my mum came into the shoppe and was filling me in on sum gossip about sum old frendz of the fam,

“Victoria has been dating a black guy for TWO years.”

“Black?!”

“Yes, Black. and her mum sez, not only is he black, but he is B L A C K!!! and she’s like real ivory u know. Victoria gets really upset whenever someone sez something about it.”

“uh huh. no shit, i’d be.”

Then my mum gasps and turns beet-red cuz this black dude is in the plumbing aisle three feet behind us and obviously heard every word. ffuk. So, in the hopes of trying to remove the foot frum our mouths, i say,

“oh, THAT guy, they’ve probilly been frendz since kindergarden!”

but my mum goes,

“Uhhm like, i don’t think so RayMi!”

with an obvious this-black-boy-is-the-devil-no-matter-what tone of voice.

forgive her, there were no black people in her highskooL

Classic drunk/stoned-person talk

No RaaaaayMi i LuuuuuuuuuuuuuRve YOO

i just realised that i like the sound of the tap dripping like you know when you turn it off but not all the way and so like there is a constant drip drip drip dripity drip sound and i figger that it is kinda sorta comforting and when the noise stops it is abrupt and i wish that it wouldn’t stop and that it would be wicked if it could keep dripping all nite long without it making the water bill so high, you know what i mean?

Lets be best FreNdz forever, oKay!? promise me you will never ever forget me and even though you say this now You MUST promise me that you meeeeeAn it cuz we say this rite now but we never mean it, we always end up not talking for a long long time

i think i’m a hermit/anti-social because…..

i sit in front of the tv for hours on end. i sit in front of this computer for hours on end. my idea of a great evening includes beer and television with my neighbor’s dog, Chablis. i avoid going out so i can indulge in all of the above. i go tanning and/or work-out on my fourth lunch break so i never bump into people, the only social part of my day is third lunch break with a few people and lately we’ve made it so we don’t have to sit with others. i clam-up when someone approaches me when i’m out having a butt. i can only handle people when i’m feeling obnoxious, argumentative or i’m wasted. At work i’m fine, cuz each social interaction only lasts 3 minutes and i can easily pass the customer off to sumwun else. I’m fine when it’s one-on-one and i’m in a talking mood or the other party doesn’t mind a lapse in conversation. i make random shock appeal-like statements, causing the receiver to shuuuut up or be offended and i tell long horrible jokes with irrelevent punchlines.

perhaps i’ve too much on my mind these days, dunno.

i mixed ten hundred gallons of paint today for these two stupid fat ladies and their fat Kid. it is so exasperating to deal with bitter fat lady duos, they don’t know what they want, they ask you ten hundred questions, they think they are rite and every answer you give them is wrong or an out-rite lie and then they ask a guy passing by the same question, he in-turn gives the same answer you previously gave and they believe him over you, they spend 45 minutes to make a 3 minute decision and they allow their fat kid to tear up displays, knock shit down, slobber, scream and demand attention whilst yer trying to concentrate on measuring dye pigment. they also lean on an end aisle to support their fat body, their breathing is labored and they ask to use your lavatory.

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

fat people suck.

I was walking to the busStop from my house this morning, tired-as-ffuk (up until 5 am writing an essay) and this car full of catholic hi-skool kids drive past. One dude from the backseat calls out to me,

you look funny!

i look down at what i’m wearing – i appear to look normal, i suppose. I guess compared to how ordinary they look in their uniforms and personality-free, i mite look freakish with my short hair and fuzzy hooded vest.. I wanted to run after their car and scream obsenities after ‘em, but bothered-not.

tards.

Subject: A friendly proposition… a funny email

Hello my dear friends,

Several of you have expressed an interest in dry-humping like dogs, and

I thought that I would extend “feelers” out to all of you to see if anyone

else is interested. I think that rubbing our crotches up against each others’

legs could be something very beautiful that would bring us closer together

as a group.

If any of you are interested, feel free to contact me at this address and

I will arrange the dry-humping session…….no strings attached!

yesterday, ahem, ward and i were driving westbound on Hurontario street, we get to the lites and i see this old dude in his maroon ford escort LX (license plate 043 PCA), hunched over the steering wheel and gaping at a porn Mag. ok i think i can deal with that but what i could not deal with was the fact that he had his mirror angled down to his crotch – his dick was out and his shoulders were going up and down up and down up and down. the lite turns green and he putters off, still jerkin’ it and driving quite sloppily. at the next set of red lites he looks around and catches ward and i glancing at him thru the corner of our eyes. he figgers we’re not on to him so he keeps bobbing up and down and now the pornMag is in his lap and he is still jerkin’ it! he even hada box of tissues on his dash. holyffuk. i was so close to reporting this dirty senile ole guy. instead, ward and i followed him for 20 minnits, he tried to lose us but we kept up. then all of a sudden he zips up and angles his mirror so he is making eye-contact with me – at first all his bobbing led me to believe he was retarded as well, turns out he was peeking glances at me with his tongue hanging out. With that, we gave up on him.

sick. if he was a hunk i’d be less grossed-out by it, too bad he was older-than-ffuk and ugly-as-sin…though, he’s still a jerkoff. (ok i admit, that was lame)

and now for something completely different………

circumcised dinks are better cuz they are cleaner and prettier to look at and easier to play with. guys with uncircumcized pricks are so vain and get all huffy when yer not givin’ them head the “right” way, you have to overlap some of the skin over the head each time u bob up and down, it gets to be annoying. Also, uncircumcized dinks smell dirty too……..there’s nothing worse than an ugly smelly dick.

i apologize for all those who have uncircumcized dinks. if yers is clean and unsmelly then it’s ok, i should’nae generalize like i did. some aren’t so bad looking and there are lotsa ugly circumcized weiners out there.