oh yeah i dreamt i was pregnant and the doctor was advising me that i should abort it or try for a miscarriage but the only way to miscarry was to put a cherry bomb in my twat and sit in the front seat of fil’s car and drive it into a lake with the windows down so all the water could flood in and then boom, abortion. in my dream this all made perfect sense. the doctor was asian so like obviously he knew what he was talking about. i was very much dreading this feat so i was trying to just make myself bleed and i kept looking in my underwear for blood and i saw some but it wasn’t period blood according to my childhood friend who was playing with horse figurines, i was just bleeding internally and it was coming out of my vagina so now i have TWO things to worry about. GO DREAM!

welcome to the drunk deck

GO CANADA!!!!

we played ntn/buzztime last nite and i had souvlaki, fil had the fajitas and then when he finished eating he said I EAT YOUR FOOD NOW more or less and i thought it was funny how it was just decided that i was finished eating whether i actually was or not make sense? then we went to the karaoke pub and the tiniest chick with a proper english accent wearing a one piece black polka dotted dress RAPPED EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF it was BANANAS! she walked around with the cordless mic and screamed it at everyone i couldn’t fucking breathe cos someone hadn’t cracked a window to let some of the awesome out and THEN her younger brother gets up and sings weird al’s amish paradise i mean…why don’t you smash fifty beer steins on my motherfucking HEAD holy shit then i got up and did so whatcha want and when i finished these two wankstas were like THAT WAS AWESOME to each other and it pretty much MADE my entire LIFE.

Gay Shoes

Hi Raymi

Hope this e-mail finds you well. I have a pair of those shoes you talked about last week. They make me gay when I wear them. In fact, I’m having sex with a man right now. My wife is watching but she knows I’m helpless cuz of the shoes. Totally gay. And so comfortable!

They are big in Texas, the men that is!! As soon as I take them off I’m a flaming heterosexual again. So… David Sedaris will be in BC soon. I am going to try to get him to your city next year. I’m also working with Jello Biafra. He has a new spoken word album coming out and I’m looking for some dates in Texas and Nashville. BTW, good job going off the zoloft and related. At the end of the day it turns out no one really needs that shit.

Best,

Jim

help i don’t know how to put the comforter in the duvet or the duvet in the comforter i wanted to all impress fil and do it myself but i gave up after 30 seconds cos my arms aren’t long enough WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A BLANKET LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!?

I WROTE A LETTER TO MEL GIBSON ON LAIST.COM

i want to go dress shopping but it is too hot i can’t believe how hot it is why isn’t there an ocean outside my window? i have been a big space cadet since the zoloft withdrawing even more than before, but at least i get mini body buzzes out of it a free high is the best high.

pitt came into town yesterday and talked about how famous he is and how jealous everybody is of him and we drunk-dialed some people.

i think i’m gonna go back to black hair but only once summer is over.

i need to know how many people would come out to my dodgeball party, would more be likely to come if it were before september or after? i’m thinking it should be on the island and the less athletic of the bunch can run the FACE PAINTING BLANKET. afterwards there will be a bar gathering. so yeh i wanna know how many will come for the dodgeball part so i can make a list and make teams like the lesbian coach i’ve always dreamt to be.