django the minx.

they voted the right girl off of ANTM last nite i half-paid attention to the episode cos leslie came back put her laptop in my hands and said you have work to do, work as in go on an internet dissing tour and drink margaritas. if by now you don’t know what antm is, google it, i am not writing it out, and, while on the subject of google, why even ask questions on the internet at all? hello, lazy. i tend to do it only to keep it personal, like we are all having a conversation in your comments but asking totally easy questions instead of just researching it yourself is lazy and annoying, dear raymi why can’t you just figure it out for me? ps. you are ugly. i guess i am magical in a way and i have all the answers and that’s the entire point of this blog.

i am totally going to make some wicked toilet art the second monstergirl is out of the bathroom whenever that is.

she has all these stevie nicks type long billowy dresses and sequiny liza minelli shirts and crazy everything we played asshole last nite and i wore a handmade beaded egyptian-like headdress. i called her and fil ETHICAL ZIONISTS to get out of feeling bad for saying something a bit too mean and for the rest of the nite they burned me with that. fil spilled his drinks all nite long. i also said I LIKE YOUR JEANS after i made her pick up 5 cards and that is now another burn don’t ask me to explain it don’t forget that i am not doing the thinking for you guys anymore after 7 years of partying with me online you should know what everything i say means from all angles.

oh finally she’s done.

ok i’m back, i forgot to tell you that this cottage is haunted by a broom sweeper guy and last nite fil put a broom in the stairway to make him appear.

he didn’t.

today a hippie said to leslie that i was “that paris hilton chick with dark hair” we went to opus 40 and it was closed so we went into woodstock again, leslie went back to manhattan and after an hour of looking at retarded shit in town i texted and said opus was closed then she said did you tell them you are friends of < insert famous person here > we said no she called and they let us walk around, it’s fucking awe inspiring, anyway we were supposed to make a 5 dollar donation but the dude went away and we were too shy to go inside the house to bug him anyway leslie called back thinking we were turned away again and one lady said oh did they come in a silver car (actually gun metal grey) yes oh was it a guy and a paris hilton chick with dark hair (because i am wearing big glasses?) i guess it’s a compliment maybe they don’t see too many big glasses in these parts.

i almost bought a crystal in town.

hahahahhahahahahhahahahahAHHAHAA.

and i seriously considered getting a tie-dye shirt again fil stopped me. in my mind i think i can make it happen.

we are drinking margaritas. leslie is back. we bought “prosciutto” from a supermarket and it does NOT taste like the prosciutto back home. i showed fil the donut sticks and the little debbie snacks and the ready to go hot dogs in buns. people look at us in fil’s car and think we are from the future. there are lots of plaques for fil to read. booze is cheaper. i bought fil a heineken 5L keg yesterday, it’s finished now. last nite we watched the ex, it sucked so much it was like watching a rough-edit.

it’s v. hot here too.

just came back from woodstock. i saw ten million hippies. i didn’t bring my laptop or camera cord so you’ll have to wait for the visual explosion a few more days. i got some cute trinkets and was super close to buying a tiny tie-dyed t-shirt but then realised EW. saw the wine store guy again. there are too many wicked burns to share. america has oscar meyer pre-cooked weiners in the buns already to go for school lunches. you have a million different little debbie snacks too. donut french fries for dunking in coffee.

i’m going to do open mic tonite at this bar that thinks it’s the cultural pulse of the catskills (so isn’t) and leslie offered to pay me for every hippie i piss off, i’m going to start ‘er off with what’s orange and looks good on hippies? pause pause pause FIRE! then plop the mic to the floor and leave w/o even saying bye to her. or fil. if you have any other hippie jokes PLEASE leave them in my comments we are sitting here fucking hung taking turns sighing and moaning and listening to fil talk about his feelings. we can’t tell you the bar cos we don’t want you to come. oh this girl like yelled at me from across the empty bar/restaurant that i had nice boots and it made me uncomfortable. we were all wearing sunglasses at breakfast too. leslie is mysterious by the way. i might road-test my spiders material too or address everyone in the room individually and do a sweeping room ‘dis tour. hippies aren’t aggressive are they?

we are in the catskills with leslie til friday, we might go to manhattan to see jamie or meet him somewhere in between. i totally forgot what it was like to be amongst magnificent non-chalant pot-smoking poseurs, (the people here not leslie), anyway i like it i feel like i am on mars and keep forgetting we aren’t in canada. the wine store guy was baked and lazy and of no help and a car beeped outside and he was like what is that noise and leslie said oh isn’t it an alien implant? and he kind of freaked out looking under shelves for a message from the CIA and he was playing a guitar when we came in what a doink. then we had chinese food and the bartender was wearing tight leopard print hot pants and was maybe 50 and our waiter sucked his teeth and didn’t know what vermicelli was. we stayed up til 4 and my phone kept texting leslie all nite long repeat messages, cos it’s roaming i guess. leslie’s dog is cute and has diabetes and everytime i look at him i sigh out loud. fil drank a lot of wine last nite and then got emotional about cid and no one cared. this place is fucking whimsical and we have said that word like 300 times since being here. i can’t wait to hacky sack in the town square and buy a hooka sesh. this is where we are right now. JEALOUS MUCH!

good news fans!

that dress fits me again! fil just zipped it up for me and is so not getting the excitement i am feeling about it. i am wearing it right now and pretending i am southern. too bad the stains collected that very nite are still all over it. tropical drink booze party stains. oh well. i remember when i used to wear my hair like that all the time it was my signature look and i felt lost without it i look like i really like soccer. my ex bf mailed me some of my junk back in january and i was bummed the dress didn’t fit and almost gave it away to lise but her tits are too big so i hung onto it. can you get five year old stains out? i am going to wear it to dinner tonite stains and all i don’t care don’t stop me. oh also that nite i wiped out on my bike in that dress on dundas i am awesome. in that post i just linked i said dude shit totally stole last nite. DO NOT STEAL THAT YOU ASSHOLE HIPSTER WANNABES IT’S MINE FROM 2002 WHEN I WAS 19 BYE.

what else oh here i am also 19 at the gladstone karaoking before you did that too!

here i am at a baseball game before you even heard what baseball was.

look it’s me with a german girl who i got a job working as an online model i was hanging out on spadina avenue before you had legs.

i lost touch with this guy, one of my more classier stalkers.

my 18 yr. old body.

the band i was in for two minutes.

yesterday’s head size started out on a small note then my head just progressively got bigger throughout the day.

dear WEIRD, yes, i received the memo.

smiling was not in vogue back then.

shitty toys too, i had a doll like this once and was super frustrated playing with it, the two girls never get to hang together.

EVERYTIME i close my browser all of my history deletes EVERYTIME so if i visit your blog be very flattered because i typed the entire address out no cheatsies auto-fill whatever that thing is called and be double flattered that i remembered you even had a blog at all i sit here thinking ok who to spy on next oh mr so and so’s blog i haven’t visitted yet type type type i am writing about anything that comes into my mind right now so i don’t have to do any chores.

oh and for the next two hours i don’t have any pants to wear either (laundry).

me: we are hung and have to clean the entire condo cos we are going away but dont have any organic lesbian eco-friendly paper towels we tried to get yesterday from noah’s they were out so we are in a lazy vortex of internet party in our underwear + wicked hung oh and we have to go to the suburbs by like 6 so i think i win for sucky day oh and have to do laundry too! and pack!

Elizabeth: that sounds like an awesome day

me: i hate cleaning the bathroom cos i find a million of my mile long hairs everywhere with dust and grime and fil never cleans the bathroom

Elizabeth: I love cleaning the bathroom
with like comet
and rubber gloves

me: i use fantastic
we are out of windex
ungh

Elizabeth: i like fantastick as well
it is my second favourite
jenna jameson is so skinny

me: i just farted and fil said WHAT!?

Elizabeth: Im worried about her
i think she might have a drug problem

me: you are actually worrying about a porn star
do you watch porno valley
on fridays there are 4 back to back reality porn shows on showcase
i love them
when porn stars get emotional and try and have real lives like buying toys for their kids

Elizabeth: oh I havent ever seen that
I should set my tivo
HAHAHA
I hate it when people talk about their tivo
its for fags
and bloated white people

me: ew that still exists
bluh-hooop bluuuu-heeeep go away

Elizabeth: k
so hes been on the phone 20 min
I was ready to leave at 10

me: what are they talking about vodka?
haha russian joke