OLDSChOOL Raymi

Think I should have an advice column? Betterliving Centre (RIP, now a WP used to have an offish www) thought so back in 2005. Shit dog this girl is old. Lets see what visionary bits of wisdom wee twenty-two year old RTM had to bequeath. I apologize in advance for any offence, not even bothering to read it. I was 22, I lived in Oakville with my new boyfriend on the main drag, I was making bank off my book, people both hated and gravitated toward me and wanted to know what I had to say. It’s like that. Simply put. Here’s some tough love a la baby Raymi.

Dear Raaaaaaymi,

I have been dating for years and years. If there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that the men I’m attracted to are wrong for me. I’ve met a few of those “really nice guys” every girl professes they want, but I’m never attracted to them. I know many women are attracted to the bad boy. I would like to change. I would like to fall in love with one of those “nice guys,” except I am never attracted to them. How do I do this? – Need a Change

Dear you are boring,i am so tired of people saying that nice guys finish last crap and women being attracted to “bad boys”. do you think men sit around going man i wish i could only fall for a nice girl but i just can’t so i have to go for a bitch, why me, wah wah, shut up. so you seem like one of those nice girl types but if you got with a nice guy type you would both be boring and wear sandals together and make friendship bracelets. so what. going for the bad guy is a cop-out and essentially means you are relying on this dude to be the interesting one so you can wow all your stupid bitch friends over lunch about how wild he is meanwhile he is secretly banging all of them and they aren’t even telling you so you know what, date the nice guy and save yourself the heartache.

Dear Raaaaaaymi,

I asked a woman out on a date after meeting her through friends. I was smitten immediately. I got her e-mail address and asked her out. Four days before our first date, I ended up getting back together with my ex-girlfriend. I still went on the date (my girlfriend knew about it) because the relationship with my girlfriend was so on-again-off-again, I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to stick. I ended up telling my date, over drinks, that I was back with my ex. She took it extremely well. Guess what? My girlfriend and I broke up again. Can I now ask the girl out again? Or will she think I’m crazy? – Single Again

Dear loser,you are obviously pussy-whipped for your ex-girlfriend and she will continue to walk all over you for the rest of your life because you allow yourself to be one of those i-will-drop-everything-in-the-hopes-she-will-take-me-back-even-for-just-a-little-while type guys and you are a careless moron who will never move forward and on to newer and better relationships until this hussy is out of the picture for good, and i mean, no friendly phone calls and emails and getting together every so often to buy her lunch. you know she shit-talks you. seriously. eventually (hopefully) you will convince some other woman to be your lady and she will be just like your ex and control you forever. why are you even bothering to ask my advice? you know you’re going to get back with your ex anyhow and you’ll probably get married and then she will leave you for some rich dude and then you will kill yourself. boring.

Dear Raaaaaaymi,

I have had a boyfriend for two years, long-distance. At a party I met another guy. We talked for three hours. I didn’t mention I had a boyfriend because it never came up. I later learned (through the rumour mill) he also has a girlfriend. I know I didn’t mention I wasn’t single, so I can’t blame him for no mentioning he wasn’t single. But I can’t help but wonder why neither of us said anything. We’ve kept in touch through e-mail. In my last e-mail, I told him my boyfriend was coming to visit. I never heard from him again. What does this all mean? – Confused

Dear Fatso,long-distance relationships are bullshit and the most boring thing ever to have to listen about at parties and everyone knows you are pathetic because you can’t find someone to be with who lives near you and you are wasting your time and when you meet up with your fake-boyfriend inside you are going, i hate him, fuck do i hate him, because if you were that into each other you would just move there or he would move to where you are and if he is one of those freak of nature monogamous types who is making you pretty i miss you packages and spoiling you from afar and thinks the world of you and you are out on the town pretending to be single you are a cunty wench who SHOULD BE SINGLE FOR FUCKSAKES! what does this all mean? it means you blew your chance with this other guy who had no interest in you to begin with and you saying you had a boyfriend made him go phew, see ya and showed him how much of a liar you are and he is also a piece of shit for having a girlfriend and not saying so. you are all pieces of shit and you probably dress lame.

Anyway, I have been a listen lady for eleven years this November. People heed my advice over that of their own family and friends. Need Help? raymi@raymitheminx.com

XOXO

ps. colleague i need new biz cards STAT.

pps. speaking of oldchool check my blog template. I know right? Trip down memory I could give a fuck lane. It’s content, always the content. Anywhoo. I feel like my design guys think I am richer than I am and wanna gouge me based on how my fame has quadrupled since we first merged forces (also they’re mega busy with paying clients as all design guys are), so, anyone who wants to whip this shit into shape feel free to get at me and use me on your portfolio. You’d be surprised the doors RAYMITHEMINX can open for you. Just ask other Lil Raymis. Cheers governa’.