last nite, fil and i watched hide and seek and during a scary intense part fil leaned over quick and went BWAAAAAH! and it made me shoot beer everywhere out of my bottle like a champagne explosion and most of it got on him. fucker.

“it didn’t sound like a plane to me… it sounded like a missile.” Thank you Joe Nobody for giving me your expert opinion on what missile sounds like, because gas station superintendents are usually the best people to ask about the sonic signature of ballistic missile thrust.

here is something bitchy i did that i am proud of and shut up if you think it is mean.

on the way up to the cottage we stopped at a coffeeshop cos i had to pee and fil wanted a coffee and i was feeling pissy cos i just woke up after what seemed like immediately falling asleep so i am expecting to just dart right into the bathroom, get fil a coffee then get back on the road but no, some stupid girl wearing a gay bandana-printed white baseball hat backwards on her ugly head and her furry hairy necked gross boyfriend are standing in my way. ugly furry neck boyfriend (with glasses) had just come out of the men’s single washroom and was blocking me access to it because he was talking to his girlfriend standing a foot away from him as loud as he possibly could so i was standing there thinking why isn’t this bitch using the men’s room and why does her boyfriend have furry neck hair? i waited two minutes and then i sighed extremely loudly and shoved the guy out of my way and went into the men’s room and he said HOLY FUCK JEEZ and looked at me shocked and i said SHAVE YOUR NECK! and slammed the door.

drunk nerdy loser

V: so it turns out that man didn’t create light.

M: it was woman.

V: no it was lightning.

M: oh, is that what you learned in your dyke course?

This is how you go crazy

You move to toronto when you are nineteen years old and then let crazy fucked up people move in with you who take advantage of your generosity and you work as an online prostitute and you date an abusive drug dealer who cheats on you and you do blow every other nite of the week and then you go to los angeles and smoke weed until your brains turn to dirt and you go to the loony bin and then you go back to canada and stay in the loony bin for a little while longer and then you get out and seclude yourself in a tiny town where you don’t know anybody for six months and then you gain some of your confidence back and go out on the town one nite and you meet another drug dealer and date him for six months who treats you like shit and then you finally lose your cool again and dump his ass once you get all skinny and manic and you can no longer smoke weed because it brings back terrors of 9/11 and generally some uncool shit.

When you are in the loony bin you spend a lot of time with people who are far more crazy than yourself and you take everything literally because that rational part of your brain is so doped up and the schizophrenics scream at you and the fucking senile split-personalities intrigue you and the christians terrify you and on and on until you realise you are pregnant and you just can’t believe your luck.

Jro emailed me and said that this guy is my new husband. i checked him out and was like yawn my new husband is boooooring but then after scrolling down a bit i was like WOAH MY NEW HUSBAND RULES BECAUSE HE IS COMPLETELY INSANE!

ps. check out jro’s site because he has amazing comics that are endearing and political and mean. this one for example:

update le deux:

it looks like i have a bloody produce bag on my head. or i was shot in the head and i put a plastic bag on it to stop the bleeding. i’d take a picture but it is just too disgusting and fil is going to be pissed off when he gets home and sees the rug. i’ll just buy a new one. whuddup wal-mart!?

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor

found that off goldenfiddle