you’d think the mailman would deliver mail faster on fridays and have it in your box by 9 am because he is all PAAAAAAAAAAARTY FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAY and is on speed. the mailguy takes a taxi to my street and that’s when/where he begins. i’ve seen him. that’s funny. why doesn’t he just get the cabbie to deliver all his mail for him and he can chill at home and they can speak on walkie talkies and the mailguy will be like oh watch out for that house because the lady watches out the window and if you walk across her lawn she will call and complain and she gives scary mean looks and i hate her.

anyway i would love to bump into a mail carrier party in a bar one day and see them all wearing shorts and reading return to sender letters and changed address magazines.

i haven’t washed my hair for a couple days well coming on today it would be three so my hair feels like the forest and looks as such and some parts are crunchy. i slept with a sleeping mask on last nite and i thought i was blind when i got up. my eyelashes with mascara all kinda fused together and so i was extra extra blind like i was in a psychological thriller where people wake up blind and their cats take over the household.

yes, much excitement in these parts today.

we are going to a show tonite where they play music for hip kids that sounds like japanese breakfast cereal commercials in hotel rooms.

i will tell you all about it later on.

mg said on the fone last nite that my writing makes it seem like i live in a whole other country and i guess he is correct because i think that’s what i was aiming for all along. at least it feels like i live in a different country and when i go to visit people i have all these retarded stories to tell and i feel like i am waving to them in slow motion the entire time and wearing an astronaut’s helmet so as to not breathe their atmosphere and then i am like see you and go down the street back to my house, i mean, country.

one time i fell off of the park when i was really young and landed on all fours and i was screaming the whole way down so my mouth was open when i landed and all this sand got inside of it so i guess you could say i hit my head also and these two older boys saw and ran over and tried to help me up but i was like no it’s ok i’ll just lay here like i had meant to fall and i was now building a sand village and they were like ok fine and ran off.

the moral of the story is, don’t wear those shitty little girl sandals and climb on top of the tube slide because you think you’re badass like MR.T.

this tattoo zine called motel bazooka that’s distributed in ottawa and quebec published my how to be a small town slut article and i received it in the mail a couple days ago and i was thinking to take it around to all the bars and show it drunk blind people but then i just noticed i’ve been using it as a coaster for my beer and whoops so much for that.

ok so we watched survivor like it is the newest thing i told everbody all of my opinions about all of the commercials and told them to shhhh when i knew something funny was going to happen and we mostly only laughed at the commercials with cats and dogs doing cats and dogs type things that only your grandma is amused by and so we all collectively laughed and i bit my tongue and held back announcing the “we are old/lame” speech for finding humour in dogfood commercials.

i just referred to my cat as my “little cup of sunshine” so there you go.

Jamie says:

i’m intimidating

Jamie says:

i’m old

Jamie says:

etc

raymi says:

you are not intimidating

raymi says:

pffffffffffffffffffft

Jamie says:

to you

Jamie says:

i’m not

raymi says:

right

raymi says:

to everyone else u are merlin

Jamie says:

exactly

Jamie says:

mysterioso
with powers from the world beyond

raymi says:

u do magical spells

Jamie says:

think of a number between one and ten

raymi says:

lord of the rings figurines, 50 friends, 0

Jamie says:

seriously think of a number

Jamie says:

tell me when you have one

raymi says:

got it

Jamie says:

nine

raymi says:

nope

Jamie says:

3

raymi says:

nope

raymi says:

close though

Jamie says:

okay, i admit it

raymi says:

it was 4

raymi says:

that was really good jamie

Jamie says:

oh see?

Jamie says:

i told you

raymi says:

ok my turn

Jamie says:

magical

Jamie says:

ok

raymi says:

got it?

Jamie says:

yes

raymi says:

is it 8

Jamie says:

no

Jamie says:

but it should’ve been

raymi says:

i totally thought u would pick 8

Jamie says:

that’s my birthday

raymi says:

i imagined you going YES EXACTLY right after i guessed it

Jamie says:

it’s my lucky number

raymi says:

ok is it 2 then?

Jamie says:

but i was thinking

Jamie says:

5

raymi says:

darn.

raymi says:

this is hard being magical

Jamie says:

that’s what i pictured you doing when i guessed nine

Jamie says:
in fact, i picked nine before you even picked a number

Jamie says:

but i was wrong

Jamie says:

figurines 10 – magical powers 0

excuuuuse me big pile of wicked ass awesome coming through.

raymi says:

do u have any new gossip for me

Jamie says:

one sec

raymi says:

ok

Jamie says:

my boss was looking over my shoulder

Jamie says:

i had to pretend work

i am wearing over-sized pajama pants as a whole outfit right now. i pulled them right up over my ta-tas because my ta-tas are big right now from all this winter sitting around and filling them with beer and i guess i am pre-menstrual but i am always pre-menstrual so who knows really. so that sex, toys and chocolate episode that i was on will be airing april 29th at 11pm eastern time on the life network. in canada. sorry america. and i am not going to somehow put it online because i know i will not be ecstatic about myself on the show or any of my answers so you’ll just have to watch it and tape it and then put it on the internet and it can be the next pam and tommy thing to have downloaded because it is so awful.

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