i called the liquor store to see when they closed and i disguised my voice in case the lady i spoke to earlier answered, i think it was her. they close at 6 on tuesdays and it was ten to when i called so i was like fuck it FINE I’LL DRINK BEER INSTEAD RAAAAAAAAAAWH! and hung up.

and if you must know today’s shitty movie is spanglish and so far i HATE tea leoni’s character.

also showed the apartment to a couple people today. i feel so awkward having to do this cos i don’t know what to say. i opened the door to the bedroom and exclaimed, “yep, that’s a king size bed.” although the guy didn’t even ask about it and obviously it’s king sized cos it takes up the entire fucking room.

sometimes i am just too embarrassing to live.

though my heart is in the right place cos i was getting at the fact that if one wanted to it would be possible to fit a king size bed in there.

i was even playing lucille star in the background cos i wanted to look productive and intelligent or something.

the landlord’s assistant called me ma’am and barely speaks english.

oh yeh i went for a tan today also and the woman said so uhh, what kind of bed would you like and i paused and said well, i am kinda tan on my body though you can’t see it on my face cos of all this make-up and she cut me off and said I CAN SEE THAT.

whatever, leatherface.

i think i ordered the fat face.

i just tried to buy some margarita coolers from the liquor store but i got carded and i didn’t have any id on me and i was like listen lady i’m here so often i could be a shelf, i just went to get new passport photos do you want to see one? she said yes and then still said no to letting me buy the hooch cos passport photos prove nothing. then why did you bother letting me show you my photos?

oh cos i wanted to see how they turned out for you.

fffffeck off.

fucking hell i woke up at quarter to 5 and couldn’t get back to sleep ’til 8. i blame it on the rain. milli vanilli knew what they were lip-synching about. word. the sound of that shit hitting the gutters and tinkling in the alleys outside the window makes me MENTALLY INSANE! it sounds like some faggot tapping on galvanized garbage cans with chopsticks and he’s all this is my accurate depiction of the sound of rain and i’m all this is my accurate depiction of strangling you!

so i had a cigarette around 8 and passed out.

i wish i was smart enough to smoke cigarettes when i was a kid, for insomnia i mean and especially on christmas eve. i’d lie awake in bed for hours just praying to fall asleep so i could wake up faster and open presents, nite just dragged on and on and on but if i went down in my stupid kid nightgown and was all what’s up mom and dad i’m just gonna have a smoke and hit the hay then i’d pass out like that!

layta dudes!

tina interviewed me for the fulcrum.

oh ok one more thing, i started occasionally wearing a bra again so all of a sudden i have humonguous tits and when i am in a crowded bar or wherever and i have to squeeze by someone i feel like my boobs are taking over everything and if i turn around real quick i might kill someone.

i have to go meet fil at the bar but i just opened a beer, maybe i’ll take it as a to-go. the other nite i poured a tallboy into a pint glass and we were gonna go out and i was all hey man wouldn’t that be HALARIOUS if i just walked down the street with a pint of beer like SO FUNNY, fil didn’t really say anything. he’s getting betterer and betterer at tuning me out. if i showed up with a beer that i don’t normally order at the bar they’d be all WTF SISTER!?

a week ago at the pub i shoved my 3/4 full bottle of heineken into my jacket sleeve, thought better of it and put it in the front pocket of my baglady sweater, then i thought naah i should put it back into my jacket sleeve so it looks like i don’t have a left hand and i have to walk hunched over and my left arm is a foot longer than my right. i was doing this way out in the open also and just as i had changed my mind again and switched the bottle to my cardigan pocket this old couple walk by me and smile. they had been watching me the entire time and were laughing and shit.

good thing old people know better than to rat on you.

Where O where have you been my love?

When she’d left, i’d only begun this lullabye

by the time i got to grade eight i had had enough of trying to be number one with my grades so i decided to get serious about slacking off and then my mum told me i had been chosen for valedictorian and thus had zero responsibilities for the rest of the school year outside of writing my speech and so i slacked on that until the very last nite and my mum asked to see it so i offered up a few pieces of crumply scrap paper with chicken scratch on ‘em and she was shocked.

i remember lying down on the basement couch, my dad in the rocking chair and my mum at the computer typing out my speech as i half-assedly dictated, it was maybe 1 in the morning by that point.

i cried at the end of saying it to the packed auditorium and i received a standing ovation.

and then i danced like the hugest slut ever with the dumbest boys in front of all of the teachers that were so fucking proud of me and my brains.

one said to my mother not to let me slack off, i could be a great big something if i tried.

heh.

i bumped into my highschool drama teacher at the canzine festival. she was sitting beside me. she said that my face had totally changed and i said what, you mean fatter? i had a beer in my hand. she looked exactly the same to me. i kind of rubbed her the wrong way in that class. i remember she had criticised something about my acting or whatever and i said a lot of shit back to her and she totally called me on being super defensive and it made me angrier, moreso cos she was right.

i met ward in that drama class. worst acting i ever saw.