i had to discuss stuff with my doctor yesterday about how 9/11 made me crazy and describe what panic attacks feel like and how they occur for me personally. about once a week i’ll be out somewhere doing my thing and i’ll overhear a conversation or a song lyric, see something on television and then my whole body tingles and i feel sheer panic and it lasts a couple of minutes then goes away. whatever it is that sets me off i will interpret it to be some kind of meaning meant specifically for me to overhear or witness, like a sign and then i’ll think i am in danger and really it is fucking terrifying and there’s nothing i can do about it, i mean, preventitive. it’s like a part of my brain is permanently damaged now due to post traumatic stress and maybe a lot of drugs.
so yeah, i’m a lot better at handling it but sometimes randomly depending on my mood or situation i am in, some friggin’ song will be playing that i heard when i was in a psychosis state way back when and i’ll get the heebie-jeebies all over again.
my heart will pound and pound and i’ll sweat a lot and feel faint and flush and then everyone around me is against me or trying to tell me something and i can’t figure it out.
so in this sense yeah i guess i am kuh-razy. it’s pretty much why i started drinking heavily, if i polluted my brain it wouldn’t be able to function manically and make connections and theories about nothing. i know it sounds stupid but in the beginning when i started drinking up again i never felt so safe, like the monsters couldn’t get at me cos i wasn’t able to think about them and i could be left alone
last nite i was in meika’s new apartment and from her balcony i could see the entire city and down below were two fat kids and their father and the kids were being mean to this mom and dad rabbit and their baby rabbit so i sceamed at them from the balcony and they started throwing rocks at me and one hit me in the throat so i jumped off the building and went over to the father and demanded that he call his kids over so i could yell at them some more then they came over and i tore the one kid’s wig off his head and threw it down the valley and screamed in his face then punched him several times in the face and yelled YOU ARE A FAT PIECE OF SHITLOSER KID WHO WILL NEVER EVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING then i threw rocks at him and screamed SEE THERE HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!??!!?
then fil peddled by on a bicycle with gwen stefani and she fell off and landed on her face on some gravel.
i don’t know why i am hanging out on the floor of the bar maybe it’s something i like to do when i am blotto because i have zero self-respect. fil keeps calling me to discuss his comments with him and i am like DUDE MY FONE ISN’T FREE DURING THE DAY AND ALSO I AM PAYING TO USE THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW AT A CAFE LEAVE ME ALONE! something like that and he is all NO ONE CARES! and now i forget what i was going to write about.
making my way over here a dog sniffed my hand and walked along with me for half a block and i wished that i could of hung out with him all day.
at some point last nite after fondue it was the requisite get mad at fil for being uptight and saying something stupid routine. he said i am a firework on a stack of hay or whatever and yeah he may be right but still i do what i do and that’s that. how can i be expected to enjoy myself if i can’t say what i want to say and how i want to say it? i guess i could make an effort to be less obnoxious but FT! i look around me and no one else is trying so whatever, why should i bother when people don’t bite their tongues and are as equally rude to me?
and everyone who disagreed with me about the book excerpt can go blow, don’t take things out of context. i’m not in the mood for an ethical debate about boozing at the age of 22 vs. the age of 30.
also, just cos i have friends to hang with and drink with doesn’t mean i’m not lonely, there is no typical way of an alcoholic’s life or a depressed person’s for that matter. i spend everyday from 8am to 6pm more or less ALONE everday, why the fuck do you think i am blogging so much. i don’t know how to function properly during the day and around people unless we are all watching tv together.
anyway enough about me, let’s discuss YOUR problems today.
