a couple came by to look at the apartment and fil forgot to call and give me a 15 minute heads-up so i showed it to them with black eye make-up halfway down my face and crazzy hair and bad breath, oh well. not to mention ten million empty beer and wine bottles stacked high in the corner of the kitchen. then the chick asks to look in the fridge, great. nothing but condiments, tallboys and martini cocktail something-or-others and left-over chicken wings.
and now i am awake.
i should totally be dreaming about grade 5 right now and fluorescent running shoes and waterslides.
i want to join/start a movie club for old ladies and we will only watch fluff movies like before sunset and disney movies starring eddie murphy and we will get together once a week and one day out of the blue i’ll stand up during our discussion circle and talk a whole lot of shit about everything we have ever viewed until they’ll be all, “well, i never…” and i’ll be like WHAT?! YOU NEVER SAW A GOOD MOVIE IN YO’ LIFE BEEEE-ITCH! THAT’S RIIIGHT! THIS CLUB IS OVER!
then i’ll go snap snap snap with my fingers in the letter ‘z’ in the air and violently flip a plastic chair over.
these are the things i think about in the bath.
deep down i love shitty movies. and music. and tv shows.
awkward crapping moments. love ‘em. especially when you’re at someone’s house you have never visitted before and the bathroom is right by the kitchen where everyone happens to be and there isn’t a fan to create white noise distraction so then you hold in your number two for hours and hours and have to stick your ass outside the front door sneakily to let out your stress farts.
i am not fancy enough to go with fil to look at the new place. it’s cos i have a staple in my lip, he thinks it will fuck everything up. it probably would and i would probably say the wrong thing and wear the wrong thing and scowl and show up with twigs and leaves in my hair and puke on my collar, right? yep. it’s a very yuppie-type place we’re gunning for so i should probably wait in the car, down the street…. five blocks over, or just stay home and eat mud.
on another note, i puked myself awesome last nite! YES! ME!
also, i am tired of looking like i just came back from a botox party.
samir was in a motorcycle accident. go laugh at him.
hey it’s my mom and look how happy she is because i gave her one of my books for her birthday!!! we went out for lunch yesterday. i paid. i wrote in her card that even though she is cuckoo she is still the greatest. her real birthday is on sunday and she will be turning 39. no lie. hi mom. love you.
total quote by my mom, “…blah blah this is the BEST BOOK I HAVE EVER SEEEEN! everyone should have a copy of their own!”
she told me a story about my little cousin and how much of a hyper spazz she is. my mom and my niece were over at my nana and papa’s house with said cousin and my nana put sopranos on and bratkid was like I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THE SOPRANOOOOOS and then she screams out OK I’M GONNA COUNT THE FUCKS!!!
ONE FUCK TWO FUCKS THREE FUCKS FOUR FUUUUCKS ONE SHIT THAT’S TWO SHITS!
then my nana said she was going to get the soap and my niece chimes in NO i’ll get the soap! heh. good one niece!
then bratkid exclaims that she is going to do her sexy dance. i think she is 4 by the way, possibly 5.
so she starts grinding and humping the air and singing I’M A SEXY I’M SEXY I AM A SEXY I HAVE A DICK I HAVE A DICK I HAVE AN ASS!!
if i haven’t linked your blog yet it’s ‘cos i probably think that i already have you linked, or your blog is total crap, or i hate you. so email me your link and i will put it up nonetheless. if i write back and say make your blog better and i will link it don’t be offended, though i would probably only say that to the guys who email because they don’t have feelings.
