irrelevant and inelegant

Say goodbye to this red a million times in this here blog post now, cos tomorrow it’s gonna be MIA. Going back to blond. Brown with blond highlights. To lift this red is going to be ridonkulous. Just before the weekend was told that they all discussed my hair and think I will look best brown/blond. It’s expensive and doesn’t happen over night I said.

Ch ch ch changes!

I am apprehensive about my hair frying. My colourist said to start stripping it today with head & shoulders plus club soda. I don’t have dandruff so it was embarrassing to buy that shit jk don’t care. The club soda and head&shoulders turns into a paste and also will soften my hair she said. Makes sense because all the dye build will be coming out. Will def have to get a trim too. This is exhausting to think about. We were so close this time to getting my screen test perfected. I feel like the more I delay and prolong it the more chances of jinxing fucking everythang. I’m on edge man!

Had smoked meat sandwiches last night. I wanted to buy him flowers for his retiring from vball but got these instead. Manipulating a bruh with food is ten times smarter. He will think I am a food provider and stick with me because if he sticks with me there is a distinct possibility of getting more sandwiches. Guys are complex but not really at all I am embracing my feminzai side more and more cos I yolo. Happens with age.

Speaking of it’s my birth month! At the end of March I’ll be 32. Last year was my champagne birthday, I turned 31 on the 31st. NOW turning 32 on the 31st… I can’t even. I do not identify as “older” so I won’t and will not be starting to anytime soon but like, lets be real, 32 looks like a HUGE number I think I am finally experiencing that getting older panic attack one experiences. Last year did I feel older, nope. 31 is young and cute. 32 is disgusting. Whatever. It will be my goal slowly over time to improve each part of myself that I hate. People tell me lately that I look great like it happened over night, um I wish. What you’re currently experiencing is a long con (jk) I mean, when my hair was shorter and thinner and fucked from being platinum I knew that I would look like how I look now, eventually. In like 3 fucking years. This is the fruits of my many labours because I have no more aces in my sleeves and no more phone-a-friends.

That sounded insanely desperate but I’m insanely honest.

My last post was pretty headcasey but so what it’s pleasure blogging. Some people really read into it though. I’ve acquired a lot of online friends over the years, naturally as most do. But sometimes they all pile up and demand my attention from all avenues and I get caught up, distracted, and I love the contact don’t get me wrong but I see myself as this high-functioning creative producing machine that should never be turned off so sometimes I just can’t talk to you, you just have to let me breathe.

Ok I’ll stop whining.

Bloggers are just (can be) very skittish. I’m like an open wound at all times if you think about it. There’s part of me that is very numb though otherwise I could never do any of this. I mean, I’m cognizant always but sometimes it’s in an on auto-pilot way which is very much dedicated to the undying pursuit of self-preservation. Like what am I even talking about here I’m such a fucking idiot. You love it though I think so the dance continues.

I went out Saturday dressed like an idiot. Jared was a zombie (after/during Boylord practise) so didn’t come out with me I made him drop me off and tried so hard to sell him on the action but nope. Solo mish it was. I feel like no one wants to go out when it’s cold, and don’t for the most part and the only people out there with you are totally insane people. Bored people. What did I get up to? No comment. I’ll just say that I love being anonymous out here and feeling anonymous even though I bump into randoms that I’ve already be-friended at some point or other out here you know what I mean. This one chick was like I don’t know anything about you, who are you? WHAT? When I was telling her briefly all this ridiculous shit about me. There’s just no point, you meet so many people, who sticks and who doesn’t. Wait to unload it all once you’re sure. That’s why I enjoy meeting people from online because they already know everything about me and can just enjoy spectating me IRL like a specimen, ooh look it’s talking now.

Being kinda flat (I’m not flat i just look it sometimes) and then wearing a big boob bra makes you mega-egocentric/self conscious cos you think everyone is looking at you ten times more but they’re not. They’re normal and used to boobs. You’re the only boob. Do you guys like that I am learning things finally? Enjoy it until I evolve into something else you despise. just wait til I’m 40 #scared.

Speaking of 40, this fucking 31 year old called me forty because her (girl)(as in female) friend had the hots for me but we nexted her. I heard her say it over the phone and said I’M 31 YOU FUCKING BITCH. But in my head I was like I’m 32 :(. It’s cool though it’s totally normal for younger ordinary chicks to make age cracks because they’re competitive and cannot compete with older cool chicks. Do younger chicks attack Kate Moss’ age if they lose to Kate Moss, of course not they go, it was fucking Kate Moss duh. Some people just get chosen and some do not and people fight the battle when the war is already won peeeeeeace.

fml lol.

The beast just needed to be unleashed what can I say.

I bought that sweater when I was 19 I have no idea why it is still here it’s a belly top my arms are cold but my stomach’s not.

Ab work is never done.

Boylording around.

Yeah I’m happy to add blond to my hair come to think of it.

I will miss my view.

I am cutting this shorter because I rambled on for too long. Blogging is way too indulgent for a Monday!

Check ya later!