i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn’t handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn’t be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can’t have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don’t at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave

well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn’t make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything

and after they tell me i don’t want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that

but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil’s because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won’t because they are just not into it and that’s why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper

but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that’s why they are drunk

they didn’t choose drinking because it’s cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE’RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!

ok well maybe that is how they started drinking

what i meant to say was

they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn’t their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don’t measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all

anyway, happy halloween.

TOP TEN CHILDREN’S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION

10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. The Boy who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

8. Legends of Scab Football

7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina

6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can’t Remember the Endings to All of Them

4. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom’s Purse

3. Things Rich kids Have That You Never Will

2. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

this post was plagiarised from THE “LATE NIGHT with DAVID LETTERMAN” book of TOP TEN LISTS, 1990.

so we ate french cheese from canada and tried to watch twist but it was too drab and depressing so we watched meangirls instead and we drank fancy vodka and cream soda and got all sleepy and were total dirtbags oh yeh we had sushi and then we watched some footage of hanna doing a show at the royal york and the camera guy she hired was total crap and i am going thru videos of yesterday’s auditioners and making fun of a lot of them i’ll transcribe all the notes i made from yesterday tomorrow because i am a nicegirl.

i havent even washed my face and i am walking around in wool socks the weather is kinda crappy, people keep calling me to figure out what is happening tonite, tomorrow, the nite after, this whole halloween-thing is kinda stressful, the whole making-an-effort of it, i mean.

last year’s halloween jamie and i walked around looking at people wearing costumes and we hung out in that harlot-tavern and i poured hot candle-wax on the tables and we peeled it off and made cubes out of it and i let him take pics of me ‘cos i was starting to feel confident again, well i had to, i was in nyc, you know?

i had coolhandluke’s sweater and black hair again and this green jacket that wasn’t all tagged with raymi-crazy graffiti on it and i talked to the blond girl on msn for the first time after all that draaaaama and then to tina and he was all excited over it, and now i know why he was all excited over it.

so i was there for a week and i didn’t leave jamie’s apartment i just sat on the couch with pillows what fall off of it, jamie would come home from work and i would make like i hadn’t been chainsmoking all day long staring at the bodyshopsketchbags across the street.

now i would have left the apartment had there been extra keys, had there been extra keys, i prolly wouldn’t have left the apartment anyway, had i been more ambitious i would have just met jamie in the city instead of being an invalid.

true called sometimes and we met up and true was very nice and flattering and i was taken aback because i was so not in that big-ego raymi thing, i was feeling so not, anything.

i felt nothing, i felt things i felt sad, but that sadness came from the inability to feel, and my hair fell out because i was getting over an abortion and had extra weight on because of these you-are-so-totally-not-right medication because you try to friggin’ hard to be happy and make other people happy and now look at you.

anyway, i want to say thank you to everyone, even if you just read me and never say anything to me, or we’ve met and you’ve let me hold your hand, or you have lent me a nickel, or you let me have you over and wait on you while you watch dumb things or read my books, thank you for being a part of my world.

weird how that got all gay like that.

October twentieth-something, close to halloween (i got a ninja costume) 2004 8:15pm

i pay attention less and less to what date it is, funny how i use to care about that sort of thing. i was all fanatic over it and now there are just too many people i have in my life to keep track of ‘em all – birthdays, long-weekends, holidays, events, television shows, fashions…

and the older i get the more bitter i feel but mostly i am just bitter towards myself for not having changed the world yet tho’ i have written in an online journal with photographs of myself and sort of established a base of readers of sorts

and i do not like the term “cult-following” because it is insulting to the “cult followers, readers, people who are appreciative of the work/art that is my life”

i am more of an accessibility than the type-regre “celebrity” though i guess that’s what makes me a “cult icon”? perhaps i am just deluding myself into thinking that people around the world actually give a shit about me and what i have to say.

anyway i think that guy who loves tony pierce is here now. i convinced him to hang out and buy me beer because i am broke and lonely and hey, if all the other bloggers do it why can’t/shouldn’t i?

though i am not the typical let’s all meet off the www. blogger anymore, i use to be, i use to do the shit out of that sort of thing but now i am all neurotic and considerate of people’s feelings and i don’t like to use them and get them to mail me cookies and stuff, that’s chate.

having a blog is a gauranteed lay and if you are linked to my blog or tyranny or tony then you are going to have s e x.

screw that.

days later – anyway, i met up with the blogkid and turns out he is all attractive and positive and stuff and he bought me chocolates and talked about europe and writing and i was all negative sort of, i mean, he was so idealistic it was shocking, it was like he was sent from some planet to show me what i was like when i was 16 and seducing old men and going I AM WRITING A BOOK… honestly, who is doing the seducing, the 16 yr old?

well sort of.

all i have to say is, whoever said orange was the new pink was totally a fag.

and ps, fags!

pps – i hope yer all making the right decisions out there.

today i told the boss that he has a massive g-spot in his prostate because he was asking about homosexuality and i was all i bet i could convince you to be with a man and he was all unnngh? and then his face turned red and hanna laughed her ass off and was all um i don’t want to be thinking about that and i said well it waaaas innapropriate but still it was, hilarious because you are all uncomfortable and i have my pants pulled up over my knees and i am showing off the bruises on my legs and my argyle socks because i have had a lot of coffee and then i did a cartwheel and turned into pixie dust, the end.

Grow Up and Blow Away

i write better when there is a cigarette in my mouth because then i know i have something to look forward to

could be yer brand

UPDATE: I took this photo in 2004, the date of the post actually and I knew that in the future on blogs something in the photo would pay for the blog post, would be sponsored, but I knew it would take a long time before that happened because there weren’t enough people out there yet reading blogs to substantiate the cost of the advertisement. I had 1800 daily traffic at the time. Google analytics? Please.

hung with adan and company last nite and we talked about whoring around and how he is all unhappy over it and we think it’s ‘cos of the change of seasons ‘cos everyone wants a boyfriend/girlfriend right now to cuddle around and be all winter-fat with.

i know. lame.

we’re such a needy species.

and the whole time i was being all i understand this i understand that you are stressed ‘cos of this dur dur dur and i am looking around the room at people and trying to figure them out and this one guy makes a point to go bye adan out the door he goes and adan says i have never seen that guy before in my life i don’t know who the fuck he is and i said well he obviously was touched by you and made a point to remember who you were so maybe you should pay attention to people

some annoying crap like that

and adan really didn’t care he only wanted a hug

we also complained about b-rad and how he has some girl and now adan is annoyed ‘cos it means he has to look at himself and his life and go oh ok i can’t keep all these hussies it is expensive and it makes me sad

so i offered hang out platonic time

and he was all, yeh this sadness-thing will be over in three days no thanks, basically

and i was fine with that

so we parted ways and now adan is at work talking to roughly 300 people on the phone all day long getting contracts for music groups and finding the venue, something with finances, whatever, he’s like tom cruise in vanilla sky, going to inherit the company anyway, tho’ it doesn’t mean the job ain’t draining and tough

i take people as seriously as they take themselves and then a little bit more

happy wednesday.

i suggest you guys go see the grudge in theatres now.

it’s vurry scurry.

-phlegm factory.