i lost my shit in the theatre when it went all black mega tear steady stream down each side of my face during the wtc sounds and splosions and i thought about that morning from the apartment
i was not smiling
a black girl sat beside me two brown girls to our front
who else saw that cbs documentary in march of 2002? the french brothers who were following the firefighters around and were the only ones to get film footage from inside the wtc that fucking morning? me and jack falcon saw’re it. someone tell me theyve seen it too
about someone whose grip on life is so vague that to see her you have to look hard. that’s me. i’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. just like the cheshire cat, someday i will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, that kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant.
i am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who looks so very vibrant and shimmery, but who is in fact soon going to be gone. when you look at that picture again, i want to assure you, i will no longer be there.
i will be erased from history.
that summer i am just thirteen and everything sucks.
be careful of your heart
imagine dragging all that bloody furniture
i am alone in the house, the electricity is off, i can’t get the lights on, i keep bumping into things, i am alone in the dark, i am alone in the world, and i start screaming.
homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i’m always missing someone or someplace or something, i’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. my life has been one long longing.
we went to alaska and we froze to death
12 august 2000 on the plane 4:37pm toronto time from gatwick will arrive yyz 1/2 hour earlier than scheduled. i am over-tired. i can’t wait to see my family and friends i know i’ll start sobbing like a fagretard. i can’t wait for a silk cut.
tan workout lose weight tone down weigh 60kgs last i checked calm down relax minimize lifestyle simplify clean room yoga work on writing techniques and skills etc be happy get internet.
i can’t wait to land and depart from this flying deathtrap in the clouds it makes me vulnerable to what could be the worst possible happening. honestly what would you do? what could you do for the prevention of it falling out of the sky, besides that of finally seeking faith and screaming your looney little head off…
i ate your candy then i stole your sunshine.
why do they always play this fookin’ song b’cos it makes me horny baby i’d better watch what i say i can’t help it, i’m brilliant i write like a retard where’s the privacy here?
i’m all over all over all over i’m all over all over all over you’re the only one…
i look out the doorway onto the street and i think i won’t be here three hours from now so it doesn’t matter i will be away from this place this store and life i had to go somewhere with the premise of actually acomplishing something other than getting baked on the beach
all my dreams are made of chrome
bring in the machines.
bring in the black boxes.
prozac becomes viewed as a silly drug for crybabies.
you are only a dead star
the ideal cocktail party monologue
monkeyass
depression is about as close as you get to somewhere between DEAD and ALIVE, and it’s the worst.
like carpenters they want to know which tools, they never ask why build.
you totally blew it if you didn’t go to magic pony to look at me. xania was the best as she came in kicking her boyfriend in the nuts immediately and i had my fly undone for awhile and katherine tole me but then people fell in love with it. me and kat hit each other in the face a lot. i saw lucasaids and regan (girl who called me 5 in the am on e for a bootycall) a bunch of hipsters and ya neil fiddleton was there then we went to dun riiiiiiiiite and i let an old lady make it with my pussy hair and i left her there on the floor with her pants at her ankles calling me a bitch after i said have a nice nite.
angelo was taking pictures and little vids of it. noel missed it entirely. i totally lost my shit about it, you know that whole gross retard laughing face. noel tagged my name on the toilet too. angelo puked on the patio and i put my face in it for a picture. kat was horny for the magnetic darts and loser ponytailfuck what works there hated us a lot and mopped up gello’s vomit. then we went out back for a j and came back to drink more. lets see what else? sj was there but didnt see me. obviously i am next door swimming in a pool of jagermeister you twat.
the world is a beautiful place – lawrence ferlinghetti
the world is a beautiful place to be born into if you don’t mind happiness not always being so very much fun if you don’t mind a touch of hell now and then just when everything is fine because even in heaven they don’t sing all the time
the world is a beautiful place to be born into if you don’t mind some people dying all the time or maybe only starving some of the time which isn’t half so bad if it isn’t you
oh the world is a beautiful place to be born into if you don’t much mind a few dead minds in the higher places or a bomb or two now and then in your upturned faces or such other improperties as our name brand society is prey to with its men of distinction and its men of extinction and its priests and other patrolmen and its various segregations and congressional investigations and other constipations that our fool flesh is heir to
yes the world is the best place of all for a lot of such things as making the fun scene and making the love scene and singing low songs and having inspirations and walking around looking at everything and smelling flowers and goosing statues and even thinking and kissing people and making babies and wearing pants and waving hats and dancing and going swimming in rivers or picnics in the middle of the summer and just generally ‘living it up’
yes but then right in the middle of it comes the smiling mortician
aimee pantsed me and then fell over forward into a concrete slab, fence and big prickle bush. heh. so GP. serves her right. and sid gave me a rash. not the kind down there. and sid is a cat. ps. and phil got a wedge and stef’s sister wears her halloween costume the year after stef does. and i have a crush on the iron burn on their carpet.
fucking portugal shut up you fat lards driving thru town over and over i hope your flag gets pulled into your tire axle, you fake italians. sorry gunnar not you.
and fuck you starbucks. it’s obvious that i never ever go there when i am trying to concoct my coffee into not tasting like the swamp water they use to brew it. 4 fistfulls of sugar and some half n half and it still tastes like trash. here dad want the rest? there ya go.
im excited about magic pony parrty tonite, it’s gonna be hip hype hop.
i’m bringing blythe too and my camera. there’s a back patio but the bands might be playing not on it it’s pretty overcast. party goes ’til a little later than midnite. who knoooows when i’ll be there. prolly by nine. and i’m bringing an umbrella and yes it will be open indoors because that my friends, is how it’s done.
the raymi diet is coming along quite beautifully. lots of caffeine and cigarette low carbs the right fats sit-up central and fake tanning lotion. my metabolism is lightning. im like yo what is it in cigarettes tha makes me crap immediately and angelo is all something is in there that does it. it’s like magic.
i washed blythe’s hair yesterday, shampoo’d it and conditioned and blowdryed it and then put the straightener to it and burned half of her fucking hair off. sorry blythe. i’m glad i was able to get the burnt synthetic hair fibres off the ceramic hairthing if it were the cheaper one i used there is no way in hell that woulda come off.
am i the only one pretending to pay attention to soccer right now? i like it enough when im in a pub knee-deep in pints. last time in toronto i would be biking to work turn a corner and be right smack in the middle of chinks on cars setting off fireworks all frenzied and manic panic. every other day a new unit of nationality would be going balls mental. i lived in lil italy too so u can imagine what it was like.
i think i’m gonna jerk off now have a shower shave my snatch fix up my room and think about panama. superjudge wants me to bring him back a hat.
