the following is a tale sent to me from my nice ladyfriend in England where she says in her town everybody knows everybody so i am not allowed to say exactly where, not until she moves away from it i guess, if ever, that is when you are allowed to s-talk everybody.

OK.. something sorta funny and or dark.. thats a toughie but after having

gone for a poo and read the backs of all the shampoo bottles nearby for

inspiration I can only offer this story which begins with the weirdos who

lived in the bungalow next to my house when I was a kid.

From the very start they werent right because they lived in a bungalow which

was set in the middle of a row of terraced houses so it was like a whole

bunch of terraces had been removed and an oddball bungalow stuck in the

middle. So they had a grumpy fat son and a grumpy fat daughter who never

spoke but she used to go out wearing a pair of bright pink stilletto heels

and a black jacket which I always thought was the height of fashion and I

wasnt allowed to have that kind of stuff so I just stayed in my room all the

time trying to dress like Madonna a la Material Girl stylee and Id peep thru

the gap in my bedroom curtains and watch the grumpy daughter walk down the

road every day wearing those shoes I wanted. The grumpy parents of the son

and daughter never spoke to my family not even if we were standing in our

front garden. The dad drove an ugly brown Citroen car which he parked in the

driveway and he always shut the gates behind it and the lock on the gates

made a little arc shaped groove in the cement on the driveway where it had

opened and closed so many times. They always shut the gates because they had

a dog which was a labrador – a black one. I dont know that dogs name to this

day but guess what – yep – it was grumpy but I loved dogs so in my

estimation it was the best of a bad lot… a rose between a bunch of

thorns.Out of the blue the grumpy mother waddled up to the fence between our

gardens one day as my mum was trying to find the front door key and she

asked if we would look after the dog while they went on holiday. My mum said

ok and when we got inside the house she launched into disbelief that the

rude bitch had the balls to never talk to us and then ask for a favour as

large as that and I remember a whole load of kiwi fruits fell out of a tear

in the bag of shopping mum was holding in the hallway and she said ‘shit’.

The fat grumpy lot all went on holiday and left us with the door key and on

the first day I went round their house. Thru the first black wrought iron

gate and the second and to the back door where once I opened the door I was

confronted with a pissed off black Lab dog growling at me. I liked dogs and

I didnt like to see him upset so I filled his bowl up with food and then

looked around the kitchen to see what stuff they had. I remember the kitchen

was green and the floor had brown tiles. The dog didnt want its food so I

took it for a walk and when I brought it home it snarled at me when I took

the lead off its collar. Just as I was going to leave I gave the pissed off

dog a hug and that is when it snapped and tore a hole in my face near my

mouth.

And that is when my mum came running over to see where I had been and she

saw blood down the front of my favourite white t-shirt with a whale on it.

So she grabbed the nearby garden pitchfork and jabbed it at the dog to get

it in the house and ushered me back to our house.

I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and saw the hole in my face and stuck

my tongue through it. A drip of blood landed on the corner of the small rug

which also had a whale on it. My family liked whales.

Several weeks after the incident I had the stitches removed and ended up

with a giant scab which I was itching to pick. My mum threatened me with

death if I picked it because it would scar my face. My finger nail scraped

nervously at the edge of the scab day and night, slowly flaking tiny pieces

of the edge of it away… making sure never to make it bleed.But I couldnt

stand it.

I took my bike across to the pavement on the other side of the road because

it was smoother over there. One of the neighbourhood kids was in her front

garden and saw me riding up and down. She didnt like me on her side of the

street so I rode up and down more, making her angry. She kept telling me to

go on my side of the street but I taunted her. And thats when she went off

and came back with a really big branch from a tree and dangled it over the

fence to knock me off my bike.

She didnt succeed but with some quick thinking I dropped my bike and grabbed

my face yelling “OWWwwwweeee” and I ran like the clappers to my bedroom and

took great delight in ripping that big ass scab off my face…. and stood in

horror as the hole opened up again…

and then lied my ass off to my mum when she screamed at me!

“it was Sarahs fault!” I shrieked.

Sarah got the ass beating of her life and I rode up and down that side of

the road alllll week while she watched from the window of her room where she

was grounded.

nowlf says:

give me a direction or theme

raymi says:

slander

nowlf says:

thats a tough one

nowlf says:

i mean, i try to stay away from backstabbing et al

raymi says:

boring

nowlf says:

yeah, im just really busy here at work

nowlf says:

and then at 4 we’re going to the ************ for a secret santa homo fest

raymi says:

thats fucking gay

nowlf says:

but i dont want to go because i have so much work to do.

nowlf says:

how sad is that?

raymi says:

what did u buy for the secret douchebag?

nowlf says:

its a lose/lose all around

raymi says:

coal?

nowlf says:

i bottle a bottle of bourbon, stuck a pair of black runnber gloves on it, and afixed a pack of lube and a note saying “keep it loose”

nowlf says:

i bottle a bottle. nice.

raymi says:

you are so clever

raymi says:

kind even

nowlf says:

Runnber. what the fuck is wrong with me

nowlf says:

usually i buy crap for them

raymi says:

working too much typos happen

nowlf says:

i mean, someone has to lose at secret santa

nowlf says:

if everyone got nice agreeable gifts there’s be no fun

nowlf says:

one year i bought a frozen turkey, bag of potatos, onions, box of stuffing.. you

know, everything for xmas dinner in a big 50pound garbage bag

nowlf says:

recipient didnt dig it much

nowlf says:

carrying it on the subway..

raymi says:

well what an unappreciative cunty fucker

nowlf says:

thats what i told her in front of everyone..

raymi says:

did she know that it was from you? cos isn’t it suppose to be a secret thing?

raymi says:

or you just couldnt contain yer pissed-offness

nowlf says:

yeah, i just exploded and raged for an hour at the restaurant — going along the lineup of coworkers, telling each and every one of them specifically what i hated about them

raymi says:

and then you got promoted, right?

nowlf says:

no, i went from blacksheep to madcow disease sheep

raymi says:

fuckin right

raymi says:

remember u told me about the time u broke into some girl’s place when she was away and completely rearranged all of her furniture and she didn’t appreciate it at all?

nowlf says:

yes

nowlf says:

though it wasnt as much a lack of appreciation, as it was fear.

raymi says:

how do u feel about that

nowlf says:

i felt bad that i made her cry. but i think she found it worthwhile, in the interesting vein, in the end.

raymi says:

did u at least get laid out of it

raymi says:

why the fuck did she cry?

raymi says:

she should have been flattered

nowlf says:

she’s timid by nature. i had no idea. though im sure i wouldve done it all over again anyway

i snored last nite watching dodgeball and i swatted when i was told to go off to bed and i was almost left on the couch for a laugh.

we’ve now added a bass to the band and things are, cooler, i guess.

because of all the smoking and talking and late-nites what is my life, in the morning i sound like a craggy old man/going-thru-puberty boy and it lasts all fucking day long until maybe 7 or so and i’m worried i am going to sound like this forever.

like courtney love, basically.

i have to ham it up and talk like a mouse or three year old girl or some made-up cartoon character not invented yet so as to not strain my vocal-chords and everytime i pass a dog/cat/little kid on the street it’s a huge sigh of relief/excuse to talk like this at/to them and the kid is all over it and the parents are like, harhuhuhuhuh, what is her problem?

shut up, it’s genetic.

rocky the cat is getting his haircut today so he can look like a little monkey and hide in the christmas tree that’s existed since christmas was invented.

when i wake up in the morning, because my hair is now that multi-coloured blondeness (fried/dried-out/fucked) – my hair is all farrah fawcetty, bird’s nest, all over the place and when i go to the coffeeplace with my heroin-addict/movie star sunglasses the girls swoon and say how nice i look and i am like please please don’t ask to try on the sunglasses again ‘cos all these old ladies will have heart attacks when they see my alice cooper junky eye make-up and if they step closer they will notice tiny little birds are actually nesting in my hair making bird colonies and forming their own government and naming streets and then these nice ladies won’t think i look so fucking nice and then i’ll have to go to the other coffeeplace and be even more neurotic over there.

i am totally moving out of town so i don’t have to feel guilty about being a scumbag and fake like i am not.

kidding.

i’m moving because i drank the town dry.

taking turns getting pissed off at things

annoyed by things

everything

in and out of the room

all afternoon

every afternoon

toting this

grabbing that

trying not to sigh out loud

tolerating

madness

personality traits

habits

saying that you understand all the time

but how does that help

how does that fix anything at all

anyone

sometimes there are no more funny things to say and being appropriate is too much effort and compassion shouldn’t be free all the time you think

and then someone says well what about christmas spirit and then you want to rip out all of your hair and disappear until april maybe

or perhaps you’ll wait it out

the same as always

because you can’t escape calendars

and seasons

and people who depend on you

because sometimes you depend on them

and then when it is your turn for help you feel like an asshole asking for it and they have every right to flip you off

we don’t have the patience for feeling like an asshole

we don’t even have time for feelings

buying stuff for others because it’s what you really want

not being an activist

not trying anymore

not caring

saying this is my life

there is the supermarket

garbage day is thursday

some people knit

some people dance

and some drink

some have babies

there really isn’t a point to any of this

there are so many things to be mad about and so many things to brag about

potentially

why aren’t you wearing any clothes in your photographs

why do you expose yourself

how do you feel about that

don’t you have any self-respect

do you even care

where are you going with this

you’re an embarassment

for shame

sinner

pig

what a

why not share your world with others why not share things why not capture moments in time and say looksee here i am there we are big deal i don’t care i’m bored you’re bored

analyzing is what we do when there is nothing else to do when we know the subject enough because we hear about it enough and after all that nonsense all that is left is scandal and gossip and obsession

we want to care and we don’t want to

we want to see and forget

we want to forget forever but we can’t because we know it’s there

see you at AA.

i ran out of crazy pills today so i have to do something about that tomorrow.

ward just stopped by and he is now bragging about how he figured out a way to increase his caffeine intake by way of putting the coffee grinds to the top of the filter and then only brewing half a cup of coffee – he says it tastes like shit crap but man, what a rush.

ward is now obnoxiously chewing gum into my ear as loud as he possibly can and taking pictures with my camera and talking about how fast he can type emails after all that coffee – but he makes crazy mistakes, so many spelling mistakes.

he said some guy got fired today because he is in asshole and everytime someone asks for help he just makes fun of them.

and now ward is explaining in detail exactly how this guy is an asshole.

ward bought his mum a new vacuum cleaner for christmas and his sister a food processor.

ward just asked me why i even cared because he is just making idle conversation and i said of course i care, i care about a lot of things.

and now i have no idea what he is talking about.

hi ward!

lazy is as lazy does

and does

and does

and

backyards

so this obnoxious fool was attacking everything what was everything what was me saturday afternoon and i was beyond annoyed with his gall to be such a fucker what with the occasion ‘n all

he was making fun of my nose and my flat chest and my smoking and saying oh i bet you don’t even have a boyfriend and he was making all these not-funny pervy jokes and being completely innapropriate and making fun of the catholic religion because he’s jewish and i was sitting there drinking a specialty coffee and yes i was mouthing back like your bitchy aunt all over the livingroom because i knew i could get away with it

dude couldn’t hit me or anything ‘cos it was a family-gathering and even his dotter was there and his wife

and he was bragging about all these things he buys off ebay and how he lavishes his wife with gifts and i said well that’s because you hate yourself and you feel inadequate and insecure about your fat face and bald head and fat stomache and it makes you feel better about yourself to cut up other people by way of pointing out their big noses and making fun of their uncle

and i also said i was completely fine with my big nose and had come to accept it and my flat chest and that many men/women appreciated my body, liked it very much in fact and then i told him to go fuck his fat bastard self and that’s when my nana came over to me and said now be a lady and she was trying to smooth out my forehead because when i get angry my forehead turns into a mass of rageful expression

and then fat focker says he knows someone who does botox

and on and on and on it went ’til about 4 or 5pm and it got to a point wherein you start making all these violent scenarios in your head and thinking about how everyone in the room would react to you flying across the coffeetable and strangling the guy whilst china cups and plates of food are smashing all around and you’re screaming and screaming

and for the sake of your fantasy reactions being in your favor

everybody is cheering you on

and

someone passes you a cigarette afterwards and the dude apologizes for being such a douchebag and it is not at all awkward after your ridiculous flip-out

not in the least

heh

and so

because i am not a violent person by nature and i know full well that there are bound to be not good repurcussions to a scenario involving strangulation

i sat there listening to holiday music

at the end of the couch

listening to this pervert brag about giving it to his wife the nite before and was happy as crap when she came down the stairs and told her side

which was

her being tired, being half asleep and letting him take advantage of her

and seeing his ego put on their winter ebay boots to go make fun of the pigmeat on the diningroom table for maybe 2 minutes before he came back over to talk really loud and stupid for a couple more hours.

thanks duder-dude for the new banner and for saying on it that there is a party in my head i think that this particular banner lends much credibility to the raymi blog, don’t you agree?

awnry