yay me and james hung like chicken from strings and i told him all this crazzy shit about my life since we saw’re each other last and he is like oh. well, i was in a hot tub naked once with my girlfriend and some other people? his brother is a christian. nufsaid.

dadraymi and i are gonna see a movie tomorrow. cheap tuesdays rulesdays. i’m always like yeh one student please, pfffffffffft. and then girl is like ok what school do you go to and i’m like uh ahh ok i was lying but then gives me student price anyway. rn thought that was pretty funny. i was just so dumb with fatigue and sadness to even think of what my old highschool’s name was.

so drug/booze-counselling was good. i left there feeling pretty zzz but good my counsellor’s other person didn’t show up so we went outside for a smoke. i am bringing shawnraymi next appointment too. it’s good.

yoga was good though i was a bit scatter-brained for it and there are just some things i can’t do properly ‘cos my body is funky and trained to move in different ways, danseur ways. i even brought my ballet slippers.

i thanked the yoga inslutster afterward.

james saw this one woman wipe out on her bike outside the place and i was all oh man that’s the limberest woman in my class. her sandal got caught on her peddle and she had chain grease on her fingers. i’m like who are you, me?

blythe likes cemeteries she tole me.

a sub is on its fine-ass way to me and then i’m gonna fagboard into your hearts on these mean streets kuz i’m just a po-girl tryin’ to make it in this world.

nah what ahm sayin’ sumpin sumpin?

then i’m gonna fag out yoga styles.

“i know i believe in me, i am i am.”

when me and aimee went to yoga last week the way it ended was all new-agey gayness, like it was all silent and people just left. pfft. i thought we might be too crazy for yoga but we were mature and didn’t look at each other too much except for upside-down in the mirrors and when i almost fell over during one position thing-thang.

I AM YOGATRON!

aimee asked if the woman asked my permission to touch me and she didn’t, she just touched away, but she asked aimee for permission. that’s prolly kuz it says i am a whore you can touch me long time on my forehead.

that’s aimee on the skirtbike. sorry charlie’s angel’s II! tim just wants her kuz she looks like a jewbroad.

this is aimeetheminx. she is wicked hot and hotter and looks like a porno when she wears her bikini. if you know her you love her. if you don’t love her i’ll punch you or say something that only i think is funny or condescending or i won’t say it at all to you i’ll say it to aimee and she’ll go bwuahuhuhuh that IS funny. like the time we bumped into amazon blond fakelesbian and she made aimee feel bad for being amazing and wasted and having raymi in her pocket singing songs about bitches and porn and aids and being girls gone wild. amazon woman you have dumb hair and me and aimee can fit us both at the same time in your jeans. cokeslut.

im starving. mum wake up and feed me. i will go wake you up in a minute because we have to work out. i love working out dude. i love running on the treads going woooht wooht hoooAH to the music! and all the ladies are on the eliptical looking at me in the mirror funny and i am like sorry thunderthighs i’m skinny, don’t hate me kuz ya ain’t me!

feh.

i swear they pump all the good songs once i’m done cardio and i go oh man wtf.

today me and mums are going to the drugplace and i will finally say the trooths of the trooths and i am actually looking forward to it this time kuz i’ll be, remember the last time when i said this and this and this well really THIS and THIS and THIS is what i was trying to convey and now i’m not hoarding secrets for myself or others anymore.

my strength is scarey.

even though i could only push you over when you were already on the floor in the crouch position.

today you are fourteen years old and i remember your birth like it was oh, but yesterday. i held you in my arms as you spittled down your chin and said, “beer me.”

you are my clone.

you are the bluntest funniest blunt and you roll your eyes a lot and your cds are a mess like mine and it’s my favorite when the best songs skip anyway.

you tole the POD he had the worst haircut during truth or dare jenga and i pissed down my leg. not ‘cos he does have the worst hair but out of us he does, for obvious reasons because it is not long and lustrous and flowing like a river. sorry POD, it’s still pretty nice though.

most of my clothes look better on you.

you had a spazz-attack, i had a scarier one, and i think we are still friends.

just come back soon so i can re-gift you some raymithings. i miss you and the rentme-stolen bicycle needs a reason to be ridden into your floozy little heart again.

You’re pretty and i miss you. happy birthday. let’s make a aimeeraymibaby. it would tool the world.

BFF!

i cleaned the whole damn house today but once it got time for dishes all i could do was go meh and fill the sink and slam them all in there. im pretty tired now. at least i wasn’t hung over today. i want to go to lasertag and go-karts.

it is cousin kristi’s 19th bday soon there’s a surprise party for her this week. i’ll just give her a bunch of slutty clothes that don’t fit me anymore or i don’t wear and i’ll give her back her fake von dutch hat, wait, no i won’t. last time she was here her button flew off her jeans and i go man you really ARE fatter and she is all oh thanks lauren and i’m what what what? oh right, that was not a nice thing to say. i can’t help bossing her around and shit, it’s just the way we work together. i talk shit to her and she does it right back. her little brother is a friggin’ criminal and is finally banned from school and he dresses like a junky and i bet he’s on the white devil kuz he is awful skinny and he does have fly-off-the-handle, coke-style rages. kristi tole me she stomped on him with high heels once. that’s pretty funny.

11:04 am – hardware store 28 December 2000

sometimes it is like she is the only one on the face of this earth who feels breathes sleeps sits alone and feels the bite and the kick of loneliness tho’ she stands up in it embraces it keeps her chin up in it endures survives it and nobody sees this girl her impatience her desires and impulses no one jumps in to save the girl to take advantage of her effed-upness no one knows she could be would be their girl

the self says, i am; the heart says, i am less; the spirit says, you are nothing. – Theodore Roethke

11:50pm January 4 2001 – JetFuel, Cabbagetown - lkw

she’s got

 

she has

 

this face,her eyes so small but pupils big

 

deep grey, green, blue

 

she’s got these hands so small & dainty and calloused

 

why but how

 

she’s got this vicious smirk

 

on her face

 

laughter contagious it makes you stop your breath

 

she has these cheekbones chiseled, sexy, strong

 

oh my she has this handsome original something

 

her nose is priceless her body movements are subtle concise and smooth you want to take her hands

 

you cannot read her

 

she has this smile it haunts

and she holds her cigarette like an old woman, a traveller from Portofino

she has this gaze where she is looking into me half sad half something else

this face you find you are always looking at

drawn-to, making you uncomfortable

she’s got i mean she has this exquisitely, haunting face