im starving. mum wake up and feed me. i will go wake you up in a minute because we have to work out. i love working out dude. i love running on the treads going woooht wooht hoooAH to the music! and all the ladies are on the eliptical looking at me in the mirror funny and i am like sorry thunderthighs i’m skinny, don’t hate me kuz ya ain’t me!
feh.
i swear they pump all the good songs once i’m done cardio and i go oh man wtf.
today me and mums are going to the drugplace and i will finally say the trooths of the trooths and i am actually looking forward to it this time kuz i’ll be, remember the last time when i said this and this and this well really THIS and THIS and THIS is what i was trying to convey and now i’m not hoarding secrets for myself or others anymore.
my strength is scarey.
even though i could only push you over when you were already on the floor in the crouch position.
today you are fourteen years old and i remember your birth like it was oh, but yesterday. i held you in my arms as you spittled down your chin and said, “beer me.”
you are my clone.
you are the bluntest funniest blunt and you roll your eyes a lot and your cds are a mess like mine and it’s my favorite when the best songs skip anyway.
you tole the POD he had the worst haircut during truth or dare jenga and i pissed down my leg. not ‘cos he does have the worst hair but out of us he does, for obvious reasons because it is not long and lustrous and flowing like a river. sorry POD, it’s still pretty nice though.
most of my clothes look better on you.
you had a spazz-attack, i had a scarier one, and i think we are still friends.
just come back soon so i can re-gift you some raymithings. i miss you and the rentme-stolen bicycle needs a reason to be ridden into your floozy little heart again.
You’re pretty and i miss you. happy birthday. let’s make a aimeeraymibaby. it would tool the world.
i cleaned the whole damn house today but once it got time for dishes all i could do was go meh and fill the sink and slam them all in there. im pretty tired now. at least i wasn’t hung over today. i want to go to lasertag and go-karts.
it is cousin kristi’s 19th bday soon there’s a surprise party for her this week. i’ll just give her a bunch of slutty clothes that don’t fit me anymore or i don’t wear and i’ll give her back her fake von dutch hat, wait, no i won’t. last time she was here her button flew off her jeans and i go man you really ARE fatter and she is all oh thanks lauren and i’m what what what? oh right, that was not a nice thing to say. i can’t help bossing her around and shit, it’s just the way we work together. i talk shit to her and she does it right back. her little brother is a friggin’ criminal and is finally banned from school and he dresses like a junky and i bet he’s on the white devil kuz he is awful skinny and he does have fly-off-the-handle, coke-style rages. kristi tole me she stomped on him with high heels once. that’s pretty funny.
sometimes it is like she is the only one on the face of this earth who feels breathes sleeps sits alone and feels the bite and the kick of loneliness tho’ she stands up in it embraces it keeps her chin up in it endures survives it and nobody sees this girl her impatience her desires and impulses no one jumps in to save the girl to take advantage of her effed-upness no one knows she could be would be their girl
the self says, i am; the heart says, i am less; the spirit says, you are nothing. – Theodore Roethke
11:50pm January 4 2001 – JetFuel, Cabbagetown - lkw
she’s got
she has
this face,her eyes so small but pupils big
deep grey, green, blue
she’s got these hands so small & dainty and calloused
why but how
she’s got this vicious smirk
on her face
laughter contagious it makes you stop your breath
she has these cheekbones chiseled, sexy, strong
oh my she has this handsome original something
her nose is priceless her body movements are subtle concise and smooth you want to take her hands
you cannot read her
she has this smile it haunts
and her lips her teeth her mouth they drawl and purse when she tells you
and she holds her cigarette like an old woman, a traveller from Portofino
she has this gaze where she is looking into me half sad half something else
anything
she seems to always be pissed-off amused or tired
her chin is clefted, strong, soft
her ears you want to pinch the lobes between thumb and middlefinger as her eyes look up at you and fill with water
she has this presence we all stop and look when she walks in we all say hello how are you though we all leave her be we know she wants and wants not our company and we will never know which one she wants
she’s got
she has this exquisite face
this face you find you are always looking at
drawn-to, making you uncomfortable
she’s got i mean she has this exquisitely, haunting face
We arrived here Saturday, July 30th @ 1:30pm under a hot, humid sun. Our new car endured the trip north on highway 10 for the first time, loaded down with a week’s worth luggage.
We spent Saturday afternoon by the pool and had dinner at the Inn.
Sunday morning dawned sunny and hot (humid) with a nice breeze. After an excellent breakfast at the Inn we swam in the unheated pool (which was nice once you got use to it) and then made plans for our afternoon. The town was full of teenagers enjoying the long weekend.
Sunday afternoon Shawn bought a Nirvana t-shirt (Lauren bought a Beavis&Butthead t-shirt Saturday night).
Shawn and mum walked downtown while Lauren and Dad drove to the beach (which was very crowded) to meet mum and Shawn in the early afternoon. Our first visit to the beach was pleasant, with the kids swimming in the lake and mum + dad enjoying the sun by the car.
Many people complimented our new car and after awhile, dad and shawn played catch which abruptly ended when dad bounced the hardball off a silver Chevrolet’s hood.
After dinner, which was take-out from Pizza Delight, we went for a drive on the beach in Sauble North/South Beach,bwhere the newly-tinted windows were opened for the first time.
The weather was clear and a nice sunset was starting.
Dad needed some Rolaids so we stopped at the trading Post store on the beach. The kids got a waffle yogurt and slushy and then dad backed the car into a garbage can!
This ruined the rest of the day for dad because the back corner of the car was scratched.
When we got back to the room, Lauren kicked the Knight’s Inn ball on the roof and mum got dunk and vomited after mixing wine and Bailey’s.
Monday dawned sunny with partial clouds and finally clouded over with a small shower in the evening. Breakfast at the Inn, swimming, no beach, walked the strip, dinner from pizza delight, no drinking for Tracey or dad. Watched movies on TMN, Dad and Shawn practised pitching, watched TV @ Night.
i am writing songs in you and reading books and magazines and drinking coffee in you and running the cat away from you and sniffling in the heat and passing out in cigarette comas and beads of water globs on my chest and killing flies by accident and saying that’s what you get when you land on my body tho i didn’t mean to explode you on my thigh that was a mistake
we have to feed the white trash cats today
kristi turns 19 soon
finally
did anyone get my fucking mexico postcards yet what the fuck
today i don’t know what to do with myself. saturdays fuck me up. everyday is like a saturday for me but the real saturdays are different because everyone else is around chinatown styles and i’m like oh hey we are the same today and it’s just, different, but special. like during-the-week-saturdays, people kill to hang with me but real-saturdays they’re like, see ya!
and no i’m not talking about anyone in particular i’m talking about EVERYONE in particular. it’s mostly my fault kuz i never make plans and never want to make plans i wait for plans to happen to me so fuck that no more.
