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hey buddies ol friends ol pals ol chums, how the heck are ya? me? oh fine fine, thanks for asking. this is me an hour ago waiting for the train. what else is new. we STILL do not have our internet fixed. the variety of excuses we’ve received from our internet provider is at this point, actual comedy. remember the other day when i said they think they are comedians? strike that. try, ARE comedians. yesterday’s reason, IT’S TOO DARK BACK THERE (no flashlights!?!??!?!)(!!!!??!?!??) and then this morning THERE’S A TREE (how did you install the shit then!?!) i’m not mentioning their name yet until the problem is once and for all resolved and THEN i will tear them a new one. i realized via dooce’s blog post about maytag that it could be an abuse of power to start slagging and really at the end of the day, they do have us by the balls. we are nothings. i have never felt so homeless and insane like i have the past 3 weeks because of this. one disruption in the cosmos and everything can and for surely will, go to shit. just watch the rest of this post, you’ll see. for my every victory i am met with nine tall-ass hurdles that i can’t jump i just walk through them hitting my forehead into each fucking one. i really won’t be surprised the day i break a bone (knock on wood) get hit by a car (knock knock) you know? as i was sitting on my bed today sighing out loud into the room about having to go annoy everyone at poor john’s for the third day in a row now (wifi) or meet melodie wherever she was at and then click, power in my room goes out. all is dark in the tickle trunk. well, i had many more hours of daylight but i knew that i’d be stuck in the dark, with no internet if i stayed the night, or go out, in search of trouble. i could hang in the other part of the house but i am in the wombat stage of my winter stir crazy marathon of wanting to be in a tiny dark bunker alone until my pmess goes away but then i lost light, and power and heat and it’s freezing. i have a baseboard heater but i wanted to crank the other one cos i’ve had a chill the last two days. just picture me though is the funny part, woe is me down on my luck and then the heater made the funny beep when the breaker blows and the power goes out. what’s next!

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i will just keep rambling if i don’t interrupt with photos. holy buzzkill up there much eh.

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gandalf spicoli oh yeah.

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my newest friends, minx nails oh what a match-made in brand cross-promotional heaven this is gonna be. i loved absolutely everything about my experience being did by kathy (who was summoned to lady gaga’s hotel room when she was in town for the mmvas) was, kind of surreal? magical? yes. totally both those things. icing on the cake? this girl is an old school hardcore girl. i hope she comes to our adventurehouse party i know melodie will adore her and i’ll get left out like the little simpleton sister i get treated like by those two all the time hahaha. by the way i hope YOU come to advhaus party too. salvador darling. 9pm. SHITSHOW. it’s our second one.

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i wanted burberry plaid. i wonder if they will get it or can or if it even exists at all, maybe i hallucinated it? very likely.

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i feel like i have discoball soccerball nails and that the entire universe is looking at me, oh wait it’s because i do and they are. on the go train here i felt like a spotlight was pointed on me. i already look the complete opposite of every single person on the train all the time enough, but add my nice huge steve madden hobo chic bag and wacky laptop bag my hair and look at me vibes, these nails, taking pictures of myself. hahaha. i used to longboard all over the oakville go train station in the summer in my bikini top, good times.

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taught myself how to longboard on the beach strand in los angeles. i was insane. i asked my dad what he thought about charlie sheen right now and he said so what (so right) if he had money he’d be insane too, then he started joke babbling while driving and saying nonsensical shit and i busted up laughing. totally. i wish people wouldn’t grant him interviews right now though, i feel that’s slightly (egregiously) unfair. nancy grace? of course. poor taste pays that woman’s bills yo.

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now that i’ve seen them in action i see that the biggest is the bestest way to do it if this is available to you why would you get a simple design? boring. i want hamburgers and rubies and sparkles and cotton candy tufts little lulu’s candy dreamland cartoon, so ancient that reference is, anyway. cute it up.

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whoopsie-doo. how good was hamburgers and rubies though, i know right.

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reminds me of pravda, absinthe bar in new orleans.

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cutesy props. wonder what the next one to go around for girly songstresses will be? hmmmm. trend forecasting hat on.

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i played in these. remindded me of pee wee herman’s salon in the movie blow, located in manhattan beach where i lived for a month. amazing to stick your head in that window and see the scenes from the movie while kids go by on skinny boards exactly like the knife heartbeats video.

The Knife – Heartbeats from Johannes Nyholm on Vimeo.

it was an interesting time that’s for sure.

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this was an amazing panini. the super nice kid put pepper flakes and some hot powder on it, salami and roast vegetables, spinach. yum. he was really nice. i said i was crazy and liked a lot of heat. then i sat in the sunny window and almost had an anxiety attack from the heat in my black jumper haha. not really but i am so extreme and high maintenance. ridiculous. so is melodie. i joined her over at her desk and put my elbow into my plate and catapulted my sandwich scraps onto my arm, they all stuck, everything else machine gun splatted onto my pants. white sandwich crumbs popping off my black one piece. perfect.

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the guy sat down and flirted with me a bit. i assume everyone in parkdale thinks i am insane for just like, being. there are a lot of characters in our midst. you get a contact buzz just from living there, not a buzz exactly, like a, if you spend 3 weeks without the internet shuffling to and fro from your dads and coffeeshops, yeah you certainly do start to feel insane.

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i asked melodie where i was so i could text/tell my colleague. she’s like, can you ask someone else?? in front of the entire coffeeshop. i pretended to be passive aggressive about it. she didn’t notice. a guy laughed though cos i kept it comical and really, i am a clown, an adorable shambles of a person you so totally cannot be mean to me. really, it’s like swearing at a puppy. you may as well be satan.

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i was walking to i don’t know where, it was cold i was going to hit whatever looked the most inviting. then i saw this hunched over extremo-stressed out looking girl with melodie’s haircut, no wait, that IS melodie. i went in and was like, you look scary. hahaha. she was on a deadline. school is scary man. no way thank you i’ll stick to backflips and high kicks in stupid useless loser bubblegumdropland.

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went to cafetaste with courtney last night. i love hanging with her, she’s so feisty and unpredictable. i’m glad we’re friends. she has good quotes. her last one i want to go on our next advhaus party flyer I ALMOST DIED BUT, I LOVE ADVENTUREHOUSE. hahahhaa. wonder what she’ll say next friday.

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my dreamy walk home. ahhhhhhhhh.

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oh stop girl why you bein so shy now.

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water closet. piss room. you can hang out in the hippie commune while people walk by or have a lovely chat while they boil the kettle (my new nemesis) in the kitchen.

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kathy says i have amazing nail beds. model nail beds. demo nail beds. ooooooooooh la la. she screeched in glee when i came in, she’d already looked over my blog. insta-friend.

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you look 4000% hotter holding things with these on. candles. bananas. oranges. cucumbers. haha.

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they last ten days. do not at all damage your fingernails. i went to this place on dundas, heartbreaker by barbarella 889 dundas st w, 4 1 6 8 6 9 0 4 4 0 (when i type phone numbers i get blasted with skype spam wtf? so i have to space type out the phone number. cool!)

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very gwen stefani lately.

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i look like the geico gecko. gnecco? jimmy gnecco ghecco? whatever.

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sponsored by vans.

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avril lavigne approved.

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nice face crazy. CRAZY HOT MORE LIKE!

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the ones in the packets are the newest designs. they have the ones alexander mcqueen designed. silver monochrome. mmmmmhmmmm gerl. i got my nails did so i talk like this now alright accept it. holy fuck look at that coug print. check out their photo album. i am going to have my toenails done for summer then i’ll be a bubblegum princess nightmare forever and i’ll start partying with charlie sheen.

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RiRi had these Benjamins. yuh yuh! i will get them next time and gold fronts.

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and then next i’ll go baby doll pink something or other. kathy brought out this little display as we left and the nails had rainbow donut sprinkles covering EVERYTHING. i died.

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a chick (hey amanda) at the station saw me taking a picture of my nails and chatted me up then i noticed her bag and said no wonder you were drawn to me and my nails. i don’t believe in much in life but i do believe in subconscious instances, people’s vibes and energy. ok whatever.

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cafetaste‘s cavernous underbelly. i had to leave the city. i’d go out and be a wastecase if i didn’t, no internet for me is satan dropping pandora’s box on me. i mean come on, look at my “work life” can you even begin to imagine what my secret real life is like? yes and yes probably i bet.

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but then to balance everything out in the cosmos, when you’re up, ya cannae bee tee up there lassies. ok i am irish now but anyway, i had horrendous cramps and practically sob marched all the way home in the dark at midnight hoping i wouldn’t get jumped and i looked all over the house for this water bottle, the kids weren’t home to take care of me i texted to see if they could tell me what vortex black hole sucked up the water bottles (for some reason we have a lot of water bottles here) and they said on their bed and then in my over-eagerness to pour the kettle into the water bottle i poured a liter of it onto my entire hand where i was holding the lip of the water bottle open. i scalded myself. badly. it’s scarlet red today, no blisters but close. it was burnt so badly that cold water stung it. no relief. even now it still stings, feels so dry and sore i may as well have slammed it in a car door. i said to kathy my canadian celebrity nail minxologist how great would it be if i had come in with a cast mitt on this one hand? no kidding right. so then i had an even worse problem than the cramps which let me tell you, were significant enough. enough to warrant a fucking hot water bottle after sharing wine and having rounds of vodka sodas and a bit of pot, still not enough but then i got to sleep with ice packs and this stupid hot water bottle too. i woke up at 6 in the morning to pee and clutching the water bottle and the freezer pack was now room temperature and i was like, what the f–? then the pain came back to my hand. oh, that’s right i forgot, my life is awesome.

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blue eyed silver fox gave me the furry buffalo freebie that came with the bottle of sweetgrass vodka he brought back from amsterdam. we mixed it with pear and san pel. SO GOOD. i rejoined pof and within 24 hours over 200 messages. he was the first date i went on. beginner’s luck. i’m afraid to go back on it.

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i dressed like kevin smith today.

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jeremy (cafe taste) chose this for us. nice white. the kitchen was closed so i didn’t pig out at all yesterday. it was trying especially when i’m pmess and have no internet. i don’t grocery shop i just live off of coffee and weed but when you spend hours in a coffeeshop with a delicious menu and great coffee, good luck will power. i have successfully avoided the two adorable craft beers on tap though. day time drinking is for yuppies.

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my aunt’s trench. melodie loves it. i knew she would. now i can use this to barter something out of her collection. i’ve never had a sister before but i am learning. i get kind of incredulous about how we treat each other or make jokes, we are severe. i realize that everyone else who isn’t us, is a legit sensitive pussy. so maybe i need to watch my mouth a little more hahaha.

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i have two tickets to this i left them on their bed. i will be missing it (thanks bell!) so go tell them raymi says hi, find louise. i mean it. get me a gift bag too melodie.

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i’m in a league with lady gaga and katy perry now, rihana. yeah i know i know i am nothing compared to them but still, “it’s all happening man.” kathy was very impressed by me. she had a great song selection on her ipod. so whatcha want came on and i casually said i could rap the entire song and then i did. she told me about every minx design she did on friends and celebrities. girl nail pr0n is great in photos but in action, wow. you go into that world and you don’t come up for air until you are done. royally. photoman was there but he so wasn’t you know?

alright meow going deeper into the vortex.

homelessly yours, your pal raymi.

xo

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have no idea what we’re eating here. might be blue menu veggie chili. boring!

breaking in my burlesque shoes and dancing self consciously while lucas pretends to ignore me on the computer. it was also boiling hot this day i believe. those are steph’s teeny tiny shorts. i am a whale.

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me yesterday. i think rhymes with Hell internet service thinks they’re comedians or something. ARRRRRRRRRRGH!

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i wore obscene pants and i walked half the city in them and i may or may not have been purposely moving in sync with my music jutting my hip bones to and fro, practicing my catwalk. ladies you never ever know when that comes in handy. along king street to niagara. done.

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some film PA guys with gear on the sidewalk saw me coming for ‘em just before bathurst, three of them, cute, scruffy, my docs and thoroughbred legs, stomp stomp smile, pretend they are invisible too shy to engage.

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pretty good view. of the water and the island, the skaters on the harbourfront kind of like disneyland lit up at night and in the morning super early a few ice skaters. that’s sort of insane but admirable all the same.

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where do you find ‘em haha. i dunno, just do.

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turkey thing. matched my nails.

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then i gave up on walking.

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i don’t even think this cabbie got the irony of these mats.

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hilarious and unexpected.

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some more crap i’m getting rid of. my burlesque bottoms. they’re clean, relax.

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matching nipple pasties too, rose petals. you can be an anne geddes baby slut.

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if you can make it out it’s my infamous courtney love trainreck dress. size 6. conceals everything.

jesus christ hahahahha.

i’m a method actor okay. this could be you.

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this peachy pink thing, size eight. i wore it once. for an hour.

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bought this in vancouver at a vintage store. good for stacked chicks.

and in action.

CUL8R!

oh wait please tell me how to check my voicemail. i don’t know the number. there’s a 2 in my password. two button doesn’t work. this is like one of those problem solving riddles FROM HELL!

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that is all.

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aw nice i got the one birthday balloon.

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sparkles everywhere perfect for the narnia ice queen that i am.

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wonder where they all landed. ha.

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hey it’s nuit blanche!

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the kids are alright.

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i lost my every accessory upon coming into the periphery of hailey and mary lynne. oh well. hailey even made off with my handmade sock slippers. i am a sucker. she does it to my mom all the time too.

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my outfit was pretty ridiculous.

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my old world map, from whence i came, rohan welshy.

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my hair was also a disaster. i never learn. too short to crimp!

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found a legally blond pink little blazer in my aunt’s goody bag of give-aways. her clogs too. pumped.

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guess who’s getting minx nails this week.

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oh you two.

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dear aunt alison

subject: clogs

they fit perfect

i have a distinct memory of them from when i was four and i first put it together that you were a cool bohemian vibrant chick. they were in the tiny smart foyer of cedar grove and i was playing with the dollhouse or something on the floor. i think it’s great i now get to wear them.

you just aided me in the breaking of 1000 hearts this upcoming summer. i hope you are prepared to take on this guilt like a good comrade.

cant wait to dive through the rest.

duncs says hey,

love lauren.

Hey!

Have a great visit!
Cheers and love to you and yer Dad too!
XX
A

have a chill. time for a hot bath. i leave you with this item. almost too embarrassing to post. almost. footage of one of my last long hair nights.

photos from this day/night/period of twenty four hours.

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bath time. then oscars!

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hi there now, Burnoutington hangover sunday nest reporting, making contact.

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this was a surreal experience, bittersweet on a quiet beautiful snowy night, all the women in tiaras, on her birthday. everyone holding a balloon representative of a year of this special woman’s life. that’s two times this month i’ve held a symbolic white object to form a human body birthday cake.

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grief and love. sometimes you just don’t know what to say.

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my bro and i as the twin towers. an appropriate familial stance. i jacked the term from darius, alright alright.

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her kids are kind of awesome and now i have new friends. in burnoutington! the cast of people here have been friends since they were in kindergarden, neighbourhood gang. like how we were on falconer. one of their brood, a key member, is who they lost.

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we celebrated her 50th here 3 years ago. the sign rachel made for her mom for it, in pristine condition.

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rachel’s bf reminded us of my ex, the one with a camera and a black shirt, saying nothing much really. he’s a cool guy though, nuked one of the hundred dessert brownies i ate. oh god. i actually barfed last night after all of this. i am a binge eater. i should be on one of those shows. my brother and i and everyone gorged. i don’t even want to show you the stacks of food we created thank god i am not italian if i had to go to family functions all the time (and they’re all the time cos the family is huge and everyone’s married with babies by the time they get their periods and then there’s christenings and other ridiculous bullshit and food is how these people cope)(please invite me to something hah) i would be violet beauregarde as the bloated blueberry.

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i left my camera cord at adventurehouse so i can’t use any of my photos at the moment. but i took tons.

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here i am staging the kids on the couch for an impromptu shoot. my little proteges.

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ML and i. nice shot linda haha.

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aw look at little hailey. she and mary lynne were my little groupies. ML wants me to come up with a nickname for her and held me to it since i last saw her at the funeral. she looks like dakota fanning and she calls me Bluren, my old nickname. i think i am going to exclusively hang out with teenagers and kids from now on if i can help it. i took a ton of photos of hailey, mary lynne and c (bro’s gf’s son) all looking super cool on the couch in the livingroom can’t wait to look at them. ML gave me her email too. email buddy!

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had to get my dad and bob out to the balloons, gave them each my two so i didn’t release any. i was too hyper about capturing the moment and my camera battery died as the last balloon floated up out of sight, i got just one more shot of the group and then it died. a sign?

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feeling like a heffer i went to the firehall with the gang, my lady gang. the (instigator) guy here has braces. i asked who this polish nightmare was to his table of buddies and they diiiied laughing. they assisted in the aiding of that joke though cos one said here he comes, wearing track pants. i am a comedic expert. use what other people say to build off of. this woman? i have no idea who she is but she taught me a better version of blowing kisses, trashiest version ever. you slap your ass and then do it. ahaha sick thanks.

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sang so much last night felt like actual work. killed it. i sang lulu’s to sir with love. that’s how you work the crowd over in the beginning, old school. then i did cry me a river (also amazingly, freestyling the in-between parts from memory) um then i did don’t let me down and then i did the shoop shoop song. i sort of helped robin do cowboy (not really) and she won $25. i won $50 and my mom flipped on the manager. the guy who won sounded like pots and pans falling down the stairs as he butchered fight for your right to party. i booed the entire time. the manager was like i know i know he sucks. anyway, guess who is hooked up indefinitely at the FH now? i said look it’s not about money i don’t care, me and these ladies we just want to be looked after when we come cos you benefit after the fact on facebook, plus the place is crawling with men too, and i am bringing a pack of women. i had a billion coasters with my name on it in the draw (it’s a draw so i am basically whining about not guessing the correct number of jellybeans at the church bazaar)(ooh how do you like that reference?) but also, all the other regulars, AND karaoke ringers were pretty miffed too, and used-feeling. seriously if you heard this jack ass sing (you call that singing?) you would barf diarrhea rage too. he was also wearing a stupid hat.

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a friend of my cousin and blog fan (hi thanks for the peppermint schnapps that made me retch at 4 in the morning) was there and came at me with open arms and me being the desperate affection-starved fuzzy angel of cuddles stepped right into her arms not knowing who or what she was but her face was adorable so i went with it but at the same time she is going I LOVE YOU you’re amazing blog blog etc ahahah please keep going. anyway she was like, i told my friends and husband about you, this girl, who is like, probably at the firehall tonight singing and drinking for free so that you can write about it the next day. i just sat there and laughed kind of, yeah, yeah, you are kind of fucking right. pegged. meanwhile i am clutching the $50 gift card i just finagled for myself.

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a friend of robin’s kept calling me courtney and i kept thinking he meant my friend courtney who i saw two days ago (ahahah seriously) and KEPT going WHERE? and then i would remember he meant me, as in courtney love. then i’d get mad and glare at him.

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it was hard to have game with those rubber boots and mc hammer pants on but i made it happen in the end i think. i forgot my jeans and real outdoor shoes.

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i became notorious “blond in bob marley shirt” instantly. brother’s gf’s son said i was his hero for wearing that shirt. i forgot how powerful rock shirt statements are and how cool influencing important to kids. i said to my mom, how do they know it’s a bob marley shirt the name is cut off by my pants. i think rasta colours are universally known. i think the person in life i am fooling most, is myself. you mean, I’M NOT INVISIBLE?

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i assume every single female staff member is a lesbian or, they will be when i am through with them. i may or may not get flirted with by some of them.

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the hot one is one of the managers, not the one i whined to. she took care of us last week and sent shots over this week (beginnings of polar bear peppermint throat destruction when passing in the other direction) and it’s too bad you can’t see her heels. girl has it going on. ha look over her head.

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moms was gettin’ crunked. i plan to stop all drinking this week so this is an appropriate send off.

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i used to stack our shot glasses at central like this after doing billions of them with people, fun to photograph. this look i dub rasta princess.

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my little lois. she was givin’er. i think we might just have to go to an actual nightclub. where should the cougar pack make its next jungle?

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definitely channeling some courtney. guess how many times i had to talk about my fucking tattoo yesterday at the FH. ughhhhhhhh. a blythe doll! a what? A BLYTHE! WIFE? NO! DOLL A DOLL!

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and exhaustion despite a nice long winter nap.

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my Ruler of Rohan outfit. rock and royalty. a term i invented yesterday so remember that when it gets passed around. bona fide bipolarism.

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blackberry shots.

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ok bye bye now.

pahahah this is so behind the scenes magic hilarious to me i wish i had photoshop so i could make glitter sparkle frames on some of these.

FITNESS IS FUN! GO TEAM! WHEEE! actually you should get a load of my nail polish right now. it’s barbie pink and called PINK LINGERIE. i’m regressing back to jem and the holograms barbie rock and roll star stage playing barbies with brooke and making them f— attack each other. that shit goes down how fast, ten minutes?

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choreographed dance routine will turn into aerobics video, it’s from my jazz class. casie has a dance background too. she can do the splits. and push-ups standing up, using her hands as feet.

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bitch get out of my shot. woah look at the love making sesh about to go down behind me against the wall there.

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we got prematurely sweaty before the globe and mail girls arrived. i wanted to get my work out in, james trained us after the interview anyway. i was like, you do not know working out until you’ve done it with cake face. i look like a white cake dripping with sweat at the end. casie was SOAKED. can’t wait to see what they use of us.

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i love weights and working my arms now.

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casie is wary of it cos she’s turning into linda hamilton.

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hair obsessing.

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then we figured out to tuck my shirt in cos i was walking around in a psycho whiny circle vortex. mega-entertaining.

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i held casie like a baby and used her entire body to do a few curls. honest.

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putting on aerobics clothing is hell. all these tight taught elastic banded compartments that scrape at your skin and make you feel like a blob sausage. it’s important to be tight though cos you move around and sweat and to answer your question krista no my socks don’t fall down. they’re very tight.

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good to go now.

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fitness expo models.

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RAAAAAAAAAH!

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they call me WHITE LIGHTNING. no, i mean, this move is called the thunderbolt pharaoh. you know what casie? we should just join a wrestling league. it’s all acting anyway right? fuck blogging. wrestling is where it’s at. how many people watch that shit and bet on it obsessively?

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step ball change.

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here we are in kidz360 where we really belong.

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cute bow casie.

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my sixty minutes moment. when i sat down here this is when rosa and kathryn looked at each other and mouthed/whispered blond girls so many views… hahaha.

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doing a demo.

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oh my form! look. hips are a bit high. i can’t help it i am a giraffe and my legs are three feet and two inches long. 38 inches. giraffe.

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blabbing like crazy while james was being interviewed. got shushed a bit. everyone was talking while my interview was being done so i didn’t see what the big deal was and the music was blaring too.

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you get to stare at stuff like this when you’re going through your own torture sessions.

ok bye now. i get to wear a tiara and a rock shirt today for a wake.

BURNOUTINGTON HOLLA.

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