this is sort of the story of the french hamburger what walks and talks. he doesn’t have a name but he goes around saying oh la la quite a bit and also au secours when the alien stick man smells his hamburger fumes he becomes psychotically enraged and chases after french hamburger because he wants to eat him because he is the most delicious smelling hamburger in all of the land.
but he never catches french hamburger because french hamburger can run very very fast and all of the tiny creatures of the forest have hiding places for hamburger to duck into when he is fleeing.
when french hamburger runs it says FLEEEEE behind him and those running fast motion lines are there too like in cartoons and it is all very believable.
one day alien stickman came very very close to eating french hamburger, he was holding him in his hands and just about to take a bite out of his head when french hamburger said in the cutest tiniest french voice ever -
please doooo nut eet me for i am french hambuuurgur.
and then alien stickman said ok i won’t eat you and he didn’t.
so i tried sleeping on my stomache to make my uterus not backwards the other nite and i could only do it for ten minutes cos i started breathing too heavy and it was way too uncomfortable so i guess i’m stuck with a fucked up womb. after that weekend with those kids up north i don’t think i want to have kids anyway and if they turned out anything short of perfect i would probably drown them or take off.
fil goes to the dentist every six months and i haven’t been since i was 18. he says all my teeth are going to rot and fall out of my head and no one will love me and i said well nobody loves me now so whatever. being dramatic is fun.
yesterday on the patio with fil and another woman who talks a lot and is boring and doesn’t make the conversation focus on me so i totally zoned out and thought of a short story idea that is pretty gay and i asked for a pen and she didn’t have one and fil desperate for the woman to shut up asked me the idea and i said oh it’s a story about this rich weird lady who lives all alone in this small town and she like has all this money and she buys a golf cart and drives it around town to buy groceries. best. story. idea. ever.
right now fil is pretending to be slash in the living room with his guitar and outside you can still hear all this shitty jazz music playing, i fucking swear after this weekend i never ever want to hear jazz music again, ever.
