notes from the president
oh yeah so i sometimes take down notes when something i find to be funny, useful, blog-worthy, whathaveyou comes to mind as i’m givin’er ie. the internet machine is turned off. then fil is all what did you just write down? and i have to explain it and he is usually givin’er also so the idea CLEARLY is a good one to us cos we sit there nodding in silence at what i just read aloud but the true test is whether it makes it to my www soapbox the next day or not. with each passing day after the shit i long-handed is not blogged, that’s usually a sign the thing was not actually funny or really 99% of the time i am too lazy to put the brainpower into following through with it. (guess what, you know this thing is like actual work sometimes. you try coming up with twenty thousand captions a year. i actually just did some math to come up with that number and simplified the hell out of it it’s more like 50 BILLION captions anyway back to how tough this is) usually i just blog verbatim what i wrote down and leave it at that. now that’s just lazy of me right. i have to stop doing that and it starts right now!
RAYMI’S GUIDE TO GETTING STUCK TALKING TO SOCIALLY AWKWARD ANNOYING BORING PARTY GUESTS
now i know this will not accurately apply to everybody because i for one quite enjoy the company of the socially inept. i find solace in them but mostly it gives me the opportunity to conversation hog, steer the verbal ship in any direction i please and so on. even when they are giant debbie downers i will still grace them with an hour of my time and take every negative thing they have to say. what is wrong with me other than everything.
but really, many of you aren’t as nice as me and much prefer to hover in your cliquey judgmental circles instead, leaving the loners to sit with their arms crossed staring at the floor. rude. so what to do? cos we all want to hang with our pals for the majority of the nite but we don’t want to look like dicks right.
get your party martyrdom out of the way at the beginning of the nite and don’t be too greedy about it either. i could talk someone’s face off for five hours if you’d let me. fuck, even a houseplant, i’m easy. point being, as tough as it can be to break away from loner lisa when there’s no one else to pawn her off on you gotta do it cos later on you will pass each other in the hall and you will get a stingy guilt pang, the more time spent with loner lisa, the more guilt you’re dealt. like oh shit i learned all about her dead hamster and now look at me a stumbling drunken asshole party machine, i’m not the same person loner lisa thought i was two hours ago (it’s like i lied to her) and worse, she gives you that look like how could you, she thought you were different because you were, you appealed to all her needs, you were a good listener, you gave and took equally but now you’re just explosively selfishly doing a dickhead dance in the middle of the room taking all the glory and tomorrow morning guess what your hangover anxiety is going to be focused on? yep. loner lisa’s family farm that was taken away when her dad filed for bankruptcy. happy now?
i guess i’m writing this as a plea for your advice too. 9 out of ten parties i go to the first half is spent devouring some stranger’s secrets (i have this thing about me i suppose where people feel totally compelled to tell me super personal shit and that’s cool not complaining) and the second half is spent hiding behind ikea shelves avoiding eye contact because i know if i see nerdy norbert again i will include him in whatever i am doing, then my shithead friends will be mean to him, roll their eyes at me and one by one ditch me with him and then i’m back at stage one and guy usually misreads my friendliness and it gets awkward.
another tip is find another socially awkward fella and pair them off. well, in theory you’d think that’d work simple but then you have TWO mutes standing side-by-side staring at you like you’re a trained monkey i am so sick of doing all the work for these guys holy can they make one iota of effort ever? ha ha i like how i am the victim now. one time i thought i was helping someone out by doing that bridget jones move this is blah blah and blah blah likes movies and cheese, blah blah meet bla bla. bla bla also likes movies and cheese. later on they turn on each other, some kind of out-geeking competition and decide to gossip to me about the other like i gave a fuck i don’t know either of you go away stop rubber-necking every time i move the direction of my gaze to catch my eye and nod at me like we are in this together or something!
in conclusion, at parties if it is at all possible, leave your conscience at home.
As a member of the socially awkward, I appreciate this. But the most fun is when a socially awkward person finds someone who’s even more socially awkward (and I mean way less, not just equally mute), so it ends up just this giant babbling mess of a conversation that is fun for all involved.
i can’t believe you do long-hand first. that’s a lot of work. and then do you keep the paper? i imagine/hope not (that’s a lot of paper).
I usually start talking to these people when I’m drunk already cause then if I do get into awkward weird conversations I don’t care about being rude and just walking away.
the part in bold is all i wrote down then i flesh out some points aloud then the next day whatever i remember i bipolar express here. hahaha brosz7.
I’ll admit to occasionally being a socially awkward annoying boring party guest (hahaha, I *wish* it was occasionally). I usually deal with it myself, so somebody else doesn’t have to. Step 1) Klonopin and/or Step 2) vodka.
If I see anyone in the same shoes… Step 1) Give them Klonopin/Xanax and/or Step 2) Give them vodka :p
Of course, my method can backfire in several ways. Especially if you’re mixing benzos and alcohol. There’s a very good chance you’ll end up with an outgoing socially ignorant but still boring party guest (i.e. do not ever, EVER say the words Jesus, hair, CSS or copyright in my presence if I’ve been drinking unless know you’re capable of telling me to STFU).
remember when i had an advice column? me neither. but i think i wrote about this at one point, if you’re looking for advice. this is better advice tho by far.
oh candice you’re totally fine.
steph did i ask you to write about this topic? where did that advice column go hahaha i want to see it.
Dude, I was popping Klonopin that entire weekend, starting right after I got the text message that said “United Airlines Flight #417 has been cancelled”.
I just have a little bit of the ass burgers. That’s all. Ramble ramble ramble.
This BETTER NOT be about me.
Oh I don’t know, when I’m awkward its usually cause everyone is putting me off, when I see other awkwards I assume its the same for them. Who wans to meet friends at a shitty party?? If its a good party, no one is awkward!
It is a bad idea to try and drink away social awkwardness. A bad idea all around. Speaking from experience.
Better to be awkward, in the long run.
1. Cute dress.
2. I call the phenomenon you describe “diving on the grenade,” i.e. the man in black pajamas throws amid your platoon and you dive on it to save the platoon.
I also tend to do this often at parties, particularly when I throw them. We’ve all felt like an underdog now and then, and I think it shows character to “take one for the team,” and subject yourself to 30-60 minutes (NO MORE) of debbie or doug downer.
(I have gone so far as to talk with a diagnosed, medicated schizophrenic guy about fantasy books for an hour at a party my MOM had. Stamp LOSER on my forehead.)
However, that said… why can they never naturally end a conversation, like how it happens with “the normals.”
I always conveniently take a leak/get a drink/smoke a bowl, and then just get caught up in another conversation with someone else, because it is an easy way to end those tortuous conversations.
Nevertheless, I always notice I am the only one who spends a decent/polite amount of time with these kinds of people, which begs the question… am I one of them and I don’t know it? Queue ((((((((GONG))))))))))
uh… the man in the black pajamas throws grenades.
I throw parties.
I’m cool. Really. Why won’t anybody talk to me?
You wrote about Debbies. What about Ashley Alcoholics? Privileged no minds who can’t control their booze, create drama, if you were to inquire about their “Coach” purse, you would have to listen to them say, “It’s real…it’s real” (even though it’s the ugliest fake monstrosity of a counterfeit status bag this side of Giant Tiger) – they are 18-24 years old and chances are their name is Ashley…
I think that the pic of you leaning against the window in your blue dress is the best photo of you ever. Props to Fil?
Hey Raymi, you could rejig this post into a factoid and publish on Factoidz and make $2 a year for the rest of time. Just letting you know, I think this wisdom would be popular there.
lindsey did you read my coach purse rant. i have nothing more to offer on these chicks cos i avoid them like aids.
http://raymitheminx.blogspot.com/2008/04/goofiest-looking-bags-evs.html
I have gone so far as to talk with a diagnosed, medicated schizophrenic guy about fantasy books for an hour at a party my MOM had.
oh man hahahha and yes i have done similar on numerous occasions. another theory is morbid curiosity of these types and seeing how far we can push ourselves tolerating the awkward.
thanks mat.
awesome. and check out your friends in the comments worrying that you’re talking about them.
the 70s coug one-piece is $.
You should teach a class in throwing parties.