layin’ down a mean ass hickey.

after losing yet another arm wrestling match.

hankypanky party!

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ugh i just trudged through the slush snow slush raining slush soppy streets to get us chicken shawarmas and cokes and myself a coffee, there is no food here at all, and anyway i am like mega hung as usual so i’m walking through all this shit and i take the short-cut to bloor/spadina which actually isn’t a short-cut cos i’m climbing piles of the awesomest packing snow ever and taking weird routes some genius stamped out in the snow in these short-cuts like bro it isn’t a short-cut unless the path is diagonal not a whirly-bird goose chase all through a parking lot and obstacle course mountains were you on meth when you made these snow paths? anyway. so i haven’t had anything other than water and i feel like my brain is sitting in a chair in my head totally useless and i’m thinking how romantic my plight is and i wish i had a dictaphone to take advantage of the booze fumes of last nite brilliance going on while i’m jumping hurdles of slush and getting rained on while fil is in bed in his underwear with his laptop probably reading about the nerdiest shit ever on wikipedia, i didn’t even bother to bring an umbrella cos i figured carrying an umbrella and shawarmas and a coffee is too much in my state with mittens too oh fil just sent me this it is a REAL COMMERCIAL and pretty much sums up what is happening in my brain right now ok where was i oh right my sunglasses have raindrops all over them and i am feeling the opposite of whimsical so i get to pita q and there is a line no biggie but i’m feeling desperate for a coke but i wait it out and then three chicks ahead of me get their to-go and get the hell out of there but one lady is like can i just get mine now? meanwhile it’s still in the grill press i’m thinking holy shut up you waspy crab and then this other woman ahead of me is being extremely bossy to the dude saying what she wants on her shawarma one thing at a time as slow as possible like why don’t you just say you want everything like a normal person and THEN eliminate what you don’t want? ok so then another guy takes over her shawarma and she goes I DIDN’T SAY I WANTED TAHINI SAUCE! and then everything shuts down dude is like what? and she says I DIDN’T SAY I WANTED TA-HEEE-NEEE on it like he is a retard totally talking down to him and i’m laying massive stink-eye on her as much as i can just praying for her to look at me and i am shaking my head too i was THIS CLOSE to saying you are really rude you know that so they had to start a shawarma for her all over again and by now 5 people are behind me i was going to say i’ll just take hers but because of my delicate state i couldn’t figure out what the hell tahini sauce was and do i normally get it, it’s tahini as well as garlic sauce right or are they the same thing? anyway her fucking annex schoolteacher vibe confused me and really pissed me off so i couldn’t be the big hero and save the day for the pita dudes like i wished i coulda and on top of it she even ate it there they were kinda like for here? are you serious? i could read it on their face that’s what they were thinking like get the hell out of here you bitch. the entire point of this place and a shawarma is you get everything on it, you say you want everything on it and then you say EXCEPT such and such, you don’t hold up the assembly-line and fuck it all up by pointing out to the lettuce and tomato and onions, you don’t tell these people WHO BROUGHT THE SHAWARMA TO THE FUCKING ANNEX HOW TO RUN THEIR OWN BUSINESS AND SCOLD THEM.

so i didn’t say anything cos i said to myself ok raymi you are just wicked hung you do not need to pick a fight with every single moron you encounter all the time and you are probably even over-reacting a little about this too.

like lady you didn’t NOT ask for tahini sauce ok!

she was extremely skinny and had really weird posture and i suspect on some sort of medication for being a total witch her entire life, probably ativan.

oh right i gave jen a hickey last nite cos all the lesbots were doing it to each other so we said fine we can do better and i think we won.

hmm maybe not, here’s olga’s (not done by me):

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way to go retard! she’s already totally denying it too. haha nice try. ps. can you do a tattoo for me on your show?

that’s a vagina i got for fil.

oh yeah i also arm wrestled everyone last nite (well not everyone just like 8 people) and lost every time. TO GIRLS WITH SKINNIER ARMS THAN ME EVEN! AND SKINNIER WAISTS TOO. i am a total weakling i bet my niece could even beat me up and she’s 9 and skinnier than olive oil.

now that i have bangs i have noticed that every person in the universe has them too, rather, every girl at the hanky panky dildo wine party we went to last nite at jen‘s had bangs. also, bangs is all i think about right now (seriously if you see me sitting alone not talking (for some reason?) i am thinking about my bangs) too and stop telling me to cut them shorter, i will in time, what am i some person you just tell to do stuff and then they do it cos you told them to? honestly people.

anyway, fil was the ONLY DUDE there in a room FULL of chicks, (requisite photog. dude) this other gay guy chickened out of coming hahahaha and to be fair he/we were told there would be a few guys milling around.

too much estrogen for you “philogyinst“?

Philogynist

\Phi*log”y*nist\, n. [See Philogyny.] A lover or friend of women; one who esteems woman as the higher type of humanity; — opposed to misogynist.

i’ll put up more pictures later but guess what items i picked out, you can visit hankypanky.ca to browse their catalogue.

i was really impressed at how professional the demonstration was yet laid back, it was also nice that jen’s dog was humping my leg the entire time and my arm from the fairy whatever dust i sprinkled on it. we also learned that there are many creams and body lotions you cannot put on or in your vagina.

rachel and i go way back to shitty drum and bass nites my ex used to drag me to ungh i’m like hi i’m raymi she’s like hi i know you. haha.

eventually all the bitches were like WE WANT COCK LETS GO OUT! so my fantasy dance party was abruptly cut short.

we need to redecorate.

fil put in ear plugs at one point to “be funny” and jen went oh WAHAEWAHWHAAH MY VAGINAAAA! and danced all around him like a lunatic. i almost pissed myself. her husband went out to see a double header film last nite to avoid the party. she also told me a hilarious story i’ll have to wait and see if she ok’s it first before blabbing it here, it involves a black eye and a busted tooth and a bridal shower.

i asked if rocky was a pomeranian, he is half pom, half something unbeknownst, mystery party dog.

i would not shut up about how much henna and rachel look alike and everyone else was all no no no, excuse me, yes they do!

we went to unit where it takes ten minutes to figure out how to flush their toilets and you have a wicked panic attack in the process knowing there are a ton of people lined up outside the door and your creation just won’t flush!

yeah i might give myself another haircut later today.

goodbye pete.

you can still see his stupid face.

once it dried i could still make out his beady eyes so i just added some yellow hopefully it’s enough.

then as i grabbed the tom cruise portrait to paint over i slammed my shin really hard into the coffee table, a scientology sign?

it’s going to be a nasty bruise.

peace out brah!

i swirled the paint around like mad and got all the sharpie mixed up pretty good so the first globs of paint were enough.

i just made an instructional video on how to shave your eyebrows but i looked super fat face in it so i’ll have to redo it.

we had the most retarded pathetic time managing to get a parking spot on college around rush hour, in britt’s boat of a ride and all the snow and everyone feeling seasick hung.

hangover loser party of 3 please.

we bumped into bruce mcdonald on our way in and i made it really awkward and went HI BRUCE and he was holding his kid, we had a little chat, then parted ways.

coconut thai curry soup something delicious.

2 orders of calamari because we are fucking pigs.

thai basil chicken.

pad thai.

then britt went to get smokes cos she could not shut up about them and we went to the brew store and went to visit at gill’s to watch survivor and be as obnoxious as possible while she got ready for her winterlicious dinner at the supper club THAT WE WERE NOT INVITED TO.

who was voted off survivor last nite?

about to give myself bangs video: after a looooooooong time w/o bangs, i was feeling a little cuckoo in doing this.

the final moment video: here i am just before the second thoughts kick in and i turn off the camera to keep my little freak-out private.

the reaction video: i dig ‘em but not right away.

+++

You look like Cat Power a little bit now.

Ive included my artistic masterpiece for you to compare.

That is all,
Doug

i had bangs before i even knew who she was years ago
but yes the likeness is there
maybe she will be my friend now

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now you look like cat power ….. have fun with that one.

oh … that’s supposed to be a compliment , sort of i think.

Cal
x.

yep thats what the kids are saying right now
too bad a cat could play better guitar than i can
ha cat, cat power
im smart

i like this picture because it makes me look famous

and here i am looking at how famous i think i look

they are already driving me insane but i’m glad i did it.

looking at this before picture with my face heavily made up and in the sun like that i am a little saddened. still no regrets. when i was snipping i was thinking i am so crazy right now and i was shaking, it was a thrill. i made a video too.

i am going to give myself bangs right now!

well, it’s true.

the brittinator.

i took a million pictures of my sticky tac doll i gifted to fraser, i bet he didn’t even take it home.

fuck i was loaded last nite thanks everyone for buying me wine.

look at the bare walls, sigh.

here i am trying to do a family portrait with cid, i set the timer and grabbed him and well, look. fyi. sneak attacks during feeding time does not work for portrait posing.

this one is really funny to me right now cos of cid no not because of me i know that i am an idiot.

hi do you want to hang out with me?

finally the sun has moved away from wherever it was making all the snow fluorescent electric white blasting into my eyes and the very being of my soul, i have been hardcore squinting ever since i got up and my forehead is all scrunched up i don’t think it will ever go back to normal again.

black and white is a good look for me.

also, more good news, i think my hearing has worsened, i noticed the last two nites out i have been yelling when i talk because i can’t fucking hear myself talk! can that happen when you’re loaded, i mean, i know people talk louder when they drink, but can you go deaf from lots of drinking? i do compulsively pick my ears, maybe it’s cos of that? wow i can’t believe people consider me to be a role model hahaha.

this is me: hey guys i shit my pants last nite and fell down some stairs and this is you: HERE IS AN AWARD.

HAHAHAHHAHA

oh fuck i have to eat something before i turn into grey gardens.