nxne at the drake, peter elkas and melissa mcclelland/luke doucet, dear alcohol LEAVE ME ALONE!

sorry, craziest dog ever.

he rules cos all the drake dinks waiting in line got barked and jumped at.

ahh!

go to mcfly2015.com and sign the petition for nike to manufacture those shoes.

valency sent us flight suits, i think they’re the new hangover house outfits. we’ll wear ‘em out i’m sure too. thanks valency!

STRAWBERRY BLOND – ron sexsmith video, nxne.

if you see the teaser ads for next week’s cntm episode you can see me and fil! i am again wearing the green/black striped sweater and my high tan boots, and fil is to my right, your left. it’s playing every 4 seconds on city pulse.

i bought new pants at h&m today and i am 2 sizes smaller! i grabbed what i normally try on which usually fit but look fucked up, too much material in the vag inner-thigh area and dumpy on the side thigh basically, everything legs excessive material. all of my weight goes to my love handles so i am a pear. i gave up trying on pants at h&m for 1.5 years cos it makes me depression spiral city, today i thought i would give it a go and i grabbed a biggie pair and it was a tent, so i went out and picked two more pairs in smaller sizes, tentatively thinking oh i’m defs gonna be the next size down only. wrong.

h&m’s sizes are smaller and meant to make you feel like a hippo i guess. anyway i’m slated right now so i dunno be prepped to read a ton of pants poetry.

oh lisa, i saw the dress you described and i REALLY wanted it. i haven’t seen anyone wearing it. no matter, i always heed thee blog advice. so no chevron stripe for me. i mean

hello crazy ontario weather today! we went to the burbs for some biz to take care of and fuck, trees down all over, where is helen hunt when you need her?

speaking of poetry, more poetry slams war graffiti. if you have been following, this all began when i scribbled POETRY SLAMS = SINGLE FOREVS. on the wall of an annex bathroom that hosts spoken word, poetry slams, music geek instrument blowjob nights i dunno, and so, people took the bait, finally, with some goading. my side is winning, of course. i can tell by the script that i am arguing mostly with the same person.

this is the script that keeps popping up.

also this one, they like to say GET A JOB as their argument. funny.

oh, but of course your mom’s new age “wacky” friend myrtle chimes in. i was going to X it out and write GO HOME but i think i’ll save the vegan war for a different stall.

good one, ugly.

i said that. first cuss word in the whole thing i fear it will all be wiped off.

i said that too. just in case the nerds forget that they are the problem not the solution.

oh fuck, get ready.

i gave fil the last quarter of my chicken burger with GOUDA and he crammed it in his mouth so fast i couldn’t get a photo of his porno-elated face. also he had just eaten one of his own.

i didn’t want to be too full so i shoved these guys into the ketchup/chutney mix to dissuade myself, and it worked.

not for fil, though.

+++

watch next week’s episode of canada’s next top model, you will see me and fil, i am wearing a green and black striped sweater and probably look fat and making busted faces. i can’t tell you anything else. don’t tell me about this week’s show we have to catch the repeat. oh and if some nerd knows how to record it (next week’s show) and wants to put it online, by all means do it. maybe just the part with me in it.

+++

I don’t know how you deal with this abuse from a bunch of petty shitheads who sit around all day waiting for your every move that they will then attempt to copy and call their own.

“Hi, I don’t care, thanks”…that says it all.
Monstergirl

i said a dumb thing to ron sexsmith i said his friend wasn’t important when i wanted my picture taken with him and ron said actually he is and then i got flack for it all nite long til i talked to the guy and turns out he is all yeah he barely knows me, basically saving face for the guy, ron was, so burn on everyone for not getting it.

i told him strawberry blond was one of my favourite songs and he said oh should we play that one? YES. he did. then afterward he said thanks for mentioning it cos they never know what songs to do.

i made a video of it too.

i ran into some old school friends who were there for blue rodeo, who didn’t go on til 3am, we left halfway thru melissa and luke’s set. oh man my liver.

the shorts were a hit, this awesome chick from scotland called me a doll, everyone else asked if i was wearing a skirt, my shirt kinda covered everything so it looked like i was wearing i dunno, a tiny skirt? then once shorts were revealed everyone was really impressed by my balls. and jealous.

ran into an ex-friend’s friend who recognized me from my blog and we shit-talked the mutual friend who OWES US MONEY and half of toronto!

that’s the nxne mascot some little old lady made them all by hand, only 77 were made and i got one cos i am probably the only retard who will make the effort to take pictures of it everywhere.

fil got plenty of sweet shots, as usual.

FIL SAID I AM NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR THESE SHORTS OUTDOORS!

i’m not going to listen anyway.

some oldies

friends having fun, sigh. is there a rule in kensington market that you have to be a total dink to hang? these three weasels walked up to us as we were snapping pictures and one walked right in front of me, i was on the sidewalk, it was at nite, there was NO traffic in the road, WALK AROUND ME YOU SHIT! and they had an attitude about it as well, like, get out of my way world. dudes sometimes i, i just, i get SO steamed! are you with me?

you’re beautiful. (goulet voice)

hungsville on the subway to union to meet pitt, pre-coffee.

this family was near us, i could tell the mom was not vibin’ on my outfit.

seinfeld voice, what’s the deal with those horses? fil: they’re an art installation. raymi (bitch mocky voice): they’re an art installation.

i meant, why? why horses, and, four of them? whatever union.

nice beret OU EST LA TOILETTE?

check the lady behind us in total love with eating.

uh, buddy, your boner is showing.

DEAR KID IN THE BASKETBALL JERSEY DRESS, BLACK SPLASH PANTS AND CONSTRUCTION BOOTS ON THE HOTTEST MOST SUNNIEST DAY EVER: WRONG.

don’t ask cos i don’t understand.

then we went to smokeless joe’s to meet fil’s sister and bf, we couldn’t think of anywhere else, i know, shut up. we will not be eating there again, brews only.

well actually, if i had more money i would have oysters there, 2.50 per. i get that the price is high cos of the labour involved in shucking those guys open but it doesn’t change the fact that you are dining on something that is essentially just tasteless snot that you have to cover in hot horseraddish sauce. not to mention that every fucking retard says THEY ARE AN APHPRODISIAC but when pressed have no fucking clue why. dear rich people, deeming something a panty-remover does not make it so.

then to the riv to see radmad. she got drunk as hell and then biked a 75k marathon the next day. mental. i am still thinking about the roti from the riv. oh also everyone who works upstairs there is a jerk, don’t get it. they put CC in the crown royal bottles too. winners.

then the ‘shoe to see jim bryson.

he’s pretty endearing, did i say that already? his friends/groupies were not feeling the raymi, like fuck off i am talking to him for two minutes, hold tight hags i’m not going to marry him.

then on our way out i see this chick and went over and yelled nice dress into her face and then pointed at my chest then after this picture i tucked in the flap on her chest and said i know, that happens.

then we walked home and had to urinate so badly finally did it beside some construction shit and a building and this dude walked by me totally on purpose and it sent me into a rage i tried to find him after. oh and i got piss on my leg.

giles, of the vibrants. i don’t know if that means anything. i told him his name was pretentious i think i hurt his feelings. i meant it in a good way.

merkley???: why doesnt vice write you back?

me: i dunno i wrotr to the guy he never wrote back
ther ei just wrote

merkley???: what is ei?
oj
there – 1
i
wow lots of typos with few letters
impressive ratio

me: ei
employment insurance?
oh
you are making fun of me
HEY YOU TRY HAVING LONG NAILS

merkley???: you try having a brain!

me: i dont have time for words
i mentioned you last nite

merkley???: how so?

me: ha that made you respond

merkley???: yeah it’s hard to get a response outta me

me: i was in the middle of bragging about myself and all my amazing attributes and then i brought you up in the most passive of ways, it was like straight out of our coolness rules guide, like i was tossing a package of chips in slow motion to some guy without even looking

merkley???: ha ha
that was one of the best rules
did they really throw a party for you?

me: NO
haha

merkley???: you got me

me: but anyway i was talking about the thing i am writing for vice and i said oh and i might be interviewing merkley, you know merkley?
and the guy goes yeah well dont you already DO that?
i said yeah

merkley???: ha ha

me: i was really cunty last nite
like ON cunty
and i could tell to one guy it was going way over his head
so i had to dumb it down a bit
i hate that

merkley???: yeah that sucks

me: it works better on younger dudes
it makes me sad when the oldies dont get it
thats funny you believed all those people were at that party for me
HAHAHAHAHA
anyway this one guy, it was built up that he had a good voice and i was told mine is also amazing so he walks over unsuspecting that i have pre-conceived notions
people should NEVER inform me of stuff
EVER
the end

merkley???: well its not unbeleiveable that you could have a big party

me: we were driven there in a gibson tour bus
and got booze
there were guitars on the walls and people were playing them
i secretly wished someone would do stairway
they didnt

last nite nxne threw an opening party for me at palais royale it was so nice of them, all the semi-famous people i love to kiss ass with were there thanks guys!

here is some evidence:

that’s stephen, his interests are TELLING THE SAME STORY EVERYTIME WE SEE HIM, PRETENDING HE IS SIXTEEN BY WAY OF WEARING LITTLE HOODIES, ARROGANCE. woah check out my eyes. next. oh yeah who wants to win some travis tickets?

wendi gave me that, you should get it too. i am listening to it now. it took me 5 minutes to open it, well more like ten, i was reading my comments and email and thinking of bitchy responses to everything while half-heartedly working on the cellophane not really paying attention or trying until the last minute i looked down at my hands and got so beyond fucking infuriated i raged to the kitchen and knifed it open. this just in, long nails are bogus. remind me to write about having to learn how to pick my nose all over again.

that’s liam titcomb nice name BURN (liamtitcomb.com) anyway he is 19 and i pointed that out a ton of times and did the ENJOY YOUR YOUTH WHILE IT LASTS speech until he got irritated and left but then came back for more then left then wanted more, i’m mostly a fucking bitch to people in a what i think is a jokey way, half the time it goes over well and the person has a raging boner for me then they don’t leave. liam and wendi believe in horoscopes. ‘NOUGH SAID.

checking on the girls.

look it’s a hand sandwich! ew that sounds so barf. mine is in the middle of dan’s mighty paws.

see? loves me.

ok more later.

++++

“i have something to say, you are all annoying assholes.”

Raymi,

I’m not a professional blogger or responder or anything. I don’t know what I’m doing when I respond, I’m just responding. I’m sure it’s obvious to you because my responses are so insipid and long: I apologize for that. The truth is that I don’t really know how long they should be or what they should be. I notice you giving me advice and brief constructive criticism (thanks): it’s helpful. I just don’t want to be a db either and I certainly don’t want to be an annoying asshole. I was thinking of just not responding at all anymore because I don’t really feel like developing a teflon veneer outside of work to match the one I have to wear there all the time. I could make candy-assed lame-O responses that won’t get anyone going, but I already hate the ones I read that are like that. However, with those, I’d be safely innocuous and irrelevant rather than innocuous and irrelevant with a giant bullseye on my petite-fleur ass. I’m just not sure what anything is about anymore.

I’ve been working on a novel for three years now. Before I start writing, I like to read news and do a crossword puzzle or sudoku. I happened upon Phil’s site because I was googling something, I noted that he looked a bit like my b/f and then found a link your blog. Besides thinking immediately that it was awesome, the other first things I noticed were: douche, bi bim bop, your hatred of hippies and mac’n’cheese – all things dear to my heart. I also take pictures of food before I eat it – especially if I make it. Now, I’ve been responding: for better or worse. My day-job is a PM for IT software dev. in SW Michigan. It sucks; but it pays the bills, and I’m good at it. I love Canada only because I could get married there: here in the US, I’m still dog-shit, evidently.

You prolly get this type of shit all the time in your email, so I’ll say bye for now.

Thanks,
H

i love getting this shit especially when i have the time to read and enjoy it like i just did dont not comment for the wrong reasons henry i like what you have to say

thanks buddy!!

another fine day in the blogosphere

Hi Raymi -

Cannot believe I wrote blogosphere. Anyhow, it seemed appropriate since I just wanted to to drop you a line saying I commiserate with you over dealing with the nasty comment folks. Your response seems right on to me.

I have always appreciate the comparison of a blog/website/forum etc… to being like an open house party. Everyone is invited but if you act like a jerk, insult the host, her friends – you get kicked out (in this case comment deleted). I suffer from foot in mouth disease, but I am never cruel or judgmental on someone’s blog. It is their space and I am just a visitor.

So thanks for doing what you do and saying what you said.

Seska

+++

this guy is amazing.