i have figured out a new way to make myself crap if i am constipated or on a no-crapping streak. all i have to do is THINK about having to call someone on the fone and my bowels loosen way faster than after a cigarette or a coffee. i was about to call this one bar/resto to reserve some tables for fil’s birthday thing this saturday (his birthday is actually sunday if you are cool and want to come to the saturday thing email me and i will invite you too) anyway i pictured myself getting up, going to the bedroom to get my fone and then talking to a stranger and i immediately DOVE to the toilet. NICE.
oh i just remembered another thing people say that makes me want to set them on fire:
when they do their yearbook grad write-ups and their first line typically is WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and then you go through the other write-ups and they ALL begin like that!? fuckers, try SAYING something and then you will KNOW WHAT YOU CAN SAY!
stop trying to be all grandiose and mysterious you are a fucking loser who i don’t even know and i am only reading your dumb blurb cos you went to my cousin’s school who are you? no one. why are you being all dramatic like high school was this huge planet in outerspace that you conquered finally DUDE all you did was go to school and to classes and ate french fries in the cafeteria and wrote bad poetry about your acne fuck off already.
this is you
WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and this is me
WHAT OF YOURS CAN I STEAL AND BURN?
this is you
WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and this is me
SAY TO ME FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T PUNCH YOUR VOCAL CHORDS OUT SO THAT IN THE FUTURE WHEN YOU FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS YOU CAN SAY YOU WILL HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT COS I DID NOT PUNCH OUT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS COS YOU TOLD ME FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T.
this is you
WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and this is me
DUDE I DON’T EVEN CARE YOUR FACE IS FAT
and then you read on and see all these initials of people that are their friends GB HR SJ TR BB FY (totally jokes guy) GG (nice pants!) KL FH and so on
ungh is this the davinci code and i am tom hanks? am i suppose to care that you shouted out 5 people am i suppose to go through the entire yearbook and match up the initials and see if they left some secret message to you HEY THANKS COS I HAD LIKE 3 HOURS THAT I TOTALLY WANTED TO BLOW BUT NO IDEA WHAT TO DO THANKS BRIAN GARRISON THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!111
1. i don’t even know you so my caring what you have to say is probably 3%
2. and now you are making me WAIT to read what you have to say the fucking nerve
ALSO you know what i had to say in my yearbook?
NOTHING. i didn’t have my picture taken i didn’t write shit i didn’t buy it either. though there is some slutty goth hate poetry that was published in it of mine cos some yearbook nerds were in my classes and obviously my writing talents are supreme. thinking back on it now if i could travel back in time to write something i would say that one of the teachers in our school is a dyke and will do something innapropriate with a female student and get fired. nah. i dunno. what do you think i would write?
some of the good ones are when the total outcasts write that they will be someone some day and that everyone will be sorry AHAHAAhahahahaa. i’d probably write something like that.
oh yeah at prom i won an award for funniest person which basically is saying you blew every chance you had at achieving excellency in maths and sciences and english Buuuut we did enjoy the laughs.
rented miami vice last nite and it’s good if you somehow possess a magical instrument that enunciates everything everyone in that fucking movie is saying and screams it out for you OH MY GOD this movie almost made fil and i break up
me: what?!
fil: i dunno
me: TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT DID HE SAY?!
FIL: i DONT FUCKING KNOW
me: OK GREAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON
FIL: AM I SOMEHOW ABLE TO HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING BETTER THAN YOU?!
and so on.
i mean, is it too much to ask of the actors to enunciate and speak without their hands covering their mouths or to NOT look away into the wind and say a long fucking monologue WHY can i hear everything you are saying on that high-powered speedboat but when you are sitting in a room with no other sounds, nothing else going on I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAY!!!?
yea yeah that’s great miami vice homage and all but i’m sorry that fucking hair colin farrell is sporting is absolutely disgusting and why are his eyebrows two different sizes?
also, in the beginning of the movie this one prostitute gets all punched up but they can’t do anything about it cos some other crap is going down and they are like DON’T WORRY THEIR DAY WILL COME IT’S SO AND SO’S LUCKY DAY um more like so and so’s fucking YEAR cos unless i am retarded, i don’t recall the vice squad re-visitting that case they were initially working on and so i’m all pissed off and on-edge about this chick getting roughed up but think it’s ok cos that guys gonna get it, but he doesn’t, the end.
you see some tits and ass and will pretty much want to move to havana after seeing this.
here are some things that people say that make me want to shove them down some stairs:
1. when there is something in my eye and i am poking at it to alleviate the pain or get it out of there i say THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EYE and then some douchefuck says YEAH, IT’S YOUR FINGER.
duuuuuuude, wrong. thing. to. say.
i am in obvious discomfort and then you have the nerve to say the gayest most time-wasting thing EVER to me and you’re trying to be funny about it too even? nice going, FRIENDSHIP FUCKING FINISHED stick that in your eye.
2. when i ask fil to take my boots off (of me) he says BUT I’M NOT WEARING YOUR BOOTS and this happens almost every nite so i am forced to re-word my request and then i flub it up please take the boots i am wearing off of me but this is too wordy to say when you are wasted and tired omg i hate fil sometimes.
i can’t remember the other things at the moment but i of course will let you know as they come back to me.
merkley???: you are totally gonna win thanks entirely to me and my amazing campaign management
me: do u know how many people are taking credit um how about i win cos i write the blog that all you fucks are reading
merkley???: but i’m the only one who is right i dont read your blog
me: how many people go to your blog
merkley???: i skim
me: yeah right
merkley???: 10k per day on my flickr BEAT THAT!
me: yeah blog BLOG not flickr
merkley???: how many visit your flickr? oh maybe 2 3 people
me: dude it is not a flickr awards contest
merkley???: anyway you can just thank me instead of being a boner I MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE
me: i blogged before i even knew about you and then once i knew about you i hated you cos you were a dick
merkley???: liar
me: NO ONE GETS MY HUMOUR ON THE INTERNET WAAAAH thats you well you remember u said something and i took it totally seriously
merkley???: yeah what was with that shit
me: well it was likely during a time when i didnt moderate and so everyone was flaming me cos they are pathetic fucks
merkley???: you were tony peircing out
me: so everyone who said something even remotely negative i flew off the handle over it
merkley???: you never said anything to me
me: someone today said my stomache was larger than life and i should stop eating boogers
merkley???: ha ha thats kinda funny
me: wtf no it isnt it’s the way i am standing in the mirror
merkley???: oh
me: um no its not it ruined my day u fuck
merkley???: well out of context its a funny comment but yeah
me: anyway the point is people daily need to say something to bring me down
merkley???: i hate that when commenters are purposely trying to piss on your party i get that once a week on flickr
me: yeah like wake up watch tv say something mean to raymi go to work etc etc
merkley???: some jealous photographer that cant deal with all the positive coments
me: we are talking about me right now merkley
merkley???: “Do it for the victims of Hurrican Katrina.” ha ha funny comment dude you look hot shut up
me: ok yeah i was going to do a post about all the charities that would benefit from my weblogs victory but i dont know any cos i am selfish i am basically my own charity
merkley???: so are you aids or breast cancer or an orphanage? pick one
me: runaway teens i am
merkley???: addicted to robitussin gluesniffer relief dot org here’s you: for every vote i receive i will sniff a huff of glue for a runaway
me: i am the families affected by jonestown society ha
if you put one of those weblog awards badges on your blog and leave me a comment telling me you did i will link you all in a post you also have to say VOTE FOR RAYMI’S BLOG duh. change the url so it goes directly to the voting page. here is the link for the page where the buttons are if you want to choose your own size.
this is the direct link to the best diarist voting box.
link to that shit on your blog, say something nice and convincing about me, let me know you did it and i will put yer name in a post. cinch.
**IF YOU ARE GOING TO POST A BADGE YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE URL TO THE DIRECT ONE WHICH IS THIS:
