From : baron
Reply-To : baron
Sent : August 22, 2004 1:34:10 PM
To : Raymi Lauren
Subject : Re: kerplunk
raymi
i meant everything i said and i mean everything i’m going to say now:
you cannot control the idiocy and actions and bullshit in other
people. and man, have i tried. i’ve tried to preach. i’ve tried to
give a shit about people (an ex). i’ve tried to help people “realize
themselves” or whatever. and it doesn’t work. i can’t respect anyone
more than they respect themselves. you can’t wish someone into
understanding something they’ll never get.
and you are much too complex for most, and that isn’t flattery, it is
the truth, and it’s easy for me to tell because i’ve been there. and
i’m not bragging and going, oh look how different we are from the pigs
and the pigfuckers. there’s a reason why there is such a thing as
“the average life” and there is a reason why in this world there are
bukowskis, picassos, courtney loves, ghandis and raymis. and life,
REAL life, as you yourself have testified, is both beautiful and ugly
and bad and good. a lot like you. there is no value to be placed on
any of those qualities. those who believe that only any one of those
extremes make up their lives and who they are, live lies and
shortchange themselves.
dunno if this offers any comfort to you or perhaps can help you cope
somehow, but i lately finally concluded that maybe the only thing i
can control is my behaviour and my choices. someone needs to be a
fucking idiot, i let them. they’re just off my radar. life’s too
short to be caught up in the drama and the horseshit. i decided to
get off my meds because i was tired of being trapped in a grey room
with a low ceiling and having my emotional spectrum narrowed from two
extremes to two non-extremes. i couldn’t write and i needed my
feelings back. so i learnt to cope by avoiding triggers and
horseshit.
and you know what? i fucking fail. all the time. sometimes
miserably. but hey, i try. just like you try. trying is the biggest
thing. showing up counts the most. fuck, raymi, you are showing up
every day you stand in the face of all the shit that’s going on in
your life and decide to write and exorcise it, or just sit down and
feel it. you don’t pretend you’re better than or above feeling the
things that make you a living, breathing human being; that’s what i
fucking dig and respect. you feel it because it’s in you, you let it
run, and you are the anal fistfuck to the new age, armchair
psychology, “i am too good to feel angry or sick or suicidal or ____”
lie that so many try to delude themselves into thinking passes for an
illusion of self-respect.
you have more self-respect and truth than the myriad of cunts you will
run into as soon as you step outside your front door. if that makes
you a cunt to some people, so be it. this whole ex boyfriend thing,
whatever–i read his shit and there’s a man who made his own choices
and now he wants people to feel sorry he made the “wrong” ones. kiss
my ass. now he wants to play blame games and excuse his part in all
of it, and pretend he’s so fucking noble? and the people surrounding
the situation, with their comments, and their opinions, and their
fucking insights, what kind of investment do they have in it, anyway,
other than being glued to someone else’s lives because it’s so much
easier to be the voyeur than the exhibitionist.
i mean, do you have shit to learn? fuck yes. there is an ocean of
shit you still haven’t learnt. me too. that’s ‘cos you’re fucking
alive. be glad for it. to be alive and sit on a throne of
whatever|nothing and think you’ve got it all down, like some of these
people have implied about themselves, like they’re all so cool and so
enlightened, is the kind of death i bet you wake up everyday in your
life living to avoid. eventually these shitheads will “grow up”, work
for the man and become widgets in the system they pretend to live on
the fringe of because life beat the fight out of them. you,
though…you. you’ll sink with the ship. or sail away. either way,
if you don’t happen to respect and admire the fuck out of yourself,
then know that i do. if you don’t interest yourself, know that i’m
interested as hell.
it’s so much easier to watch someone else’s life through the window
pane than to go live your own. you live it. that’s what makes you
who you are.
so listen, keep on keeping on. blog cos i think it gives you an
outlet to get some things out. i write screenplays. partly because i
want to, partly because i have to write something somehow. it’s not
just a passion, it’s a need. and whatever move you make next, whether
it’s a new name or a new persona or whatever, that’s all good. i get
the inkling, though, that it’s impossible for you to avoid it somehow
someway becoming the real you, because that’s just who you are. maybe
you’ll let me in on the experiment, anyway.
anyway, i’m sorry, i went on and on. i don’t know. maybe something
in me clicked with you and i felt like i have a lot to say. i’ve been
reading you for a while now. started way back when, off and on, then
get back into you lately. i hope i didn’t overstep some kind of line,
or come closer than appropriate, or just plain spoke more than i
should’ve.
it’s cool to have connected with you. i feel honoured and privileged.
xxoo,
baron
On Sun, 22 Aug 2004 12:00:49 -0400, Raymi Lauren
> baron
>
> i really needed to hear that
>
> i have been thinking of stopping my blog everyday for the last two weeks
> things are so stressful for me right now
> i lose it all over the place and i argue with everyone around me because i
> cant handle humouring them with their ridiculous crap i just cant shut up
> like ever
> like yer wrong, yer VERY wrong and i am right so SHUT UP or i say the exact
> thing that they know is true and the thing they try and avoid telling
> themself all their life
> i call it out 3 minutes after having met them and then i am evicted from the
> premises
> so what
>
> some people have to be told
> and it is the one’s who can’t be told that i have to tell the most
> i just want to delete my brain sometimes
> but then a minute later i am like
> NO
> this is why i am me and what separates me from them
>
> but then i always feel like a target
> i remember john lennon
>
> i just want to live
>
> i dont want to preach anymore
>
> there is so much badness i cant see the goodness
> but then i look into the face of my neice and i run around the lawn with her
> and i think i have to be around for her i have to tell her everything i know
>
> so my next move is modelling and making a brand new name
> not my real name not raymi not anything to do with the real me
>
> i dont want the new people to know the real me
> that garbage can surface later
>
> like they’ll go why do u look like you are 40 when u are 25? oh that’s
> right, it’s because this this and this.
>
> i dont want to talk anymore or give anyone advice unless it is my neice or
> my cat or a banana.
>
> thank you so much baron, you saved the raymi blog, for now
>
> x
>
>
> >From: baron
> >Reply-To: baron
> >To: Raymi Lauren
> >Subject: Re: kerplunk
> >Date: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 11:12:53 -0700
>
>
> >
> >well you are a fucking flower of carnage. i think of you, i think of
> >the yeah yeah yeahs. i think of the bride in kill bill, only
> >demented. you’re slightly frightening, slightly hard to know but that
> >sounds so ironic doesn’t it, when you put it out there for everyone to
> >see. maybe that makes it scary for some or even most. you are likely
> >equally loved and equally hated, but you probably rather that than
> >just being something so innocuous as “well-liked by all”. you’re
> >friends with your shadow, you don’t keep her locked in the basement.
> >
> >you look terrific naked. you are stark beautiful. but this isn’t
> >projection, it’s fact.
> >
> >and i think you’re exquisitely sensitive. pick up things most people
> >miss. which makes you a fucking interesting-as-hell writer because
> >you have such a singular worldview. but i know what being exquisitely
> >sensitive is like, when the brain screams like a hive and won’t quit.
> >you want to blow everything to pieces but you try to keep it together
> >anyway. and sometimes, you fall short of the glory but you’re not at
> >all afraid of the fact. and it makes you more brave than most.
> >
> >you asked.
> >
> >-baron
> >aka
> >love,
> >your darling maggot
> >http://www.lithiumjournals.com/blog
> >
> >On Fri, 20 Aug 2004 13:54:13 -0400, Raymi Lauren
> >
> > > engage away
> > > project away
> > > i love to hear it
> > > you know i do
> > >
> > > my ass makes baby jesus cry – raymi
> > >
> > > yes link please and ill link back
> > > send me link
> > >
> > > >From: baron
> > > >Reply-To: baron
> > > >To: parkdaleraymi@hotmail.com
> > > >Subject: kerplunk
> > > >Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 16:28:36 -0700
> > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >your stuff blows me away with its rawness and energy and i would like
> > > >to link you if it’s okay.
> > > >
> > > >i’m addicted to reading your shit. part of it is the drama but most
> > > >of it is the honesty, the ugliness that you’re not afraid to hide, and
> > > >just how very rare that is. i don’t know, i could project all kinds
> > > >of things and engage in transference but i’d rather not, and instead
> > > >just simply say i dig you.
> > > >
> > > >great ass, by the way.
> > > >
> > > >peace out,
> > > >baron
> > >
