when fil dropped me off at shoppers i noticed my fly was down, so that means when i got out of the bathroom at the doctor’s office it was down the entire time, and then i walked by the bad kids (sent to the dumb no future alternative school) in the parking lot playing hacky sack and it was down and then on the corner i almost got hit by a car cos this woman couldn’t decide if she was going to pass me (walking) on the right or left so we did the hokey pokey a couple times just seconds after i did up my fly.

an undone fly has the power to make you feel like such an incredible loser, i’m trying to think of an equivalent, tripping in front of strangers?

did i ever blog about the time i fell down the entire flight of stairs at erin mills town centre after the late movie showing of romeo and juliet and everyone was spilling out of the theatre into the empty mall when i was in grade seven and beginning my transformation into cool tweenager and one guy exploded into laughter and his mouth made the PUH sound and then everyone laughed and my friends didn’t even notice so i was all alone on an island of pure mortification?

i was walking all smug thinking in my head how everyone had to be checking me out because i was wearing high heel penny loafers (I KNOW!) and then i slipped and rolled all the way down the stairs with my left hand on the railing like i had those wheels in my shoes that all the kids have these days i wish i could go back in time and have my brother there with me cos his laughing at me would overpower everyone else and then we would be like a variety show together, if my mom were there i would have just run away and hid in one of those huge mall planters.

i just bought new lipstick that is probably a terrible shade for me, coral pinkish, and i bought new nail polish what is it with my affinity for uber tacky stripper nail polish i just can’t get it right. i didn’t want to try on the lipstick before i bought it just drew it on my hand and went yep this is it! the drugstore lady is such a vacuum cleaner salesman she is always trying to guilt me into buying extra things and telling me about promotions and other shit, she is at least really nice to me unlike all the other girls at the cosmetics booth who get insanely irritated when you go up to them to pay for your stuff there instead of at the regular check-out lane. one of these days i am going to say something i have so much saved up rage over these chicks, like sorry for interrupting your standing still meditation but i noticed you are actually at work right now not working could you quite possibly i dunno DO THAT and swipe this hair conditioner so i can get the hell out of here that would be really nice.

this is my most favourite youtube video.

ps. tonite is so totally sober nite i have been suffering from the worst boomerang hangover all goddamn day.

pps. an adrenaline surge of rage just skyrocketed to my brain and private parts i just saw an ad for the fifth estate, a special on animal cruelty specifically circus animals, some guy whipping an elephant and another dude scrunching an ape’s face with his bare hand, i would totally murder someone if that happened anywhere close to me, i mean it, i would tackle and beat the shit out of them and slam their head into pavement i hope someone out there is doing it for me right now.

i just spent the last half hour being irritated out of my fucking mind by oprah and every guest on her show having to do with that juno movie.

i want to marinate in the tub but i am too lazy to even do that i don’t feel like dealing with wet hair today.

stupid shirt i wore last nite, stupid because i had to wear a tank top under it cos an important load-bearing string fell out of the collar so it opens up on my tits and all nite long i felt dumpy and constricted.

good news everyone i don’t have cervical cancer or anything like that vagina-related and my pee is normal too so maybe my kidney isn’t fucked, it [urine] will be sent out for a culture test just in case and i’ll hear back in two days what’s up with it, and i have a requisition for another ultrasound.

the mgmt cd is amazing! and i am loving 101 reykjavik right now, i just discovered it is also a movie, i have to see it too i feel so behind in the times.

my copy has this cover. oh and of course damon albarn did the soundtrack for the movie.

i talked to bruce mcdonald last nite everyone was really impressed that i didn’t fuck that one up, usually i’m 0 for 9 i wish i knew baseball terminology what am i trying to say here?

kyra just draws pictures of me all day long how romantic her life must be.

if you haven’t casted your vote yet please go do that!

here’s where you go to do that:

vote for me for best blog.

vote for me for best personal blog.

vote for me for best humour blog.

ps. go vote for philogynist for best photo/art blog!

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funny shreddies commercials my old pal hunter wrote and directed.

i’m at the mod club and fancy food keeps coming up to me i’m by the stage for the music makes it omdc/nxne thing, im babysitting the table with everyone’s shit on it pretty good score there being a laptop here ‘n all, fil is “working” the event with his camera, the sadies are playing, royal wood and sarah slean? i don’t like my outfit at all. i will update in a minute after i check my comments. this is an industry event, rsvp only so don’t all come running down here or anything.

i was all amped for it to be sober nite but now i am drinking crappy red wine here are all the things i have eaten since i got here and i didn’t have to stand up once:

1 teeny weeny burger the size of two thumbnails with an even teenier roasted red pepper on it and dijon mustard

3 gorgonzola cheese w/ mushrooms and sweet onion on melba toast (they keep coming by here i keep saying yes)

1 prosciutto wrapped chicken thing on a bamboo toothpick

1 salmon wrapped around some cream cheese? on a long skinny crusty stick

and right now i am looking at a guy who looks like clint eastwood, this laptop is ancient.

i think the servers are purposely moving past me cos they think i’m greedy the old chicks beside me keep scarfing it all up and the plates come by me empty wtf i am in a fight with them now they just don’t know it. this is the grossest wine. i don’t like sitting here by myself anymore the novelty has passed, tiffany and brad are here loading down their stuff. oh yay look another empty plate going by. ok one server just came to me she has my back, everyone along this wall must be full as hell by now, it’s less scary serving to people who are sitting down i guess. i remember i did work at an “event” once it sucks, you feel invisible all nite long and you just want to be singled out and noticed for more than the black shirt you are wearing, then people get nice to you halfway through the nite and you feel special then you realise they only want you to serve them faster than everyone else that’s the only reason why they are being nice, oh and cos they’re drunk, what a drag.

here comes britt and wendi.

i just had a mini pizza and another lamb thing oh yeah i had two lamb things on melba toast with feta on top ok no more.

wendi gave me a mgmt cd.

ok this is gay i’m going to stop updating now.

1 more salmon thing mmmmmmmm.

and now i’m alone again.

LOSER.

oh brad came back with some white wine (for himself), tiffany said i heard you had the spins last nite. everyone is cruising the room going in circles then coming back here again, wendi’s like i’ll let you work. ha! work, dude i’m blogggging.

1 more salmon thing.

my hair is still wet i feel like a bag lady i’m wearing a dumpy peasant shirt, we had to hurry to get here for fil and i had to finish doing my makeup in the bathroom here, fil psyched me out of wearing the outfit i wanted to wear – shorts, heels, socks, some sort of shirt.

tiffany is taking pictures of me i look like a cow in every single one.

there i just turned down a lamb melba toast go me.

i finished my wine.

britt said i am like carrie from sex and the city right now.

ok signing off for real now i mean it. ha yeah right.

there are “famous” (within the industry) people milling around here i can’t make many of them out over the glare from the screen. i should live-blog more often cos then i would actually have a memory of all the funny things i thought once i thought them.

i just ate a caramelized onions/gorgonzola cheese thing two bites w/o swallowing then stuffed a hot prosciutto wrapped chicken thing in my mouth this is nuts i have to leave this table some guy is on stage now talking about omdc.

gill just gave me her sweater to wear.

i should have worn more necklaces.

royal wood is getting ready to play now.

gill is getting me another shitty wine now.

there are 6 competing photographers at the front of the stage i bet they all hate each other.

oh i like this royal wood song.

everyone is going for a smoke now, not me, i checked my coat, it’s too cold, and i’m not wasted.

gill is wearing a betsy johnson dress she got for 150 originally 400 i’m supposed to tell you that. it’s 6.46 now i’ve been here since 5. royal wood finished, sadies next.

i was just reading this messageboard trashing me, a bunch of political cronies, one said they have kids in their 20s and apparently i’m no longer relevant and considered a joke – that’s funny, when did that happen? based on how retarded and unjustifiably smug these douchebags are, i can only imagine how big the loserness of their kids is. what have their kids accomplished? i made my own fucking niche fuck you!

they seem to really believe that i think my art is over-the-top talent as well. how incredibly stupid. ps. messageboard party? go have an affair or something already you sad bastards.

fil’s pants are ripped again, he crouched too hard i guess.

shedoesthecity made me a nice collage. why do i want to say it SHEDOC? shedock. sounds fun in your mouth.

oh and on thursday there will be a write-up on me and my art show in xtra. i think that’s the right link.

in case you were wondering how i reply to emails here is an example i am a little bit proud of:

how old are you guys
are you fat and ugly
stilton
what is irish bacon

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bet you didn’t know it was KELLY RIPA TIME!

you know, i’m not a box set type of guy but i would actually consider purchasing the entire series collection of hope&faith if it existed, and i wasn’t even into it when it was on initially, i force us to watch reruns whenever they’re on does this make me a loser?

vote for me for best blog.

vote for me for best personal blog.

vote for me for best humour blog.

unlike last year you only get ONE VOTE per round and thank god for that, it started today and you have ’til the 21st to vote for me then round 1 is over and then round 2 begins.

ps. go vote for philogynist for best photo/art blog!

i am going to practice wearing my new heels now.

on my way for a tan yesterday i heard a cat mewling and mewling and i was wearing sunglasses because i didn’t wash my face or anything, makeup eyes from the nite before, i wanted to actually tan my face this time as well, anyway, i was walking looking down trying to be as invisible as possible but this cat is meowing and meowing and breaking my heart so i stop in front of this frat house around the corner and there is a cat up on the roof by a window meowing every five seconds so i walk up to the house and start pounding on the huge heavy door (Eliz the house you got weed from) then the window then i notice a doorbell and press it too and this huge fat (older, too old for living in a frat house, we see him cooking hamburgers sometimes on the porch) guy answers, i take down my hood to be more official (but keep my glasses on) and ask if a cat lives in this building he says yes i say well there is a cat on the roof meowing to be let in come with me so he follows me out across the street and i point at this farm-looking cat and he says oh that’s baxter i say can you please let him in it is breaking my heart he says yeah sure and i walk away really slow to time it so he is let in as i am walking away and i can still hear him meowing in my head even though i am four blocks away.

i was a bit antsy about daylight running out cos i didn’t want to look like a weirdo wearing glasses at nite even though we wear sunglasses on cloudy days all the time.

that is my story.

movie nite casualty.

an entire bottle i brought over which in hindsight i am happy about seeing as i had the spins wicked bad when we got home, no more white wine for raymi!

it was that cigarette too!

don’t forget to vote!

i should win because i faced my talking to strangers fear and rescued a cat that was left out in the cold.

here is a cute part from my email exchange with an internet buddy:

he wanted to break up with me because i called him a smug bastard, a dickhead and other things which i wholeheartedly felt he was being. to give you an idea of how right i was, at one point during our fallout, he strutted around the living room, clapping his hands at around head height. when i enquired as to what the fuck he was doing, he replied ”i am applauding your behaviour”!!! so of course i laughed (because that is really funny…poor guy) and told him that he was coming off as a smug bastard. he wanted to leave the room but i vetoed that by standing in the way. so he pushed me, hard against the wall which was alarming…he is a gentle guy usually, and its me that could cause the most mellow of characters to become violent…so.. anyway, i went out and had a lovely day, and came home and he didnt know if he loved me anymore. the first thing i said was ”ok, when are you moving out then?” he said he’d start looking for somewhere tomorrow… well i thought about it for a while and the thing is, i dont want to be without him. so i told him i’d rather cut my head off than live without him. i sort of meant just live in the flat..i didnt mean i would kill myself if he left or anything as deranged. then i told him he meant everything to me. then i farted by accident, a really cute button one. this apparently endeared me to him and he declared i love you! and so the ridiculous cycle goes…

i am just going to try to be really nice for a while.

vote for me for best blog.

vote for me for best personal blog.

vote for me for best humour blog.

unlike last year you only get ONE VOTE per round and thank god for that, it started today and you have ’til the 21st to vote for me then round 1 is over and then round 2 begins.

ps. go vote for philogynist for best photo/art blog!

26 things i am not grateful for using the alphabet

avril lavigne (hey hey you you i’m a fucking douchebag)

barbara streisand (although i did learn from her that her preferred profile is the left side of her face and will only be interviewed from sitting in a chair with the left side of her face toward the camera i don’t even know how i know this but since have decided that the left side of my face is better than the right side)

coconuts (completely useless sweetish watery hairy milk well i guess not completely uselss re: thai cuisine lay off me i’m trying here)

ducks (other than for eating, what good are they? when was the last time a duck ever did something of benefit for you?)

elliptical machine (hey good for you you’re really good at using that elliptical machine you have lost ZERO pounds though no matter you’re a fucking champ at looking like you are cross country skiing while watching maury povich.)

fig newtons (ew. this family we grew up being friends with always had these disgusting cookies that i could never figure out, basically snacks for old people with dentures and no sense of taste)

grape leaves (hey lets make some nice rice and completely ruin it by stuffing it into grape leaves!)

harry potter (sorry, once a kid shows genitalia the magic’s over, that goes for that high school musical slut too, which coincidentally is also an H word).

iguana (no thanks i’ll pass on the salmonella little buddy ps. if i wanted a pet that looked like a dinosaur i would build a time machine.)

jack johnson (bu doo doo buh doo doop bu doodily doo doo i am sitting on a beach cut to video of me surfing now im walking around without shoes i am really good looking and about as interesting as a jar of jam).

kelly ripa (ok i am actually thankful for her she is my number 1 guilty pleasure right now aside from the girls next door i am too lazy to think of a k word)

Lesbian tv shows (seriously there are a million of them right now and they are all terrible and unrealistic)

Monkey wrench (stupid song, fun to play on guitar hero, still, very irritating and makes me think of greasy teenagers)

people who think they like/d Nirvana more than me.

Oprah (thanks for brainwashing my mother)

Pubic hair (thanks for ingrown hairs)

Quality time (what? this will have to be a blog post for another day)

Rocks off (if i ever hear someone say that they need to or want to get their “rocks off” i will get some rocks and bounce them OFF their head)

sepultura (sorry pantera is better and you don’t even like sepultura you just say you do cos they seem like the obvious pairing with pantera)

tarantula (explanation not required)

i need a u word

violence (i know i know i know!)

wal-mart (fuck you guys)

zits

feel free to list your own, i got lazy in the end.