we went to the island i am sick as hell i do not need to see another overweight spoiled loudmouth kid ever again. i brought one of those wine bags that look like something a piece of shit hippie would drink out of, but something like water. we hung around ward’s island it’s so great there so laidback and i dunno, like the south, no one cares, everyone is fucking weird and blows the annex’s whimsical out of the sky, there’s a clubhouse and lawn bowling thing and weird pointless ironwork art creations it felt like the wickerman.
i am typing to fil from across the room right now on gchat and he is answering me out loud saying oh come on lauren! just wait until he catches this shit, he is a million per cent more of a pill when he is sick.
me: you don’t love me im sick deathly ill and all you care about is your camera if something happens to me just remember that i always loved you farewell ….
Phil: we’ll always have… the islands…
oh i met with amy today and gave her the cougar sweater from raymistore and i gave her a bunch of other shit too she asked if i wanted more money for it i said no man it’s good to get rid of it, i showed up unshowered and late.
i have some shitty funny anecdotes but i am too ill to bother i didn’t wear make-up today that’s how sick i am!
oh i went for a tan.
at the beach fil didn’t even take off his shoes, buzzkill enough? so then i put my shoes back on and we looked like the biggest losers. i wore my purple sequined ‘kini top cos of the you know, “mental problems” or something. why are kids so fat these days? or were they always fat? they wobble around demanding and screaming like, uh, fuck off? i’m pretty sure 6 is too young to have a thyroid problem.
From one superstar to another I just wished to say that Guy and I enjoy your blog of a Sunday morning. Your escapades certainly brighten my weekend! M | Edit comment Delete comment | Homepage | 08.04.07 – 6:10 pm | #
i checked the ip, it’s from london, so maybe someone isn’t fucking with me for once?
email me madonna i love you! raymitheminx@gmail.com
*probably not her, fil did some sleuthing and merkley is having a field day over telling me how NOT madonna that is hahaha.
i am happy to report that my passive aggressive treatment of this one chick at the movie store has finally paid off, it only took 6 months of purposely going to a different person to pay for my movie and outright ignoring her existence, she was super nasty to me once so that’s the reason for this george costanza-like treatment, she saw the nice exchanges between me and her fellow employees (fully hammed up) and wanted in on that, yesterday she was so beyond cheery to me and ass-kissy it blew my mind she couldn’t be nice enough in fact, i wish fil was there to witness it, he was waiting in the car. we take turns going in for movies sometimes, usually it’s me and when i get back to the car i tell him in minute-detail every facial expression she made and thing she said to someone else while i am being served by her coworker/s and i feel her eyes all over me i know it pissed her off (being ignored) but that’s the beauty of the passive aggressive, it isn’t tangible, if she mentions it everyone will be like you are crazy what are you talking about that customer is a sweetheart haha.
now, because i have a life and you don’t, here are my groceries.
wasn’t planning on going to whole foods so i forgot the cloth bag oh well these are great for recycling day punch me.
sorry cute as hell nice checked pattern! these are for fil, fil’s fillets. nice one dad. i will try them too.
it’s like they are at a picnic hey can i come wow i wish i had some friends.
WHAT!? cooking instructions! good thing i took a picture i just realised now that they have to be cooked i was going to just open ‘em and put them in my mouth phew. i got them confused with smoked/dried ready to go fillets. i only wanted to show you guys the price.
fattening too, great, thee ONE time i don’t look at the sticker on the back.
this guy.
i don’t have any cheese jokes sorry.
whoops, apologies there yanks, that’s the francaise side (francais is french for french).
juuuuuuuuuust kidding i know you guys can’t read anyway for those who can, this is dyke milk, no that cow isn’t gay, howevs. the ones who drink this shit are! OH SNAP.
$4.99 and they were the cheapest! i know! the hen must be a celebrity or something.
oh great! i looked in the package before taking it down but yeah looked at ‘em from the wrong angle i am a failure at being an adult my kids can drink pepsi for breakfast whatever. are you thinking of that scene in ghostbusters when sigourney weaver’s eggs start pulsing and cracking open haha zhoooul the scary monster in her fridge nice name if by this point you can’t tell that i am bipolar you are dumb.
whoever guesses my bill total wins nothing.
mystery box.
my “compost” as butchie calls it, “that’s not dinner that’s compost!” sorry i want to, you know, live longer and not be a fucking house, shrug.
dinner for fil.
fridge we never clean.
butchie (mentioned twice in the same post out of nowhere look at you dude!) also requested an up-close of the shower curtain (which i did when i originally bought it but yeah, who wants to go back through pages and pages of shit to find it, not me, or you.
when i shower i look at the women’s stuff and compare my body size to it and try to gauge whether or not any of that tacky shit would fit me.
bathingsuit i have gotten zero miles out of this season, except for when we moved the woodpile at alex’s cottage and then i changed into my bikini and that other time at janet’s pool. do you know how annyoing it is to have your hand on your hip constantly?
i am happy to report that our neighbours who we hate cos the guy plays his shitty acoustic guitar music whenever he pleases at all hours, AND they want the entire condo building to stop using fabric sheets cos their unit is above the laundry room (we still use them anyway and even the super’s wife too i caught her) their a/c doesn’t seem to be working so they have a croc (not surprised) wedging the door open to mooch the hallway a/c – their suffering pleases me in this time of insane toronto heat happy friday fuckbags!
oh and i got blogspotted at starbuck’s too and my teeth weren’t even brushed, hair fucked, wearing sunglasses over last nite’s party mascara eyes hi vanessa! she’s like what are you going to do today i’m like uhhh (in my head nothing, what else?) out loud oh i guess i will go to whole foods and then i guess i will blog about it. i was also wearing my wear it all the fucking time outfit. wicked. she said i make her laugh.
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ha yeah right like i call people.
last nite was wendi’s party guess who got slammered?
there’s another yeah right, stephen NOT wanting to be in a picture that will then be on my blog, his reason for living? we got wendi that book (remind me to tell you the story about purchasing it from the most WHIMSICAL store in the annex).
I SAID MERGE YOU FUCKING DICK!
i just have that affect on women (where they let me put my dirty hands all over them). i think them hittin’ the sauce helps a little, too.
i actually drunk-argued with that kid he was pissing me off he kept saying he hated me and loved fil yeah well YOU WERE A MISTAKE!
for more pictures of that little shitkid (who was pretty awesome i admit though, you guys know how i roll) go to fil‘s blog.
oh yeah one guy at this party had a leather jacket on (34 degree heat) and sunglasses and it was at night, and when he first showed up he stood alone by the tree in the yard in his sunglasses and leather jacket and if i had been as ripped as i was by the end of the night when he first moved in on the scene i would have said are you for real? and then everyone would be awkward except i wouldn’t even notice until we left the party when fil lectured me all the way home about it.
i kept looking up at him from the camping chair i was sitting in and i knew he was thinking he was better than me and i kept trying to see through his lenses but i couldn’t so congratulations sunglasses at night guy, your magic worked, you are shrouded in mystery and lore.
this woman started to tell me about this other place in brampton that has really nice used wedding dresses, she actually believe that we were being serious and she stood there watching us go through them all and pointed out some tacky ones and i had to pretend that they were gorgeous.
jesus.
dunno ’bout you but when i think of high fashion, i think
ok here is some whimsical for you and i put on some shorts after testing this sucker out.
can’t really top this one may as well keeping going anyway.
floating is pretty awesome.
oh hai i comez to your parties?
for someone who does a lot of sitting, my ass is pretty phenom.
one of these days that cooler will have a place to rest how romantic is my hair people? don’t you love it when some cuckoo lady describes stuff as being romantic, this couch, romantic. these socks are very romantic. that chair? ROMANTIC! more like, barfmantic. yeah see what i did there? i’m funny.
fucking WHEE! told you!
gayest smile award, no matter, check the down there business!
ASS!
oh maybe i left my biology textbook in my locker, sorry to bother you ok i’m going.
ok going for real now.
uh…
ok this time i mean it look you can see fil’s lesbian saving the planet all natural shampoo which reminds me i have a story to share when i get back from a secret mission brb.
ps. mom i caught your cold THANKS and fil also says thank you in advance!
yes i made my blog font smaller hold the applause for after.
yesterday was suicidal sober day and we went to bed at (gasp) 9. NINE. well, we did it then just stayed in bed seeing as there was no boozing, why leave bed? yes the only reason to leave bed is to piss and get wasted.
at my physical my doctor *ungh* fingered me and i felt like a slut lying there but in my head i was thinking you can totally fit two more fingers in there, nice right? i drank a can of coke cos i couldn’t deal with the heat and the no caffeine and my mom talking (we were trying on wedding dresses at goodwill cos we showed up too early) so i couldn’t do the bloodwork portion of the physical, so i still have to do that, no biggie. i was like uh i thought the fasting thing was just a suggestion you guys! my blood pressure was a teeny bit high, it has never ever been high before so this means i am old and unhealthy and for once i will finally cut down on the hooch yeah right that’s like there never being a harry potter ever again.
i want to wear my new dress thing tonite but it is so hot i dunno if i can make it work seeing as we will be walking to our destination by the time we get there i will look like tara reid.
Elizabeth: anyone who is like “i dont know what to do with this blog….” etc needs to become less douchey
me: yes
Elizabeth: like come on “i dont know where im going with this” um I do! you’re writing about whatever the fuck you want thinking some of it’s good and most of it’s bad but who gives a shit!!!!!!! sigh never have internal blog conflicts that should be like the fight clubs rule or something
me: i cannot stand people who blog about confusion get out of my earshot! CONFUSION uh were you dropped down the stairs and hit your head fifty times if not then you have NO right to be confused
Elizabeth: hahha Im confused hahaha
me: dear you guys i am so in a fog right now help me out if you can!
Elizabeth: Im so confused about Johhny
me: email me ok?
Elizabeth: hahaha things were going ok then they were kinda bad and now they are still ok sighhhh
me: but im not sure!?
Elizabeth: HAHHA yeah so can you guys help me out
me: listen to this ok i am going to tell you what happened (but only if i could remember all of it) and then i want you to figure it out with me thanks in advance! and then when we get to the bottom of it we can work on my template maybe, blue or grey, so torn! i am blogging this
Elizabeth: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooo well as long as they don’t know who we are talking about
me: they wont but maybe they will SO CONFUSED HAHAHAHHAA
Elizabeth: HAH
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you can file this one under SOPRANOS.
DEAR HARRY POTTER READERS
I HAVE NOT READ ONE OF THESE WACKY KID BOOKS (FOR ADULTS TOO!) AND I DON’T PLAN ON IT SO GET OUT OF MY FACE FOREVER FOR REAL THIS TIME STOP SAYING IT’S THE “LAST ONE” OMG COS I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU.
didn’t say this then but i will say it now, i was pretty pissed at my aunt for this, saying it would be too much for me to see my grandma one last time so that distant relatives could see her instead.
I just don’t want you to think some creepy lesbian is stalking you or something.
