TOP TEN WAYS TO ADD EXCITEMENT TO A LONG CAR TRIP
10. Play “auto-bingo”
9. Try to eat ear of corn while steering
8. Play connect-the-dots with dead bugs on windshield
7. Practice sudden bootlegger turns
6. When traffic is light, drop pants around your ankles
5. Have long conversations with imaginary friends after picking up hitch-hikers
4. Lean on horn and swerve as you approach stalled motorists
3. Tune to static on radio and pretend you’re the last person on earth
2. See how long you can drive with your eyes closed
1. Talk guy behind counter at Stucky’s into leaving family and joining you
went to the back in the day scumhole last nite. same old bullshit. white guys who think they’re detectives of coolness and make a big deal of shaking each other’s hands for all to see. dude, you saw each other two hours ago so fuck off with your long lost brethren crap, you hang out every day of the week.
all of a sudden hanging out with your white trash homies means big sideways HYEH GUY hand shakes, like they saw it in a movie and passed word around about it and said let’s do that mang.
um are you the mafia? is this new jack city? why are you wearing sweatpants and dancing around to gwen stefani and when you make eye contact with your friend you immediately shake hands in that fucking way? is this the end scene of american pie where jason biggs is looking around at all of his friends dancing with their red cups of beer and then he nods his head to them and they all nod back one after the other smiling like goony fucktards like ya dude we suuuure accomplished a lot but we made it out ok?
anyway, if you and your friends practise the faggoty art of self-important hand shaking and you also think that lil john is a musical genius then you can just fuck off.
i am so getting my period today.
March 24, 2005
played 3d worms ’til 1 in the morning beer after beer and eventually it’s strictly all about the air strikes. last nite’s dream was just too retarded to explain. hanging out with jesus tonite (scott). right now my hair looks like 80’s rock – kideo/spinal tap/garth of wayne’s world fame which means no more sleeping on my face. i can’t wait to get home and do all my laundry so i can wear the same one outfit i always wear ‘cept this time with clean socks.
cid is so annoying in the morning when you feed him because he blocks your way to the fridge and to the cutlery drawer to get a knife for his friggin’ cat food and then while you’re picking up his dish and putting it down again because he is so excited for eating. dude you’d be eating way faster if you weren’t doing figure eights around my feet every goddamn step i take. i can’t stop thinking about how annoying it is i’m afraid i’ll go outside and bump into some random and they’ll be hey what’s new and i’ll blurt out a big tale of exasperation involving a cat and feeding it when i am hung over and that’s all the material i’ve got, the only thing that is new with me.
less than a week and i’ll be 22.
March 23, 2005
i seriously have to do something about my lifestyle. upon watching the reward challenge of tonite’s episode of survivor and the underdog tribe won, i, actually, got a thrill from it.
lame city, population me.
also, the last day of winter was suppose to be the 21st so what’s the deal with blizzathon 2005 all of a sudden?
fil actually knows what the weatherman’s name is, the one specific to the weather channel.
we watched return of the king and my ADD didn’t kick in ’til maybe 2/3 the way through and my special brainpowers were able to detect every homosexual undertone like nobody’s business.
my crazy doctor doesn’t think i am bipolar. more on this later.
he also retold a metaphor story that he used maybe the 4th session and i pretended that i hadn’t already heard it though this time instead of a sinking raft it was a sinking USS titanic and there was no fancy island to swim to.
in the beginning i am neurotic and entertaining, now, i’m just boring and dude’s probably thinking oh my god get normal or just kill yourself already, do something drastic for fucksakes so we have something to discuss other than your blog!
oh yeah something else i said that was awesome yesterday at the trying to be posh bar/eatery that has replaced the regular drunken dive pub – the new owners are taking socializing with the clientele way too seriously and this one lady in particular was just brutal and so we were analyzing her every move and thing that she said and she was wearing this long white pea jacket and i said YA man who is she, the scientist of the restaurant? too bad a) no one was listening to me when i said that and therefore b) nobody laughed at the funniest remark in the universe made by ME!
then i saw a somewhat distinguished old man with a little chapeau on unashamedly spit on the sidewalk right in front of aimee and i and he kept right on walking.
maybe i should call the local newspaper about that one?
ok upon impulsive self haircut job i now look like an after school special teenager/made for tv movie star.
because i have the mentality of an eight year old and think that everyone cares about the same things i care about i will have you know that survivor is on TONITE!
now i am going to cut my hair diagonally.
