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in life, one should always ask themselves, what would raymi do? someone was describing a restaurant to me recently and they were impressing that it had great atmosphere and what not, i interjected and asked Would Raymi Like It? if the answer is yes then proceed. you can apply this method to lots of things as a general practical guide to life if you are ever feeling lost and directionless. seeing as i am a professional blogger and my area of expertise dwells in the all things life category, i essentially am a life expert too. these are the mitts they use for bread loaves. guess how many times i said GO TO BREAD (bart simpson quote)(not as funny when you have to explain your jokes right) i think i said it at least 20 times. modest.

variety is a key spice of life, an ingredient where i thrive. check all these buzz words and catch phrases eh, i think my next raymi army branch will be televangelism blogging. anyway, does raymi want to go on a bread/cookie factory tour of Shasha Co. on family day at ten in the morning with a bunch of little kids and parents? insert most sarcastic voice ever: resounding duh heard ’round the world.

and of course my adventurehouse co-horts didn’t make it out. i laid the guilt on thick but i know that i am the only idiot who is for real keen on this stuff. why does anyone want to wake up early on a holiday monday when they’ve been partying the night before?

i think it would be an honour to eat one of my hairs in a cookie.

shasha is a trip. he looks like an action figure. i love what i do because i get to discover the background story, the bizarre and irrelevant, mmm mmm my favourite.

if i was a president founder of anything (oh wait i am!) i’d give tours (of my house?) just so i could talk to little kids and people about dumb jokes i said once.

my colleague was all uh i thought you weren’t doing the peace sign anymore raymi. just this one more time. for family day i’m keepin’ it Churchill to throw down for my gramps. ha my grandpa kinda looked like winston C and my grandma, the queen. seriously.

i suggest shasha install a trolley car from building to building to cart tourists to and fro from HQ to factory to adopt a disneyland feel. or a slide. kris says in the corus building they have a slide from the third floor to the first but no one uses it cos you get static electricity shocks. hilarious. also hilarious, being the before person in a static cling dryer sheet commercial all day long in an office environment. just saying. can someone at corus invent a reason for me to come by for a social media consultation (there i just invented it for you you’re welcome) so i can come do a superman down this slide of lore (if it even exists) and film it? i know people at corus read my blog. how do you find out if people read your blog? write about them. what’s up howard?

just kidding i don’t know a howard.

naturally, this part of the tour was a highlight for me. nothing like normal people en masse going through an obstacle course like american gladiators in hairnets and winter jackets, and raymi.

oh my god i made so many (oh so many) stuffing kids into ovens, hansel and gretel, children made of cookies wisecracks. whispered them. silent laughing and forcing your face into a not smile is SO hard and then you convulse, gets funnier, make eye contact with a two year old on his father’s shoulders, pinch purse your lips, keep it together oh god. fun and weird and we learned something. um, sort of. i know i’m smart enough i don’t really need to learn anything here. well i guess i do as i funnel out bits of information to you (lazier than me) a-holes. sigh. fine.

later on he had a microphone and an amp. like a guitar amp. shasha is also a musician so i bet that’s his band practice amp too. it looked cool and funny to talk to a crowd through a guitar amp. when everyone left i picked up the mic and was going to address everyone but i thought i should keep it mature. a little.

princess leia meets public enemy meets this photo is not at all flattering.

reeking of maturity. check those eye bags oh yeah. severe ADD. very regressed i am. it was fun to be a kid for a bit, really was. keeps you young.

taking an iphone pic lemme facebook that. i said lemme twitta that (big ups andy milonakis) during my globe and mail interview. i bet they won’t use it. i said many (many) stupid things. i sound articulate and normal, breezy even, in normal people talking time but then they mic you and you turn into intergalactic retardo big time. in future, do not prepare me or ask me questions unless the camera is rolling. i need original cues, those are the best sound bytes. i think best on my feet, if i even think at all.

hmm this looks important, it’s red and round, maybe i should press it. there wasn’t one time ever when we were told to not press or pull anything. mega loophole. i guess it means it’s ok then.

begging for bread, very pilgrim. pilgrim is a hot look. it’s up there with gyspy. except more humble.

i nexted that little girl and grabbed my own piece. i wanted the experience of selecting my own piece. i am anal like that. i later felt bad for not letting her be the little adorable helper she was. i swear i went preschool, i am not proud of myself at all. it was my secret shame i carried with me throughout the entire tour. when do you think woody allen will be calling me up?

oh my god carbs. i only ate a third of this, no, 2/3 and i didn’t bring hot sauce. i rolled it up into a huge hot bread ball inside my napkin and when we walked by a garbage can i did a slow motion arc slam dunk and yelled BOOM. it got two laughs.

where is my hairnet? second favourite part of all this. oh i’m an idiot i’m wearing it man i’m smart right now.

sometimes i just don’t know what to say.

so just give ‘em the vanna whites. i think this is when vivian came in and went IT’S RAYMI HI RAYMI. how amazing is that timing? i’m game show posing for a stupid glamour shot and in walks a fan. a fan, excuse me, i need a fan, where’s my fan? remember that joke from the spice world movie? poshsays it and in runs a screaming fan. this is why during the party sean ward threw at horseshoe when he said where’s affan (real person’s name) we need affan to come to the stage i thought they were doing that same bit, and i laughed my ass off, but then this little wiry brown dude comes forward, and i still think it’s funny cos here’s the fan, but no what, his actual name is affan? priceless. double entendre dying forever and ever amen.

FREEBIRD! (that’s kris’ joke).

this is how you wear a hairnet. that kid did a hilarious (he wasn’t hurt) face plant trip into a wall in the foyer and he landed with his face against the wall and lying down on his stomach and he was ok it was fine but there was a second where as a spectator you’re not sure, but then the dad explodes into laughter so we were allowed to laugh at the kid too. and then, we did. man i can’t wait to have a little idiot version of me it’s going to be so wicked i’ll have this exceptionally gifted monster doing some creative destruction of a playroom with a new age schoolteacher encouraging this terrorization monstrosity and my friends (in this fantasy i haven’t seen my friends in three years time) will be like, is that, that’s your kid? i’ll be yep that’s my little ray of sunshine as little raymi is decapitating teddy bears and painting the floor. isn’t she incredible? i’m going to try to enforce a no swearing zone. once my brother and i started to cuss (prematurely) my parents thought it was clever and cute, but then we wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t funny anymore. hahaha hi dad love you.

i like how photos say a thousand translucent words about the type of person i am. leader of the pack, i keep a distance and i want to be first. for everything. jesus i am annoying. look at how much i think rules don’t apply to me.

this is the type of in-between shot my brother would get of my mom on his cellphone and we’d snicker at it to drive her nuts.

cookienthusiasts. one kid was documenting everything with a digital camera point and shoot, i saw him do a cool pan of the entire line of cookies being baked. future blogger.

there’s one part when shasha spoke about ezekial bread, biblical bread, 7 grains, nutrients i dunno i forget but it gave me a joke base of course. i wanted shasha to go messiah complex and refer to himself as God. maybe next family day?

could easily stuff him in there. or you. i bench-pressed casie today i’m strong enough to lift a human.

would i get a bad burn if i stuck my hand in there and stole a cookie? i was too shy to ask that in real life. yes, i get shy. i am cute. cute people get shy.

dude, you mean, your keys are locked inside the car? can you come up with a better stoner caption for this?

here i am asking if i can lie down superman position on the cookie conveyor and he’s telling us about cookie rain. ok you one-upped me this round Shasha. ps. did you know these are the healthiest cookies in the universe. i mean, galaxy. i mean, whats more vast than that? heavens?

hairnets make me look fat.

here i am talking to that guy who is going to walk to the north pole. shasha is making bread for him, dense bread for his travels so he can be like frodo and samwise. i was like um are you mental why do you want to walk to the north pole? childhood obesity. ok so, were you fat then ever? nope. he said to motivate others to get in shape you have to do something big. yeah i’ll say that is super big. being out of contact for over thirty days. that is massive. eaten by a polar bear, or falling through ice. two real top threats.

look at me all incredulous. then i said why are you starting your quest from etobicoke? he laughed at me. he’s flying to some place i forget, nunuvut maybe and starting there. so i go, well isn’t that cheating then? i say what’s on people’s minds. i am better than FOX news and just as tactful.

here i am likely saying how he’s something out of forrest gump.

my fan. i tell you, my demographic is far reaching and beautifully broad. raymi army.

listening to my higher power.


READ THIS 12 QUESTIONS INTERVIEW a la raymi. How do you define virtue?

I don’t know one person who is defined as this nor do I think one exists therefore it is an irrelevant ideal.

oooh deep and feisty. “It’s her life and she loves it. And we can’t help it – all of us here at 12 Questions love it too.” awwwwwwwwwwwww!

14 thoughts on “SHASHATTACK

  1. This made me laugh so hard … one of your best stream of consciousness posts! I wish I’d gotten up early for the bread tour now. :-(

  2. Last summer a family of raccoons broke into the back patio doors of my GF’s apartment and they ransacked the place but didn’t eat anything except for a bag of ShaSha’s cookies. Even the raccoons intro have high standards

  3. *****(still laughing)

    That was a top 10 post for sure. ***(snort)
    I wanted to read it..on to what might happen next.

  4. I have a strange talent – I do squats while holding my 35 lb beagle sometimes. And yet The Motion Room bootcamp almost kills me. Need to get more upper body strength!

  5. Hi Raymi, I am coming out of lurkdom just this once.
    It was fun seeing you in action and meeting you at ShaSha.
    It’s true folks, she is a charm in person.
    Your Fan XO

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