i filled up on crazy pills yesterday finally, i was getting a little dizzy-weakling-crankysaurus there and i also got some special cream for the weird thing growing on my back. there’s just oodles and oodles of things wrong with me. fun! i bought some pocahontas-like boots and they’re a tiny bit small so i have blisters on my heels but whatever on that because i am like so totally vibing with style now! i dreamt last nite that i got in a bar fight with some trashy slut who said i talked shit about her on my blog and i said no way jose, you isn’t even worth writin’ about and then she lunged at me and i popped her in the eye and my voice turned into arnold’s in T2 and i said NOW THAT EES WOOOORTH WRITEENG ABOWT!

there are maybe eight sketchy cats that live next door and hang out in the yard and bushes and fence and one is siamese and i wanted to pick it up and hug it but it looked really fucking dirty and mangy and would probably give me cat aids or something so i didn’t. all of the cats look like they’ve been hit on the head and their jaws are fucked up but still they’re cute and kind of slow which turns me into down syndrome cat demander when i see them.

i slept with my left hand in a fist and my index finger pointing all nite long and when i woke up it felt like i had only one finger oh and i also ran out of crazzy pills yesterday so the next couple days including today should be rather interesting. going to toronto soon where i left all of my money and stopping off at noel’s first so now i don’t have to take the streetcar which means i can totally spend that 2 dollars and twenty-five cents right now!

i dreamt that i had a crush on this totally nerdy jewish kid who was kicked out of high school and i walked all the way there in the rain and walked past all the cool kids and told him that i loved him and so we gathered up all of his clothes and he drew an anarchy sign on his shirt with a tube of wasabi. fucking genius.

last nite was the inaugural meeting of the retardedly drunk and stupid dart club and luckily nobody was injured. quote of the evening, “i crapped my bathing suit once.” fil made me smash my pint to the floor. i tripped over the carpet many a time. sean was probably the worst at dart throwing though he is very good at hitting 3, 7, and some other number i forget but you don’t need. i took photos of these broads who thought they were the O.C. and they gave me a look and i said OH YOU’RE PRETTY and they started posing and smiling and i didn’t take pictures of them anymore. burn.

i saw two morons talking to each other on their cell phones not realising they were just around the corner from one another.

“Hey what do you have to do tomorrow i can’t hear you.”

“I’M WORKING.”

“You’re working??!?”

“YES! BUT I’M GOING BY DWAYNE’S FIRST.”

“OK I’LL STOP BY THERE TOO.”

this town is full of smart people.

tonite is the survivor finale.

i’m sorry if i got everyone mad over the shitty blog post. it’s not my fault that i am the best. byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

HOW TO HAVE A SHITTY BLOG

1. make sure that everything you write is vapid and unintelligible and redundant.

2. make it obvious that you are ripping off other bloggers and that you are trying to always one-up them with your witty banter and personal stories that nobody cares about and you wonder why it’s not working for you, this is because you exclude writing from an objective vantage point oh and ps you’re fucking boring.

3. when something big happens in the world, DON’T WRITE ABOUT IT. remember when hunter s. thompson shot himself and how every fucking blog you went to had the same na na na he meant so much to me na na na NA crap like they knew the guy personally and it was one big circle jerk competition of who could write the longest tribute like they were his brother, wasn’t that annoying? fuck that, you are a moron douche bag who has a two month old blog, you don’t know anything about anything so fuck off.

4. if you want to look like a desperate piece of shit blog then link everybody who so much as whispers in your direction. linking and blog politics in general have got to stop, this groupie blog culture is retarded which brings me to my next point.

5. just because you have a blog and you meet some kid from the internet and then THEY start a blog, this does not make them more interesting and it sure as shit does not make you more interesting either and it also doesn’t make you BEST FRIENDS ps. nobody cares who you have met in real life and therefore listing who you know in real life on your blogroll makes you about as cool as the smell of hot garbage, fag.

6. post pictures of your face a lot. here’s a fun thing to do, go through your archives and see how many photos you have of your stupid face, doing the same pose and holding the camera the exact same way and then read what you’ve written, same. old. crap.

7. do not lend insight or have any depth whatsoever in what you write and always state the obvious, write about things like you are the only person in the world who knows about them and go into great detail about everything you do, every place you go and so on because your readers are stupid and have never ever been to a wal-mart before and they don’t know what double-dutch is because you are a fucking genius and we are not.

8. when you write about going to a show, write like you discovered the band and you are all best friends, people love that because name-dropping never gets tired and also the mostest most bestest part is an intricately detailed account of the conversation you had with famous whoever the fuck.

9. be arrogant.

10. when you’re being unoriginal, act otherwise.

that’s all i can think of for now.

i gave phil a haircut last nite and he doesn’t like it. why, i dunno. well i do know actually. it looks sort of like the one robert deniro gives himself in taxi driver right before he goes completely fucking crazy except there’s maybe 5mm of hair on either side of the hawk-stripe and not just scalp. at first it looked amazing but then some mis-communication was had and it turned out the way it did which is a shame because there’s a formal function tonite/tomorrow.

sorry.

the sole of my old man shoe of the right foot is partially loose and has been that way for a long time and i have yet to do anything about it other than collecting cat hairs and cobwebs and dust fluffs and by the time i leave the apartment to go outside there is a gigantic sculpture of crap sticking out of the front of my shoe and it’s the closest thing to vacuuming the place ever receives.

ps. i just burned part of my forehead with the hair iron and it feels GREAT!