people who don’t like cats are assholes and they’re the same people who think dogs are smarter – FUCK!

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM!?

cats are better because they don’t make loud barking sounds that make you snap your head around because you are all startled and your heart kind of stops and then after the startled-feeling goes away you then have complete anger and annoyance and have to leave the room altogether because there is a dog and it is barking all over the place and then the cat looks at you and says don’t worry dood i’ll take care of it so he goes over to the dog and punches him with his little cat fist and the dog goes oh ok sorry guy and starts licking his balls and other dog-things until you have to let him out to crap in your backyard while the cat is sitting politely in his little box reading the newspaper taking a doo doo and gracefully covers it all up for you to scoop it out later when you feel like it.

and then barky mcbark bark is all look at me look at me i am a dog bark bark yip and slams into the diningroom table and destroys everything pretty what is your house while kitty larue is telling you to fuck off with his eyes because he has this thing called pride something that dogfuck lacks because dogs are not as cool as cats.

don’t get me wrong i do love dogs i just prefer cats because i am crazy as a loon and bitches like me who are lazy assholes opt for low-maintenance snotty animals who are needy sometimes while completely invisible other times and then when you start crying they come sit on your head and sniff your stupid eyes and nose and feel bad for you and then when you are done using the cat for having your emotional needs met you can go on a bender for a few days, come back and cat is like yo dude WHAT’S UP i didn’t notice you left but the dog is all hysterical, complete wreck of a creature while you were away all of your house is messed and smelly and you are like, I. HATE. MY. LIFE.

the way i see it, if you want a fuckin’ kid, give birth.

people who are manic and don’t know it make me sad

people who are manic and know it make me glad

and amused

anyhow

i sort of had something prepared to type about and now it is gone

i feel like i have written about everything i could have possibly written about or can get away with

something was on the tv last nite before i passed out and i thought must blog about that asshole and so i fell asleep and forgot about it altogether and so here i am.

oh right now i remember what it was, and it was something i watched EARLY this morning and then fell asleep again for a little while and that’s how it disappeared from my brain.

ok so this rant is about eminem and how fucking annoying i think he is and i am sure everyone will agree with me on this – his latest video i saw for the first time this morning (the one where he goes UH RUH RUH RU RU like he is suppose to be pee wee herman or something?) because i don’t really pay attention to garbage television as much as i use to these days because i am very busy talking to cats and sitting in stairwells smoking cigarettes thinking about what cool is….

anyway, what’s up with this fucking honky and why is he still getting away with impersonating other celebs, failed, 15 minutes of fame or not, making a total mockery of the 90’s and putting that crap in music videos over and over and over again? and even calling it a music video HOLY SHIT and that song is so incredibly tacky and sounds like every other song before it and people will say hey shut up raymi i like that song!

and i say

no you shut up

the only reason you like that song is because you hear it all the time in your stupid friend’s car when you are smoking a fatty to whoever’s loser house it is you are on your way over to next and ps if i was mc hammer and pee wee herman i would tagteam eminem and make him eat his poseur doo-rag.

TOP TEN DONALD TRUMP PICKUP LINES

10. How’d you like to be a New York Post headline?

9. Haven’t I evicted you somewhere before?

8. You don’t know Marvin Mitchelson, do you?

7. Care to take a ride on the Trump Shuttle?

6. I’d like to do to you what I did to Merv

5. I can introduce you to Don King

4. Hello. I’m Donald Trump

3. Tired of always running to the automated cash machine?

2. I’m good friends with Dave Letterman

1. That is a roll of hundreds in my pocket and I’m glad to see you

TOP TEN THINGS HEARD AT THE ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE

10. “Today, my name is Mayor O’Koch.”

9. “All right! Another bagpipe band.”

8. “Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it.”

7. “You have the right to remain silent…”

6. “That’s not a float – that’s Tip O’Neill.”

5. “Aww…not on my shoes!”

4. “These foreign cars tip over much easier.”

3. “Hey, that guy’s not wearing green – kill him!”

2. “While we’re in the neighborhood, let’s drop by the Museum of Modern Art.”

1. “You’ll get your personal effects back downtown, Monsignor.”

This is the assignment as I gave it to them. I have already had some

interesting responses — they all seems quite excited by you. Love or

hate they do seem excited. I suppose it would make more sense to you

if you knew the reading … but meh. I thought about the idea after I

wrote to you about proving marketability through traffic , so I wanted

to see how much traffic I could generate — not much I suppose, unless

the whole class gets in on the act (there are 340 first year cultural

studies students). “Step Back” is a term we use in my classes to try

to represent the idea of a meta-cognitive sort of thinking — asking

why, why do I think the way I do.

Good Luck

being arty isn’t enough. nor is prettiness.

i changed the colour of my hair to be ahead in the game.

lend a hand please return magazines and newspapers to their racks and help us to keep your periodicles in good condition.

are we having fun yet?

are you doing better than your parents?

can anybody beat this guy?

great british issue organic style traveler mountain bike nature

eyeliner 101 mastering beauty’s toughest trick

oprah’s $7 million giveaway!

suffering in silence the new romantic party dress a mother’s pride and fear for her reporter son in iraq dream gifts 51 wild & wonderful holiday surprises ben’s new jen affleck and garner: is it serious? behind the scenes at america’s next top model the new medical miracle wrinkle cure

50+ of the best watches & necklaces fashion: the bejeweled BOHO Plus: incredibly sexy shoes for you the party issue how to throw a fabulous fete 200+ ideas everybody gets something CHIC! your ultimate gift guide your feelings about it won’t fade either

i just read about natalie portman and all those magazine-promisings and all those awful words and now i am headed for the bar.

right now i am showing off my fraudness being cute in the library with my backpack poseuing as a student and acting like i do not have a drinking problem and acute fascinating sadness and tomorrow i have a head-doctor’s appointment.

i feel pretty stressed these days and miserable.

miserable because i am broke and broke because i drink and i drink because i am sad and i have come to terms with this unhappiness ie fully confronted and i am aware of my problems/issues with the world at large i just don’t have the courage to change them.

it’s not a matter of courage, really, it is more of a disturbing laziness.

i have to change the way i look at the world and the matter in which i deal with things, people, and stop waiting for life to happen to me and find a publisher and explain that cuteness sells, and depression is marketable, when you sprinkle it with humour and drawings of cats that can talk.

falsegirl

subscribe to Fugue because you don’t know what cool is.

the computer said to me not to smile so that is my trying not to smile massively stupid scowl look for the how old you will be in 50 years photo that i look ridiculously ug-city in so i am not bothering to post it because i do not agree at all with the science centre’s predictions of how my face will be aging.

in other news, it snowed last nite/early morning today and i woke up about 6 20 am and thought of a bunch of stuff to keep my mind occupied ’til maybe 9am after i was like FUCK THIS and had a bit of a cigarette and some oj and it woke up the cat and then it woke up fil because the cat purrs like a lawnmower and sits on my face until you feed him or put him in the bathroom for a time-out.

i called my mum last nite to ask her what she wanted for xmas and she said body shop stuff that’s all she wants and i said don’t you want something substantial that you can keep or something and remember like how i buy everyone kitschy stuff that they don’t need that just sits around collecting dust and when visitors come over they are like woah totally COOL and useless!

being practical, well, buying practically is sooooooooooo stressful and at this point in my life i just can’t deal with stress, well, not that i can’t deal with it, i just totally refuse to deal with that shit altogether unless i am playing burnout on xbox and i have to cause a huge car accident to make lots of car accident money, this is the only stress i will allow for the time being oh and helping people when they email me with advice on life like i invented living.

blep.

fil tripped me yesterday when the centre was closing and it was fucking hilarious so i couldn’t get too mad over it, dammit. i flew and my purse flew even further and fil is lucky that it was on a carpetted floor. focker.

so everyone i am moving back to toronto, the land of snobportunity, social anxiety, and colorful scarves.

i can’t wait to be broke over there and boss around ward and finally allow myself to be startrek-washed but only because I am choosing the ikea-shit.

and all of it.