I have a crush on your face!

My free tanning eye stickers.

I have been deaf in my left ear for what three days now? I’m like basically in a made for tv movie about myself or perhaps watching Ray made me go deaf (cos he goes blind get it?) Oh shut up. Allow me to tell you about my charming little life now. I rise at five to plough the fields. Just kidding. Ya can’t plough fields in the winter ya maroon! I sleep in til whenever my last cycle of super awesome dreams ends open my eyes look at my phone try and remember what day it is, decide whether I should sleep in some more or not. Usually I’ll get up one minute later out of remorse stress. Think about what deadline I have or appointments, what boyfriends I don’t have with no texts from whence they came. It is interesting being an island. Someone told me that I push people away. I have done this before. It will eventually pass, this phase. I go through a bodum of coffee while I write or several tassimos. When I work on my drafts for Playboy, my ideas, sources, you know that writerly thing you fantasize about when you’re reading magazines as a teen and then it happens to you and you’re doing helicopter twirls in the living room and it hits you. I am a writer.

I work on my book a lot now too. I didn’t do that before and happily in the time that I generally stopped working on it as much my writing got a fuck of a lot better, more confident. I just put it on the shelf and I think myself and the die-hards, casual fans, missed it so now it’s back it’s a little more precious. To me at least because I know what it is like when it’s not there.

Like, capital like, it would be uhhmazing if I just had the nards to write what I reeeeeeally wanted to say. No one does that anymore. I feel. I feel caged and I don’t feel like I am allowed to write what I really want to write it isn’t right.

I saw two old/dear friends of mine in New York and both times I exploded in to tears greedily in front of them. I really hate the word purging but I thought it was cool or no wait it wasn’t but it was healthy because I have pent up loser to expunge supposedly.

I have the rest of my year mapped out more or less (kind of, shrug) so that instills some self confidence from borderline competence I know I’ve never gone the route of the average bear and I really have no right to be so hard on myself despite what my one lunatic psycho stalker troll insists.

One thing messing with my happy place is this diet I’ve been on for 6 days now. I’ve done it before and lost 20lbs on it. This time I am a little dubious because I didn’t know I was doing the ketogenic diet before and I also certainly wasn’t mowing down chocolate bars back then either. When I’m single I gain weight and the suburban thing probably you drive everywhere and I’m a homebody now and thanks to the internet who needs friends or to go out. Plus winter. Winter blahhs you betcha.

Anyway do you think stabbing myself too hard in the ear about the time I went all cloggy caused this? Or the flight back from New York, my mom had this before after Aruba. I wish we had the patience to wait to see a doctor yesterday at the clinic about it but Trace decided to do a diva and waltz out after giving them the business – long boring never a dull moment story that I don’t have the care to repeat. My ear felt better today and I felt less deaf this morning like all cleared out so I was like lets pass on the clinic but it’s back again so it’s pretty much obvious I need antibiotics to clear it up. I am pretty stubborn about doctors and shit like that I put it in a box and store it away for 2 years if I can I do not like “dealing” “with” “things” you know? I think you do.

I haven’t had carbs in 7 days.

I figure I should spend the next month doing everything I hate which is catching up on everything I have put off since forever. Like my physical. Two years overdue for that. Dentist? Yep. Shrink. Should def ring-a-ding that guy up. Lets start there, those three goals. Now, if you’re like me “the average whiner” you’ll see glowing orbs of anger and frustration encircling those three tasks. Shrink is easy, he’s downtown I’ll just have to look up the # again cos I lost everything when I switched phones. Obvi I’m not a back-up kinda person I like to use things to dust then let them collect dust even though there’s tons of photos on my bberry including one I am considering for the cover of one of my books. Grandiose yes yep. If I said poetry you’d all make fun of me so haha. Anyway, the physical will be alright cos my mom is due for hers too and we can just get it over with at the same time together. The dentist one will be the most grueling as I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds 8 cavities in there. I don’t smoke. I just drink coffee and have cavity-prone teeth and now that I eat more sweets of late I’m sure it’s a fricking wonderland up in thurr. Am I afraid of the dentist well maybe only about as much as you are afraid of Candyman.

Okay time for positives now. I went to yoga tonight and it was amazing and before that I ran on the treadmill and the day before that I slaughtered an hour on the elliptical and treadmill plus had a tan I’m doing work on my body again it’s been very very much so letting myself go this winter I haven’t been this out of shape in five years it is kinda interesting and super easy to hide it with today’s fashions. The interesting thing about being chubby now is my face is kind of younger and cuter looking and dudes are still checking me out and stuff I don’t exactly want to kill myself just yet but I have discovered it is harder to lose weight this time because I am a geezer now or it’s the booze or it’s both boozey geezerness. I’m just being straight up with you guys cos I want you to know that I will rise from the ashes again.

So every other post I write goes in to a word document. The word document ones are the crazier ones. The funnier. I think yoga did me some good, shook some cobwebs out and actually is when I started going deaf again in my left ear. The instructor is this awesome German woman with a very relaxing voice. I took her class when I was 21 and sat in the very same spot and it was like time stood still super trippy far out and the stretching was great I must continue doing this because it was a struggle to get limber and I did not like that I can’t tolerate defeat it makes me crazy. I bet anal people have way longer lists of things that make them crazy. Basically everything.

Hi I got tired and went to bed (last night) to think about this post some more before posting it, I picked out all my dumb pictures and emailed them to myself before passing out. I feel like Prozac Nation right now kind of if you were actually wondering what was going on with me read that book. Not as non-functioning as she was though. I only say that because at night in bed when I am really alone doing nothing I am alone with my mind and I get to think of shit and when people tell you how brainy you are your entire life and you’re a writer always writing or reading, consuming information when you lie down you are confronted with that blackness, no a blankness. I am sure I am not alone here pretty much everyone on the internet is plagued with over-thinking, especially the psychos.

I think about all kinds of things. I envision Aruba, plan my outfits, how many days I have to get trim. Finally starting to lose pounds. I don’t think about anything ever that stresses me out that’s the key to mental calmness bliss if you have nothing else in life you can at least have that. OMG am I being a Bhudda right now?

I don’t think about the few things that I have to get done this week, none of your business kinda things not really a secret just, whatever you’ll hear it when you hear it, but yeah I coast through the clouds on a magic carpet thinking about the reward on the other side of the rainbow. Raymbo. There I had to sorry.

I’m planning a way to get to TBay for June and in shape for that, well I guess I’ll be in shape thanks to Aruba (fingers crossed) and what to wear and ooh summer thank god for that. I’m supposed to go to D-World in April too. Being single you can mingle it will make for more interesting writing or none at all.

I regret not writing down in my moleskin (thanks D!) last night the jokes I made about myself. That’s another giant thing I think about, my murterial for the grand stand-up. It’s hilarious. But I find I am just so exhausted once I hit the bed there is no getting up out of it no matter how wild my thoughts are and awake and there goes 50 jokes down the tube. Some of it is filler-banter shit like “grasshoppers in the wild are amazing!” I think some of Jennifer Lawrence rubbed off on me watching all this Oscars-stuff on her then I was like yeah mean frig yeah my shtick will be JLaw, Chelsea Lately with a little bit of Lena Dunham. ALL REAL CHICKS Fuck YEAH! Then I got super pscyhed and more awake and depressed for myself because I couldn’t get the energy to get up and out of bed and write this golden material down but there you go I just remembered some of it. I read half of Interview magazine’s interview of L-Duns by Miranda July (uber hipster alert) and I’m sorry it got a little pretentious so moms and I had to bail and go get secret short ribs at B-Pizza lol. I can’t believe I can have that according to my diet (Nicky said Bacon, bacon, bacon, squats, salad whaaat??) but you can’t have sugar so I had dry rub there is def mad sugar in the sticky rub.

I am really sore from yoga did I complain about that yet? It’s an amazing feeling to feel feelings in my body again though. I know I can turn it around. Luckily most of my weight has gone to my tits and ass (holla whup-whup) but (BUTT) none of my jeans fit and everything I have been wearing for the past 5 years is size small or smaller so wearing clothes lately has been un-fun I am fantasizing about mumus way too fucking much and thankfully blankets are in this season wearing tons of Lenny Kravitz-approved layers but I know come spring I am capital-fucked. Luckily dudes my age and older not all of them give a care about that as much as women so I’m not horribly overlooked yes thank god men are disgusting pigs thank god godogdogodgvodogd LOL! Vodka break!

Why did 29 people like this on instagram? See what the internet does to the average narcissist? Dangerous. As I find myself retreating from all of this e-attention (it’s temporary don’t you worry) it’s neat to have the shoe on the other foot. To spectate and observe.

SO being spoofed on SNL this weekend crystal ball says! I love her so much. Totally need to see the lists whatever movie asap. I feel like she is a magical hilarious stoner who is always being bamboozled in the media and I fully relate lol. She hangs with BC and is one of the guys, she is going far duuude. Tripping up the stairs? That would happen to ALL OF YOU don’t lie.

Okay back to meeeeeeeeee now. I made it through a night without eating chocolate, I mean a day and night, 24 hours. That’s like a crackhead getting through a day without crack. (I haven’t tried crack btw I think that’s, yeah no judging!!) Anyway what else do you want to talk about?

Fine more life chronicles. On Saturday we missed the gym so we did a mall walk instead my mother brother and I. Then we bought a bottle of hazelnut baileys and killed it while playing scrabble, big time cheating on the diet for me cos I can’t have sugar. I was completely deaf by this point. I forgot to mention the kismet of watching another movie revolving around the loss of senses called Perfect Sense (low-budj but entertaining enough, features the REAL JLaw) anyway being deafish watching deaf movies listening to music right now I feel like I am hearing life underwater I have been taking Dristan to unclog so this is a photo of scrabble, she won it was close blabbity blah in the night I awoke in total agony I haven’t experienced pain that horrendous in years so while I waited for the advil sinus pain relieving pill to kick in I thought about brain tumours and other delightful things that could possibly be inside my head attacking my brain and the pain was also in my throat because that’s what happens from an infection it overtakes and spreads to your throat. Gradually every day I have been getting better. Sorry for the buzz kill. This has been an unlucky winter it is comical to me at this point like what stupid fucking thing is next? Don’t tempt fate. Which reminds me my Nana said don’t speak ill of the dead when we were talking about Michael Jackson yesterday. We were NOT slamming him but it was nice to spend time with her and hear all her Nana-isms and then I got creamed in Scrabble by her and Wynn and it was a lovely visit and I think I was called fat only about ten times or so. Then I hung out with my mom who made more comments. Then I was like I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH THE COMMENTS THANKS GUYS THANK YOU.

Oscars treat. Speed freezing trick works like a charm every time!

I take it you enjoy kettles?

Instant coffee morning I was humoured by the place mat and what a drunk might be like, natch, someone incredibly hungover then I sealed my fate by sticking around and the bank called me about international funds being transferred successfully and it became one of those being paid for doing nothing playing hooky days you know after sending an invoice blabbity blah. So what I am doing here is a job it is virtual and I can do it from anyplace and it is nice to go places. It’s a Nana thing! Over and out.

Oh selfies. Shrug.