reverend alecia
pretty much the best thing i have seen lately.
thank fuck the world cup is over, fiiiinally.
there’s nothing more annoying than italian soccer fans, jussayin’ – hey it’s totally cool to let your four year old stand at the corner of that major intersection for five hours by himself waving a flag! when fil and i were driving around sunday it was like HONK HONK HONK HONK HONKITY HONK and if you make eye-contact with any of these guys they think you are all about cheering along with them so you have to pretty much wear horse eye blinders and look dead ahead the entire afternoon to not let some guy mistakenly think you give a shit about soccer. and their whole WE ARE THE BEST ITALY RULES mentality is fucking gay um excuse me super fat guy leaning against that hair salon did YOU personally win the game? are you on the team? so by being italian and having the italian team be victorious you, by association are also the best? is that how it works? so i can be a drunken lazy louse all i want but because my dad is successful and shit this means i am successful too?
at least england’s soccer hooligans KNOW that they are annoying and smash shit and get in fights and set their cars on fire and don’t do faggy flag waving from cars type crap up and down their town’s main drag over and over until it is dark and delude themselves into thinking they are some supreme race of superhuman soccer elite golden gods from golden soccer lava land.
me:
well too bad i am a lazy oaf
Neil:
ha
ah well
you should go to the archives today
spadina and dupont
me:
why
Neil:
look up someones address
me:
and?
Neil:
see whats up
was anyone murdered there?
maybs..
haunted?
me:
eep
Neil:
most likely
me:
nah gay
Neil:
so what you going to do instead?
me:
figure out what nationality my blog would be if it were a person
id say german
cos its like full of itself , black and white
no bs
Neil:
yawn
me:
YOU are the YAWN
Neil:
ha
you are “to yawn”
me:
hey lets build masks out of bark
oh wait
nevermind
Neil:
dude, waaaay ahead of you!
i just got some new cool wood too
me:
ahaha
Neil:
my big pastime now is hitting the park on the weekends after breakfast
wandering around in the hairy bits, salvaging bits of bark and twigs
me:
who are you a fairy tale?
BONER OF THE WEEK GOES TO KAYLEE DEFER
ok i was a little bit worried about this one like, is she 14? 17? she was born in ’86 so we’re cool. too bad i don’t know shit about her other than she currently plays a mean (not as in unkind, but, badass) teenage daughter on the war at home and makes her actor father lose his mind in every episode and you are quietly rooting for her to do sluttier and sluttier shit like maybe she’ll get addicted to drugs cool!
i have a feeling that show will be cancelled soon so hopefully she’ll play her cards right and be america’s kiera knightly cos well, kiera is irritating as hell. what i mean is, Kaylee, topless – picket fence tooth grin – pretentious british accent + mermaid long hair + barbarian leather bikini outfit + machete + war paint + running across a field screaming in your face = move over CN tower (get it? boner?)
anyway, she’s babesville.
unfortunately we could never be friends cos i’d have to insist she come with me to the bathroom so she wouldn’t be left alone with my boyfriend, chatting ever so carelessly – then i would have to rip her hair out and go to jail. jail = bad.
the biggest thing that never happened excerpt
One of the worst things you can do to your talents is smother them, whether it be by the drink or a 9-5, what’s the point of a talent if it goes nowhere? The whole tree falling in the woods sentiment, does it make a sound if no one is around to hear it? And then some smart-ass goes of course it does, we all know that a huge tree falling will surely make noise blah, blah.
Literal thinkers should be publicly drowned.
Moreover, no, the tree will not make a sound if no one is there to hear it.
You have a talent and you don’t do anything with it or hone it, then you do not have a talent. That is that. You can talk a mean streak all you want, forty years down the road and you can no longer do the splits, that’s information better left unsaid, sister.
July 10, 2006
i can’t talk right now i am shelling shrimp because i am a housewife and i belong in the kitchen and cid thinks he is king of the universe and everything because he smells seafood and i bought kocher pickles and i am wrapping them in westphalian ham because if food isn’t ironic or oxymoronic or SOMETHING then i am NOT EATING IT hello tuna sandwich you are boring me learn some jokes and get back to me thanks.
ps going to the supermarket empty-stomached is dumb you are all I NEED TO FIT EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING BASKET BECAUSE I HAVE A CRAVING FOR ALL OF AISLES 1-8 INCLUDING PRODUCE THE END.
