i’m drunk off one glass of wine i refuse to not drink when sick i smite you sickness! anyway i just spent the last ten minutes arguing with fil about nutria and how i know they exist because of that show insomniac (we just watched dave attell’s captain miserable (favouritest comedian)) but anyway the point of this post is to tell you guys about how i figured out how to get fil to stop pissing me off whenever he’s doing something bad like tickling me putting his balls in my eyes farting on my lap and so on, all i have to say is I’LL DO SOMETHING YOU WON’T LIKE! and he screams NOOOO DON’T DOOO SOMETHING I WON’T LIKE! and immediately stops doing whatever heinous act he is amidst doing. in his anal uptight easy to upset sagittarius (you’re welcome leslie) mind when i make that vague threat he thinks the most alarmist of things like i’m going to:

STICK MY FINGER IN MY VAGINA (and i’m on my period) AND WIPE IT ON HIS LEG (ok i may or may not have already done that once as a joke) (he deserved it)

UN-HANG ALL OF HIS CLOTHES

TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF HIS WALLET AND PUT THE CONTENTS SOMEWHERE “WACKY” (i know super harmless and no big deal right? WRONG!)

SMACK MY LIPS A FEW TIMES AND SIGH A LOT

LIE ON THE FLOOR AND SING IN FRENCH WEARING ONLY A T-SHIRT

you get the idea, anyway, if your bf is like fil, just threaten him that YOU will DO SOMETHING he WON’T LIKE and he’ll fuck right off asap, i promise.

making appearances in your readers’ dreams

Cheers,
Daniel

i did not watch ratatouille yet i DID watch the nanny diaries, another brilliant idea, it’s basically my goal in life to watch every garbage movie ever made when i am at my weakest. last nite it was balls of fury. i played some guitar hero 3 then i had a shower. i shaved my legs. shit’s exciting in these parts right now. we are going on an adventure once fil showers. i ate a honey garlic sausage on its own in tiny slices and put a few pieces of brie on some. good combo. i would put brie on anything. dfliayhewrg;unb jk ldfbnwrlak/

even when deliriously ill i still put on makeup i refuse to let myself go if i didn’t wear makeup i would looke like that garbage lady in labryinth.

aw.

oh my god i’m so stir crazy and sick sick sick i just want to die at this point and now i am on my full-blown menses yay!

i’m turning into one of those crazy ladies who takes pictures of giant birds that land on branches near their windows.

cid mewls his head off to be let into the towel closet everyday after lunch, i couldn’t bother yesterday (he can let himself in fucking lazy ass!) so he found an alternative.

earlier in the morning this dude was hanging around too.

stupid idea.

mushroom onion (fake) burger, v. good.

my mitts were stuffed in my hat and i forgot about it and this one guy passing by looked at me with raised eyebrows and i was thinking yeah i know it I’M HOT then go back inside to take off my hat and find my goddamn stupid stuffed mitts in there making it more dumb looking than usual.

i think i’m getting a fever.

i stabbed the inside of my right nostril from picking stuff out of there and now it is gushing blood. party.

canadiandesignresource.ca i pillaged this site of cute designs of all things canadiana made by canadian artists, all so darling. visit and scroll back through previous pages to find out what these things are, if not immediately obvious, or just for more info.

i just barfed my head off, it was quick and sudden, my favourite. i had two teas with honey and lemon and a teeny bit of milk, i’m thinking that combo was not a good choice and the pressure on my stomach/sides from coughing constantly for the last three days was like a bulimic just thinking about barfing and up the fountain came. i watched shrek the third and started live blogging it then realised how pathetic that was so i killed that post. i called fil and left a sucky voice message please come home wah wah i hope i don’t barf again. i’m going to have a bath and then maybe drag my ass to a clinic. last nite i made hot toddy’s but with whiskey instead of brandy, then felt nauseous for the rest of the nite. today rules! hey at least it’s a blizzard outside and i keep thinking i am going to be dead by the end of the day right?

i will likely watch ratatouille next after my bath. don’t be jeals.

we watched the invasion last nite. i want to be a skeleton like nicole kidman and wear tiny sweaters with teeny tiny belts around my waist.

i had a seizure when i was a toddler during a blizzard, i was dehydrated from barfing a lot due to an ear infection, so this barf/blizzard is bringing me some wicked mental images right now! that is all.

cheeseburger in a can keep scrolling.

this is how much of a loser i am. i sat across from GABRIEL BYRNE at fresh by myself today and stared at him 677078 times and wussed out of taking his picture he looked at me a lot too with intrigue perhaps or maybe with stop looking at me eye contact pleading? anyway i took my time collecting all the take out items i ordered so my body was facing him and one of his buddies turns around to look at me (they were checking out everyone there) and i sort of half smile but am too shy to look at gabriel again so i duck out get to the corner of bloor and spadina (on my way for a tan) and notice that MY FLY IS DOWN.

SAME CORNER I NOTICED IT WAS DOWN LAST WEEK WHEN FIL DROPPED ME OFF.

FUCK YOU THE CORNER OF BLOOR AND SPADINA.

if you need me i will be in my loser cave.

to my left was where he was sitting against the wall.

at least i got an old tenner out of it.

and yes the irony is not lost on me that i was at fresh alone in the annex and had to ask a waitress who that guy was that i kept staring at and can you take his picture for me ? no you have to treat them like normal people? ok then. and my voice was sick husky raspy and then when i went for my tan all my food diffused throughout the room and travelled in through the fan at the foot of the bed and blasted me in the hot sweaty face for 8 SUPERbed minutes and i was already hot and flushed feeling from being sick to begin with it almost matched the last time i went where i thought i was going to crap the tanning bed the entire time.

oh and the environmentally sound take-out container containing my dosas decided to totally disintigrate so i had to carry the see-thru plastic bag of food home what looked like a huge bag full of barf.

i am never going outside ever again.

how would YOU feel if your fly was down in front of this guy?

FUCK MY LIFE!

when i got to the tanning salon i looked in the mirror and realised i didn’t look as dweeby as i felt and i bet he would have been charmed by me in some shape or form.

alack, yet another thing i have pussied out of.

me: sigh
is it tuesday?
oh its thursday

me: yes

that’s the fil shrine.

literally 1 minute later:

there were even a few seconds there when we were pretending not to be complete pigs and let the few last bites sit there then came to our senses and wolfed it all down. best calamari ever.

five mintues later:

lookin’ pretty sick ‘n bagged.

halfway:

seven minutes later, only because i had to move closer to fil so i could eat as much as him (which took at least 30 seconds), and it was super hot temperature-wise.

didn’t order a side of rice i am proud of us for that. our bill came to 50 bones (pre-tip), i had a glass of house red and fil had a pint of steamwhistle. next celebration dinner will be spent at either mini or supermarket, instead of somewhere retardedly gauche and we only get to have one thing each.

i prefer skinnier cats fyi. but sometimes life just isn’t fair.

fil is going to murder me when he gets home.i almost had to get up at 5.30am and stay up cos it felt like i was in a swallowing contest by myself trying to swallow my own throat and then the coughing kicked in, i was going to write a blog post about how i am in a movie about sunrises because i am awake before daybreak on the couch because i am sick and blah blah bla then i couldn’t get the word sunrise out of my fucking head and almost mania’d myself fully awake and then cid showed up for the purring feed me olympics where he tries to look like a paraplegic wombat and won’t shut up until i force myself to fall asleep.

one of my internet girlfriends sent me a picture of her new furry jacket and now i want to get out of bed and go to kensington market and get a red eskimo jacket RIGHT NOW I DON’T CARE HOW TERRIBLE I FEEL I NEED TO GO SHOPPING.

i have zero willpower if you send me a picture of basically ANYTHING i will not stop thinking about it until i buy something to make the want go away.

we ate at mini market last nite not at the place i was s-talking about in my last post, i love mini market. the grilled calamari we ate in 1 minute, gone. pictures with time-stamps later.

deborah sent me this get better e-card and i am so pathetic right now i really felt like he cared about me.