how to be an internet superstar
HERE’S MY STAND-UP SET PT. II. WARNING. LIKELY VERY GRAPHIC VIOLENT OFFENSIVE AND DIRTY. READ AT OWN RISK IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT IF YOU GET PISSED. IF YOU MISSED PT I IT’S RIGHT HERE.
Do you guys wanna hear about my date with Jian Ghomeshi?
How do you like this joke I came up with? Babe? Are you Bill Cosbying my mouth right now?
Grounds for killing your friend. When you’re like am I seeing you later? And they’re like, what’s later?
One time I gave all these empties to our regular collector of them and so now he comes often cos of the treasure trove of bottles he got out of it like it’s his secret treasure pot of stoli bottles. Today i saw him and he got spooked before checking the dumpsters. I felt bad. Also cos I was drinking a screwdriver at the time we made eye contact, bringing it to my lips. I felt like a pompous asshole to the degree of bad karma will one day get to me and he will be staring me down from a fancy martini glass which is why I gave him all those empties that one time, for good karma points. There but for the grace of god go I. You can be out on your ass just like that, you could lose it all. I know a lot of superstitious people who give change to bums for this very reason. They have a life of petty theft behind them and being jerks in general so it’s like good fortune to give some quarters to that samurai wizard on college street. Or the glue sniffing hipster.
I don’t know why but every time a famous celebrity OD’s Im always in the middle of a bender and like AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Btw one of the other celebrities I booked for tonight was MYSELF. Yeah. MTV replays my shit all the time. weirdos
So the last time I had an anniversary party was 5 years ago for my 10 year milestoner.
Bill murray fans? U know in life aquatic when he tells the old man to just plagiarize the rest of his signatures on the zissou movie posters? Yeah im like that just copy my signature on a book you bought from me and say that i said you could do that. I gave you permission to sign my name so when i die you can say raymi the minx let you forge her signature and therefore the item is even more valuable. The other day on a blog post of mine a guy asked if i was selling prints, which was ludicrous to me cos you can just print that shit out on your own. Like, add yourself to my flickr friends list but get in my face about it so I know that u did cos i have blinders for that platform as in I have 1000000 unread messages from perverts and threesomes, shame really i just don’t have the time anymore for dick pics but anyway then u have access to the full size of my pics. Print it out yourself! I aint got time for that. How much money do I stand to even make? 2 dollars? For all that work. IF I am about to go and make a print for you I am pricing it at $1000 just because you made me angry and like, do something.
Its sad when ex boyfriends twitter accounts go private, how am i going to snicker at their dismal pathetic dating lives now? Or read in between the lines of subtweets and interpret silences as the sad pathetic benders that they are most definitely on. Lame.
All i did to write this comedy material today was barf this all into a word document instead of tweeting every single thought i normally have. It was simple. If i just did stand up everyday instead of touched the internet I would be so much for successful. The internet is the tool of the lazy, the housewife, kids on tumblr.
So this dope im seeing isn’t a misser, he doesn’t miss me when we are apart. He doesn’t blurt out “I miss you”. Now thats a problem. For someone like me. That is a spectacular problem. Im like bro, you know how many people miss me? LOTS. EVERYONE MISSES ME.
I also lost it on him the other day for telling one of my jokes and not sourcing me on it. Unbelievable. Social injustice!
So I would have prepared more material but i had a bite or two of this edible, this chocolate weed coin the other day and then I was like woaaaaaaaaaah mystical internet adventure time. Probably what james franco and seth rogan do every day. Yes unicorns were there. Someone probably said right meow.
Sometimes I get high because I think it will make me funnier or i justify it being to stimulate my mind and creativity but mostly its for shutting out the world and yeah for the most part id say it pays off and makes me funnier though id say im at my most funniest when im hungover riding on drunk-still fumes and I was only ever consistently like that likely during my glory blogging days and looking back I have not a fucking clue as to how I was able to function let alone write a blog. It’s a beeracle. AND I didn’t even smoke weed during that period too! Funny how the best blog writing I ever did was when I wasn’t smoking pot. Interesting. Now it’s probably like only because it’s the only way I know how to function anymore because everything in the world sucks and I can’t handle reality and everything bores me I have acute super fucking boredom syndrome have you heard of it? It is also applicable to people you fuck, which is probably why I always seek out fruit loops and made dating a sport. I watched my last stand-up set and was blown away by the stories I told last November and not a ONE of them was relevant or applicable to today. Im not dating a dutch guy or living in Holland or working for an advertising agency anymore. The only constant is my snoop bloggy blog. But thats cool. Someone here will give me a hundred bucks for a shoelace I bet im like john holmes on the come down haah.
Speaking of dating I went on the craziest date a couple months back and it’s gonna end up on tv. They’re gonna cast a lookalike Raymi. #fame #raymous
Want to hear a period joke. Hey I’m PMessy.
Wow, there’s rage like no other than trying to get a closet door back on its track. I was going to take a selfie and noticed my closet behind me was open a crack and was like, cant have that this is a room selfie and already pathetic enough as is so I had better tidy up this shit hole so then I go to slide close the door and the thing just comes off the track in my hands and I was like great now I’m going to have to call my dad to put this on but he’s kind of pissed at me right now so it will be this entirely awkward bitchy ordeal just to get this door back on I may as well force myself to learn how to do this right fucking now! Because jared is coming over and he wont know what to do about this door and so my closet became a metaphor for my life like am I going to make it in life if I cant get this door back on its track? Well, I did get it on but it wasn’t pretty and then the whole selfie moment was totally fucking over and I looked like shit in each picture because my hair wouldn’t fall naturally the way it was before I went to fix the goddamn door. That is the end of that story.
Hey do you want to hear a joke? (tell dry cleaning pants shitting joke).
So people are pretty mean to me. They are, truly. And its cool u know cos whatever you do youre gonna be you and do you but when people are always mean to you about you like you should change the awesome it kind of makes you feel like shit so you feel like shit all the time. But you don’t change and you wont because you know why they hate you in the arrogant way they hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Cos they jealous.
So I did this talk to OCAD the other day. See how smug and douchey each sentence begins in comedy, so I uh, did this thing eh. I did this thing. I went to this thing. So I uh. Yeah, did this ultra thingy-thing. So yeah. Anyway I spoke about blogging I cant even really remember what I said but I know I looked good cos I watched myself on webcam the entire time and was too wrapped up in looking like kim kardashian to make practical sense and what was I even talking about anyway, blogging? Im like talking about unicorns and fairy dust and giving tips without giving away the method to my magic.
(segue) Oh you server not found!
Make fun of the comedians at the central for Tuesday night comics. Finally I am making fun of u on this stage…
Do you guys wanna talk about the math about my alleged fifteen years in blogging? Its too late everybodys here, who cares. Lol
You guys are the special mystery surprise guests cos I didn’t think anyone would come haha surprise!
No kidding wow thats awesome you guys are here I didn’t think anybody would come thats wild thanks.
I was only suppose to say that joke in the event of no one being here.
So my whole look good now die later thing has caught up to me because later is now. For the last 3 months ive been in crazy pain that is decidedly something awful that I have done to myself so stay tuned and feel good about being here tonight because I will probably be dead soon.
I went for an ultrasound and as the nurse was dildoing me with that wand she asked me what I did and as I was telling her about all this stuff about myself and it was so casual. TOO casual. I had my arms back, I was lounging on a pillow, lubed up, being transvaginally probed and I thought this is so weird. But, so right? Like I am totally the one for this kind of scenario. I am like a transvaginal ultrasound technician’s wet dream cos I was like so chill. Pretty much exactly the egg from the humpty dumpty’s logo, that fucking chill. How lucky for her!!!!!! Then she told me some really private stuff about herself and her family and like, fully opened up to me too. God it was precious. She also said she didn’t see anything wrong with me inside there and i haven’t heard back anything from my doctor yet no alarm bells but you heard it here first I am dying. Give me all your love and money now before it is too late.
Thanks for being here,
your pal forever Raymi.