TWO YEARS AGO TODAY

Monday, March 08, 2004

i think the madpony girls are fucking boring and they make me want to i dunno, something. and what’s with one of them being called lauren? that’s my real name, u know. but it’s pronounced Luh-ren because it just is. these girls are lame and they make college life seem like an episode of a dumb tv show that gets cancelled after half a season. show us your vaginas already and stop posing like the olsen twins. and holy fuck who the hell wants to email your dad?

um so my laptop is never where i am at so i dont update too much, that’ll change and not like i have anything remotely interesting to say other than to talk about the blister on my foot from disco rollerskating. and also went to gay hip hop whatever nite where i felt fat ugly and totally ignored all nite long. fags make me want to kill myself. apparently i was being looked at. then went to slut school and missed last call. then went to some after hours place upon which i ate a banana during the short walk over there. i dont even know the name of the place, i coulda been lead(led?)to a scary mean person’s car for all i knew.

i hate djs they think all the music they play’s all fantastic and magnificent masterpieces and they never play what i want to hear. i’m like look you pathetic piece of shit i am the best dancer you will ever see and i can do stupid waltz jumps and leaps and fall down trying to breakdance and i need to hear such and such a song and you are ruining everything by playing this fuckin eurocrap jingly idontknowwhat. and they always go yeh ill play it and they never do. im gwanna bring a boombox to the next place i go.

and when i go to the bathroom i always feel inclined to make chitchat with the other ladies but i cant think of anything to say other than lying about how nice their shirt is and where they got it or i say, herheh are you the line-up? doi.

i order all these movies and then forget to watch them because i change channels.

i went to the clinic today and my family doctor wasnt there kuz of a family emergency so now i have to wait two more days til i find out about my internal organs. how selfish is that?

this is what some of the wall in my old crawford ghetto apt. looked like upon us all deciding to get the fuck out of there and leaving a nice welcome to yer new pad for the lesbos who moved in afterward. fuckin fuck i hated my landlord.

the cats here are crazy like they’re being chased by invisible animals. i swear one of them flew across the room and into the blinds and totally destroyed them. so funny. and my other cat we got his hair all shaved off so now he looks anorexic and all skeletal but has a big fluffy head of hair. we build forts together in my bed. i’m so lame.

i want an under the table job because i am like so bored.

im sucha whore. i had this book thing that i was working on and it was all about being miserable and lame stuff like that and i thought no one wants to read that shit so then i thought i should just write about all the boys and girls i ever humped but then i started counting and realised how much a ho-bag i am and decided fuggit.

funny thing, madpony.com disbanded the VERY same day i wrote that shit about them girls.

i just realised it’s my first boyfriend’s birthday today.

the video shoot yesterday was pretty decent. long, boring sitting around being catty to the other extras and hearing them loving talking about themselves, one asked if i was always this caustic. ha.

the song is rad too and i’m not saying that to be all OMG LISTEN TO IT that’s gay – they’re an up and coming band so they say and the video concept i liked, the song is called dream machine, the band – major maker the video stars MEEEEEEEEEEE.

it was shot in derrick beckles’ pad and i wish i had my camera cos it’s full of VICE tidbits and cool shit everywhere. ungh.

the producer told me i was in the top 3 running for the sam roberts video i went to the casting call for and i don’t think he said it cos he wanted me to blow him i think it was true.

tonite i sell drink tickets somewhere for sweet sweet moohla and i have to wear black pants.

BEN TUCKER did these.

here is the video that inspired these.

i just spent 134 dollars at h&m. woulda been less had i not got fil a cardigan thing. everytime i go there and come back with ten more somethings i already own but in different colors, fil starts crying and smashes things cos he wants new clothes too. so there you go. i got a new bag. i tried on every fucking pair of jeans there and none fit me right or look good and the dressing room girls were giving me ‘tude and i just knew they were whisper shit-talking about me. wtf it’s hard and depressing enough trying to shop for pants i don’t need some dumpy ass short bitch making me feel guilty for one extra trip back to the jeans section.

and for anyone who works in a change room and says OH THAT IS SOOOO IRRITATING WORKING IN A CHANGE ROOM AND LIKE, PEOPLE LIKE, TAKE SOOOOOO LONG AND GO BACK AND FORTH FOR MORE CLOOOOTHES!

here’s a hint slut, DON’T WORK IN RETAIL, DON’T WORK IN A CHANGE ROOM, DON’T WORK IN CUSTOMER SERVICE.

i am getting nervous about the video so i hate everyone right now.

oh the cabbie on my way there knew all about h&m and he said i have clear skin and my lip stud looks like a beautiful diamond and suits me very well. i wish he could have gone pants shopping with me.

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i want a grant for a film

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

basically the premise is a documentary of me shooting heroin for one year

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

hahaha

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

and then

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

thats it

raymi says:

oh my god

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

exciting right?

raymi says:

do you have mental problems

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

no i dont have mental problems. im just thinking about how drugs are the only thing i have ever been good at

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

or enthusiastic about.

raymi says:

well that’s the spirit

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i need a wealthy benefactor to induldge my broken spirit.

raymi says:

how about going to rehab like you told me last week

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

im starting to really feel like life in and of itself is a fucking shit sammich. i always know what im gonna get out of drugs. and its fucking great.

raymi says:

well, ok

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

im pretty sure im gonna die soon, lauren.

raymi says:

well you need help son

raymi says:

you need a healthy hobby

raymi says:

like go on a cruise and be a bartender or security

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i dont even want one dude.

raymi says:

well you need to change yer prespective you’re in a new york rut

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i found myself walking around the east village looking for smack.

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

like at 4 AM

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

do you kinow that i dont even care that my friend died? people are alwsys like “what about mike?”

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

and im like

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

what about him?

raymi says:

wow

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

.

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

whatever

raymi says:

ok

raymi says:

well youve drugged yourself numb

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

no

raymi says:

wait until someone super ass close to you is dying

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i havent done drugs in 2 weeks

raymi says:

doesnt matter

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

and mike was superass close to me

raymi says:

well

raymi says:

i dunno what to say

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i kinda stopped caring about anything or anyone

raymi says:

you need to fucking sort yourself out and stop being emo and im gonna die nonsense, what a waste of a life dude

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i dont know where this came from

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

it happened awhile ago

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

im not emo

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

im super calm

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i havent raised my voice in months

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i havent cried or gotten emotional since before i even moved here

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i didnt cry when mike died

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i got the call…and i bought drugs like 30 minutes later

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

hah

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i think my problem is that im not emo

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i wish i could get all weepy and cut myself

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

i cant be bothered anymore.

raymi says:

im talking about what you are saying to me here now like not caring and stuff, you need to start caring and i dont think it’s gonna happen until you hit a wall and breakdown which is a shame

When God gives you AIDS, make lemonAIDS! says:

you are probably right

raymi says:

you need to get out of nyc

raymi says:

i think youre being melodramatic and you are way too selfish to ever kill yourself, why deprive the world of you is what you think

so fil won’t let me go into the bathroom with him to inspect the blemish on his forehead that i nicely pointed out when he was being catty to me, so i walk in to the kitchen into a gaggle of fags with my goblet of red wine in my right hand and one sweater-vested homo dramatically raises his hand whilst telling a story and knocks the bottom of my goblet and sends a beautiful arc of red wine up into the air and it smashes down onto the sweater of another homo and everyone cheers. dude spilled something on these other fag’s couch the previous week. but the dude tells the entire party it was my fault all nite long and demands permission to fondle my boyfriend all nite long. fine, deal.

though i wasn’t made aware of how much the fondling actually was cos fil didn’t want me to kick the dude’s ass. whatever, we’ll see how you react when i tell you how much i get fondled some other nite in the future and kept it a secret cos i didn’t want you to get angry.

there is no difference here, fil being straight and fawned over, no double-standard is allowed like it would be ok if dykes grabbed at me all nite long but if straight dudes did it is not the same as fags grabbing at fil.

fag likes fil, fag grabs fil.

straight guy likes raymi, straight guy grabs at raymi.

see?

i am going to be in a music video today for a band called major maker. i’m suppose to dress like a VICE do. i’m kinda getting anxious about it, not that i don’t already own ten hundred amazing shirts to wear it’s just i need to wear the ULTIMATE ONE! we have to bring extra shit for options, i don’t have a bag for this, melody has it, so i’ma roll in there with a huge paper shopping bag. no i will probably go buy some new clothes and a bag. sigh. life, it’s just…so, hard.

fil is jealous and sad that he is not going to be in the video and i said well they want young looking people which totally didn’t help and i was all uhhh i meant they want dirtbags? cool people? se;fiewY*POYTP. fil is too much of an adult i think. i think they want bitches only.

i hope i don’t get super nervous and pull out at the last minute like i do for EVERYTHING. ok i won’t.

in grade 8 i was on the track team, every morning i went to school early to run around the school the park the arena, down by the river, well mostly once the teacher ran by and the do-gooders it was more of an amble. anyway, i was a part of it for several months. i don’t even know why, i think one of my fat friends wanted to join and i was like ok i will too.

so the morning of our track event race against other schools i was “sick” in bed and my mom was like GET THE FUCK UP YOU SPENT MONTHS TRAINING FOR THIS AND NOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GO!?!

it was never my intention of racing or having any part of a competition, the way i saw it was totally different than how the rest saw it. to them i was suppose to be a “team player” and had to show my support. fuck that, i barely broke a sweat every few mornings a week i am not fucking running.

so yeah, i ended up going, i got a pretty decent place, and our girl’s team which i was a “team player” for got first place and everyone was all hey lauren aren’t you glad you went afterall, wow, first place! and like yeah guys i can tooootally sleep at nite now, thanks.

one morning we saw a pack of foxes by the river, that was cool. they have long pointy noses.

the end.

our good friends at pancake tuesday put out another delightful video, watch it.

Ma.