sized one that wilheim got me arrived) who probably forgot all about her and she is in the garbage now, who knows, anyway, now i have a different-looking little sized blythe doll. she has short orange hair and orange eyes, kinda reminds me of melting dolls and also makes me want to cut off all of my hair. and she has all these hipster clothes and spectacles and has a pop-up world book where she is an artist and has a beret hipster hat and i feel like vomitting she is so cute.

VOMIT!

so get ready for more tiny-blythe pictures.

oh and for last minute xmas gifts walk your stupid ass on over to magic pony and say hi to kristin and steve and say raymi sent you and then you can all hug and stand around being socially awkward and then you buy something because you feel obligated and shy and then you go home and write about it in your journal and gush about how an inanimate object could possibly bring so much joy that you are keeping it for yourself and your cousin larry can just go fuck hisself this year.

that piss-ant.

rent king arthur if you haven’t yet seen it. the lead dude is a hunk. and that chick what uses a bowstaff is hot city and she was only eighteen when they filmed the film but ‘cos she has an accent she might pass for 23 24 25 whatever.

wait oh yeh it’s christmas soon.

uh.

enjoy.

dear snow

hi, we got a lot of you last nite and when we were walking to the beer store i picked you up and threw you in fil’s face and he couldn’t do anything about it because he was carrying a 12-pack with both hands and the sidewalk was all slippery and i only did it because he kept tripping me the whole way to the movie store and back and so i finally snapped though too bad it wasn’t packing snow because it just sprinkled all over his head instead of his face and he was wearing a hat even so it was like nothing.

ps. i taught myself the napoleon dynamite dance so this means i am 1 notch cooler or so.

bye snow.

I just got off the phone with my mom.

Did you know she reads my blog?

“I saw something on your blog,” she said. “It’s in the comments. I

don’t know if it’s a remnant of something…I don’t know what it is,

but I don’t think it belongs there. I think it’s a mistake. I just

thought you should know. You might want to get rid of it.”

When I finally figured out what she was talking about, it was this:

and they also have to realise you have an erection the entire time

because u are always talking to 18 years olds with fucked accents who

are babes

raymi | Email | Homepage | 12.19.04 – 11:17 pm | #

“Oh. no, ma, that’s not a mistake. That’s from raymi.”

“I thought it was from raymi, but I couldn’t be sure. (t freaks me out

that she even knows who you are) I just didn’t know if you wanted that

on your site. It looks like a mistake. It didn’t make any sense.”

“Of course I want it on my site. Raymi’s my friend. And it makes total

sense. You just don’t understand her train of thought, that’s all.”

“I think she’s in love with you.”

“What are you talking about. Ma? She’s not in love with me.”

“Well, how do you know?”

“‘Cause, I know. For one thing, she has a boyfriend, second of all, she

lives in Toronto. There are lots of reasons.”

“Oh. Okay, well…”

“Maybe you shouldn’t read my blog anymore.”

“But I enjoy it.”

Ooophffaaa

xo

Jamie

i got tony’s book yesterday and i took it to my crazy doctor appointment and it sat there across from me on the other chair while i talked about things that made me angry and then i took it to the bar and showed it to adan and i went thru it to look at all the parts that had my name in it and i am like see THERE right THERE

ME!

fuck yeh.

thanks tony. you are a big pile of amazing.

and you know what? out of all the bloggers who suck your dick now, i found you first and linked you first, well after i emailed you a hundred years ago and then you linked me and now everyone knows about me/you.

i discovered your loser-ass and now i own you.

ps you are gay.

and everyone else should buy his book because it creates more blogger awareness and such and makes tony feel better about life and then more girls will crawl thru his back screen door and then he can write about it like he’s bukowski forever and ever and ever.

hi Raymi,

love,

fred

this is remy. remy is fucking awesome because her name is kind of like raymi. she’s a crabby bitch that bosses around the three other dogs in the house and they are all like whatever, shut up. remy is the mom of sophie and ollie. max is the fourth dog but not the father of sophie and ollie. ollie is kind of retarded and sophie is a smaller version of ollie although they were born at the same time, ollie is bigger. and they look nothing like remy. sophie was my favorite at first because she is the littlest and cutest and if you throw her a tennis ball or a little rope-thing she comes back over and over and over and over again and you feel all special because this cute little thing is around you all the time and you think, man, all animals love me i am the ultimate animal super action hero but then after your fifth visit you are like OH MY GAWD HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED ME TO THROW YOU YOUR TENNIS BALL!??!

#%@$#%@#@$%@%#$!

and you realise that everything that annoys you about the add dog is what annoys you about yourself so then you are not allowed to be annoyed but you still are because sophie is looking at you and nudging the ball at you and growls when you give her cut-eye so you take the tennis ball and try and chuck it far far far far away and hope that it lands in a closet or in someone’s jacket and sophie disappears for a little while and you can get back to watching that pbs special but then

lo and behold, sophie comes back and you are like, ARG.

but because she is so cute you put up with it.

if she were one of those ugly dogs, suffice it to say, you’d be like, screw off, throw your own damn ball.

nah.

so yeh, sophie was my favorite but now it is a tie between her and remy because remy just sits in the same spot on the couch and acts like queen shit and everbody accomodates her and she has a shivery cute anxiety attack when it smells like burning from the kitchen because she thinks the fire alarm will go off and she is terrified of it and then everyone goes awwwwwwww and we all try and hug her at the same time and then we look around at each other and feel all gay over this dog.

and then we leave.

the end.