i had to discuss stuff with my doctor yesterday about how 9/11 made me crazy and describe what panic attacks feel like and how they occur for me personally. about once a week i’ll be out somewhere doing my thing and i’ll overhear a conversation or a song lyric, see something on television and then my whole body tingles and i feel sheer panic and it lasts a couple of minutes then goes away. whatever it is that sets me off i will interpret it to be some kind of meaning meant specifically for me to overhear or witness, like a sign and then i’ll think i am in danger and really it is fucking terrifying and there’s nothing i can do about it, i mean, preventitive. it’s like a part of my brain is permanently damaged now due to post traumatic stress and maybe a lot of drugs.

so yeah, i’m a lot better at handling it but sometimes randomly depending on my mood or situation i am in, some friggin’ song will be playing that i heard when i was in a psychosis state way back when and i’ll get the heebie-jeebies all over again.

my heart will pound and pound and i’ll sweat a lot and feel faint and flush and then everyone around me is against me or trying to tell me something and i can’t figure it out.

so in this sense yeah i guess i am kuh-razy. it’s pretty much why i started drinking heavily, if i polluted my brain it wouldn’t be able to function manically and make connections and theories about nothing. i know it sounds stupid but in the beginning when i started drinking up again i never felt so safe, like the monsters couldn’t get at me cos i wasn’t able to think about them and i could be left alone

feh.