it’s been awhile since i have written about sexy things.
i don’t know if sex is even interesting anymore. to read about. to write about. to even think about. it’s like, yawn unless you can think of funny things to go along with it, you know?
or go deep and look at the whole thing like it’s big and interesting or something.
i guess this is how hookers feel, or ex-hookers, or nymphs.
anyway.
apparently bipolars are horny fuckheads. i guess i could use that as an excuse.
more of a cop-out i think.
drinking coffee makes me horny.
the caffeine and the sugar goes right to my clitoris it’s crazzy.
one beer does it to me as well.
panty removing beverages, pretty much.
though, not like i scream out the window EXCUSE ME PEDESTRIANS, I’M READY TO BE FUCKED NOW JUST LETTING YOU KNOW!
i kinda politely pull down my trousers and go to town on myself and if the mister is there he is like uhhhh huh huhuhuhuh (horny noises) ok let’s do this.
so the lady in the apartment next door can hear everything all the time as i’ve mentioned before and she is always there and it’s always in the back of my mind and well, it doesn’t spoil it really, it’s just this thing that i am aware of and i think well maybe i should shut my mouth up, tone it down perhaps?
but then i’m like, F her!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW unng ungh and so on etc.
sometimes we think we can hear her, uh, doing things, but then there’ll be some weird random i-don’t-know-what noises coming from there and we pause in the hallway to try and figure them out and it’s like she is doing construction work or something in there on herself and rearranging furniture at the same time and moaning.
weird.
i wouldn’t mind living beside me and listening to all of the dumb things that i say.
it beats having to be me.
i would bump into myself once in awhile and congratulate the next-door-neighbour-me for that one knock knock joke from a week ago and then me would give me a look that meant, why are you listening in on my life but also me would be flattered in a major way.
so, don’t get any three-way ideas with this neighbour female because she is:
1. old
2. not hot
3. gross like
4. truck driver gross
5. also bragged about being racist and said she hated fags though i know it was just to make conversation but still, it wasn’t something to be impressed by at all.
6. plus she’s a pothead and i have prejudice against that because i have nothing better to do
so me and fil are going for an interview tomorrow and the girl said there is this one episode coming up where you learn sex positions and she said hush hush the audience won’t know that u are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. she said that only attractive people can be on the show because that’s what people at home watching want to be looking at and i said ok. my friend mike had a taping over the weekend and girl said it went very well and he was funny and stuff.
i hope i don’t get all tv hyper weird and be all clever.
wait.
that’s the point to this.
maybe i’ll have to sit there and list off every sex partner i’ve ever had and go into lengthy detail about why most of them were crap.
maybe they’ll let me talk about my cat. that would be the best. in my opinion.
maybe there will be all these new sex things going on in the world and i’ll be out of the loop and look like a knobby librarian.
whatever.
just as long as i get to plug this stupid blog and come off as better than everybody else, i will be happy.
i finished reading the new coupland book finally.
i read in slow motion these days.
i think about stuff that leads to other stuff and go in circles and fil is like um are you still on page two?
ten trillion people have emailed me about coupland’s reading in toronto that’s coming up soon. i don’t think i am going to go to it. ok i am 100 per cent certain that i am not going to it. first of all it costs ten dollars via ticketmaster.
secondly, dude won’t even be singing a song or anything and he also never responded to that one dumb email i wrote a couple years ago and i really don’t feel like sitting with other studious nerdburglars who think they are the boss off authors and feel obligated to chuckle at certain parts of the reading.
also, i will want to go up and meet him and shake his hand and then i’ll blubber and go ruhhhhh uhhhh i am obsessed with you so much and your microserfs book sent me to the looney bin.
thanks for that? ps. dickhead you never replied to my email.
and also i am depressed as crap now that i have read all of your books, beautiful and insightful as they are why can’t i have books, eh?
i think that it would be a w k w a r d and embarassing all around so, feh.
i should have gone to that other reading of his back when i was in grade ten and got it over and done with and that would be that but no, i was busy being up to no good and faking a british accent, dating that 29 year old.
i feel like tomorrow i am going to wake up and be thirty years old and i am going to blame it on everybody.
just before we watched it, tim called and he said that it was a crappy movie and it made him extremely mad whilst watching it so this got me worried that the next 2 hours would be lackluster but they weren’t so tim can take his opinion and shove it up his anus because he is hyper-critical about everything.
we spent a good hour making fun of me at the horseshoe btw, aimee was loving it.
ok back to godsend.
i say rent it because there are four alternate endings to it and you will have a lot of fun playing asshole commentator the whole way thru and there is also one part where the bully kid dies yes! and the one who plays his mum who cries theatrically is fil’s cousin. random.
it’s not like the number one movie ever but there isn’t much to be renting these days so it is adequately scarey enough plus de niro is a jerkbag selfish doctor and you are like i hate that guy when you watch it.
i was suppose to go get interviewed for this talking about sex panel tv show thing on the life network late last week but i totally spaced out when the girl called and forgot to call back and set up an interview until just now i remembered about it and i am allowed to bring all other loudmouth opinionated persons along for it as well because the show was renewed 39 new episodes. i will call this woman tomorrow.
i’m listening to the recording we did during band practise yesterday and it makes me cringe, jump-out-of-a-window styles listening to myself sing though some parts i think wow i invented singing!
my favorite is the in-between parts of songs where there are little mistakes and me burping.
the zoom recorder was being a bitch and kept turning off and it took us forever to realise that it sounded like total ass only out of the PA but via the headphones, it was kind of professional.
the general concensus is psychotic insecurity so no one is allowed to hear the “test” yet which sucks. i was like DAD YO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO HEAR THIS! and he is like LIKE HELL THEY ARE!
he lectures me a lot about being a big rockstar/showboat who doesn’t have the right to be bragging ‘cos not like they’re that good a singer and it’s funny because i don’t ever brag about singing, i rarely talk about it, he just gets worried about my saying that a trillion people will be into it for novelty’s sake and he will die of embarassment if we are mediocre and i keep telling him you know, people in bars and pubs are dumb and don’t notice fuck ups or anything, i could be clanging on a metal garbage can and singing backwards and it would be good enough.
the only thing that it wouldn’t be good enough for would be snotty asshole blog comment hacks. this is what matthew good told me, more or less. he used the word snotty and asses to describe high-standard music critics gone web. personally, i equate them with the comic book store owner on the simpsons.
funny yet annoying and mean.
ok, take away the funny part.
i think my dad is just playing the recording to crack the whip so i will actually practise and maybe smoke less and talk less, i dunno.
the instruments sound fine to me, it’s just my voice that is bothering me.
i’m sick of hearing me and everytime we practise i start to think that they’re all getting sick of it too so i feel like i am being rude when i am singing my part.
which is silly i know but i still can’t help feeling that way.
i think i drank away all of my self-esteem.
humble is fine i suppose.
perhaps i missed the upper-management material boat?
matthew good said i should be a sea captain.
hmm.
i’ll probably just draw retarded forever until i make a picasso or something.
once it turns dark, the i want a beer bug rears its head.
could be worse. it could be weed again. that was more of a 24/7 type thing. giving up on life type thing. and not to say that drinking everyday isn’t any better, because in many ways it is much worse.
my memory is garbage.
i never thought that would happen, could happen, to me, never.
i mean, i still remember a lot of things, things other people do not. details. descriptions. random things. abstract. who cares.
though, it’s like a huge blurry block of time and space of the last three or four months or whatever feels like the same nite, day, week, over and over and over again in my mind.
drinking is a way to stay in the same place, safely.
it’s something to look forward to and something to forget and something to wish away and something to ignore completely.
for me it was a safety crutch to begin with. to drown out all the scarey thoughts i had and i worry a little bit if they will all come back to haunt me once i sober up. if mania will happen all over again once summer is here and i completely lose it and this time around have a heart attack. i dunno.
i wanted to slow down my mind so i did.
and i didn’t write any of this to hear lectures or advice so don’t bother.
some posts are buzzkills.
anyhow, let’s discuss my hang over. it wouldn’t be much of a hang over if i had been able to sleep properly and if all the stupidity what is my life past/present didn’t weigh on my conscience so much or if i had the capacity to stop the cycle.
sometimes this planet is not big enough.
this hang over is more like a fuzzy heaviness on the back of my neck and head and if i am lucky, perhaps the feeling will last.
nevermind.
this is what my future will be like if i keep up this nonsense.
