we did a lot of farting last nite and i am not the one who started it. four different places and lots of farting. matt and fil were lying about all these fights that never happened to me because i usually believe everything but i couldn’t believe that because they are not fighters at all. fil invented pacifism and matt just runs his mouth off behind people’s backs. matt came over and waited with us for the part in basic instinct where sharon stone shows her beaver and i took a photo of it and then we went out to meet with the gang for kat’s bday-o-thon which basically was me making fun of everybody dancing and taking photos right in their face and video clips until i used up all my insults.
matt likes farts
i tried to dress like napoleon dynamite with the vote for pedro shirt that’s all fucked up and no one really cared. i talked to matt about it and he was like yeh i saw it last week i liked it and valerie didn’t. and then i told fil about how i invited matt over to have a nerdy napoleon dynamite viewing party with us and he said that matt said he didn’t like that movie. so that was the first lie of the nite.
tonite is another bday thing a ling holy shit can’t people just stop having birthdays what the hell.
fil’s hair is exciting because that’s what happened to it during the metallica documentary the nite after i put make-up on him.
took this from flatlinegirl and doesn’t it make your eyes set on fire it is that fantastic. why can’t i be in their little dance club? i feel so left out.
i turned into a wimpy woman near that thing. i don’t like snakes i don’t care how much they get along with cats. i don’t like them i don’t like to touch them and they can just go to hell.
i don’t know what i am eating but i am eating it anyway. it’s like the inside of some chicken vegetable thing and it had tinfoil on it and so i heated it up to the temperature of a volcano and something tells me there was some sort of pastry on it but that was eaten already so i am eating the inside because i am poor.
dr. phil is on in the other room and no one is watching him. i hate that douchebag. it’s a valentine’s show i think. they are doing this mystery date thing and one guy is speaking one of his “sexy” languages and he has a shitty haircut and i hope she goes for him instead of the two other hot guys with better hair so when she walks around the partition she will have to be pretend-happy for her mystery man with his mystery bad hair.
serves her right for being on dr. phil and looking like a price is right model with a pink sparkly dress.
if i were her and i chose him and then i saw him i would go ew gross your hair SUUUUUUCKS i am going on a double date with those guys even though they are yuppies who pretend they like golf.
right now rocky is my best friend and then later cid will be my best friend but right now rocky is because he is looking at me like he is saying inside his head that we are best friends and then i pick him up and carry him around and exclaim to anyone who is listening that me and rocky are best friends.
and then i feel old.
at least rocky doesn’t mind rock music. i play it very loud and he sits there anyway. i could put on a hair dryer, a washing machine, the stereo, and 5 vacuums and a lawn mower and rocky would sit there happily and probably try and get you to pet him.
i don’t feel like doing anything today or tonite, you know that feeling? but then it will turn into everyone going to do the thing and you’re sitting around not doing it thinking that your clever stand off is so working and then last minute you go ALRIGHT i’ll DO IT. FUCK.
it’s probably because my hair is all messed up it is making me feel arty and weird and lazy and eccentric when really i just have messed up hair and there is nothing eccentric about me other than anecdotes about my cat who is dumb and cute.
i’m getting bored of my headrapist or i think he is getting bored of me because when i am finished talking about my little updates of the past two weeks i stare like i am in deep-thought or i am scowling and he thinks this means i am really sad and so he goes into a lengthy metaphor spiel and sometimes i forget to pay attention and by the time he is done i go mmmhmmm you’re right, that’s good advice or a good way of looking at it and so on.
i think we both used up all of our material the first 3 or 4 sessions and now we just wait for the hour to be up. me with a lot of vacant staring and avoiding eye-contact and him looking like the curb your enthusiasm guy with his fingertips pressed together and then we talk about movies that he has seen and that i think are stupid but i act like they are good movies and that i will go rent them immediately and sometimes he tells me the same metaphor he had already told me and i act like he hadn’t told it to me before and so when he begins telling the metaphor/story i realise he has said it before so i get hyper-anxious and worry that my face will give it away that i already know it and if i nod too many times or not enough times he will know when really i should have gone yo dude you told me this already, you are fired.
but i can’t do that because i am polite to people i guess.
and so when he is done speaking i go woah, that was, deep.
next morning awesomeness. i told fil i didn’t feel like going home yet from the backseat and he dropped me off anyway and i got crabby annoyed and went in and sent an abrasive text message and passed out immediately. i guess i had visions of bars and megatouch and screaming in my head i wanted MORE.
ok so me and wainbows hung out last nite. i bullied her into being my friend after reading her email about dreaming about me and so she agreed finally after months and months of bla bla blaaaing to each other about being super cool best friends and so i said look i haven’t showered today even so don’t outdo me on the hotness and she said ok fine but then she shows up with brand new hair and a cool outfit and i felt like a ninny at the end of the bar waiting to discuss popsicle stick formations.
so we told each other a bunch of blackmail gossip which was pretty interesting. i met her at rivoli because it was pretty early and all the other places weren’t open yet and i walked into this office party nonsense of nerdoids playing pool but there was all this fancy catered food and so i ate a ton of it because i have been dieting the past two days which means salad only and so i’ve been walking around going I’M STARVING every three seconds and thinking about eating cows with cowsauce with chicken gravy and so on so free food belonging to office nerds all for me equals eating at nite in a bar doesn’t count and it will not affect your pretend diet.
there was a group of people beside us who very interested in us but kept to themselves and wainbows didn’t tell me ’til we were leaving that they were whispering about us the entire time and i wanted to stay and watch them watch us but we had been there long enough and she wanted to eat pizza even though there was all that free food to eat. so she ate pizza and then we went to the bovine and you can smoke in the back now. incredible. i called fil and matt and bragged about it and then they showed up because they were jealous. anyway before they came there was a group of three guys all staring at us and we knew that they were going to come over and try and make us their girlfriends and one by one they did except for the one guy who is on that pimp my ride show who is in town because he is working on one of the raptors’ cars i don’t give a fuck.
so dude on the right with the scraggy hair is the pimp my ride guy and i took this photo not knowing this and the guy in the middle is all excited and comes right over and says so you recognized him (he said his name which i don’t remember) and i said recognized who? and he goes oh ok nevermind and leaves and then douchebag on the left with the drink in his hand comes over and starts bragging about his pimp my ride friend and i’m like dude awesome for you and i told him we were prostitutes and i was very mean and he still wouldn’t leave and then fil and matt walk in and i go that’s my boyfriend right there and he is still there and he hands me his card and says he writes for the metro and also sells condos and then pimp my ride comes over along with other friend and it was one giant circle of gayness and then wainbows left it was so gay and then we went home and pimp my ride guy felt uncool and well, that’s toronto for you.
i also told the guy that I wrote for the metro and that i sold condos. everything he said i copied it. the lighting in the bovine makes you look super amazing i guess. i have no idea why he was bothering to talk to me. i dressed homeless.
